JHXMT
December 6th, 2002, 10:59 AM
After not writing ANYTHING (poetry, prose, even essays for God's sake) for months, I had an hour free between lectures while it was raining outside and ended writing six different poems.
No, don't worry, I'm not going to subject you to all of them. :wink: I just decided that I'd like a little feedback on two of them, and didn't want to clutter the forum with more than one thread at once.
Any feedback on either of these much appreciated.
========
Overstretched
She reached for me again last night,
The phone a silent trill in the dead black.
I watched it whirr for moments on end
Before my hand moved, grasped, raised her hopes,
Then dashed them with a click and a tone.
I withdraw to myself.
She reached for me again this morn,
A quiet, saddened word in my left ear.
"I tried to call you again last night."
Silence reigns me, staring, all but deaf.
Her pain is emotional, burns us both.
I recoil to within.
She reached for me again at noon,
A note attached by a pin to my door:
"We need to talk about happiness."
A look for a moment, a tear, a scribble,
Pinned again: "What is happiness?"
My own knife drives me back.
She reached out to me again this evening,
The minutes stretching endlessly into hours
Before the sharp ring of the phone.
She was gone, dropped an hour ago,
The effort too much for her to stand -
Reaching for me.
==========
The Comet Awakes
Fragmentary; a flash;
A host of chaos impressing itself
Onto the overwrought internal flesh.
A flash; the flesh; fragments
Of dreams once encountered, vanished,
Lost in the world made fresh.
A flash; fragments; movement
Through a mind still howling in the wind,
A heart still flushed with the beats
Of tender remorse's bittersweet love;
Fragments; torn; a flush
Yes a flush of pain sweeter than life:
Sorrow that clings tighter than any love,
Cracking bone, drawing blood, crushing flesh.
Flesh; fragments; a flash,
It bursts through the atmosphere,
Fragments; a flame,
The hastening flashes that sear,
The flesh; fragments flush;
The beats break; torn;
Flames;
A burning comet that speaks:
A fragment, this, your passion.
=========
=========
Any responses welcome. And yes, I apologise for posting two at once, but I'm slightly relieved that my writing hasn't completely deserted me.
Edit: edited to change HTML tags to BBCode tags, doh!
No, don't worry, I'm not going to subject you to all of them. :wink: I just decided that I'd like a little feedback on two of them, and didn't want to clutter the forum with more than one thread at once.
Any feedback on either of these much appreciated.
========
Overstretched
She reached for me again last night,
The phone a silent trill in the dead black.
I watched it whirr for moments on end
Before my hand moved, grasped, raised her hopes,
Then dashed them with a click and a tone.
I withdraw to myself.
She reached for me again this morn,
A quiet, saddened word in my left ear.
"I tried to call you again last night."
Silence reigns me, staring, all but deaf.
Her pain is emotional, burns us both.
I recoil to within.
She reached for me again at noon,
A note attached by a pin to my door:
"We need to talk about happiness."
A look for a moment, a tear, a scribble,
Pinned again: "What is happiness?"
My own knife drives me back.
She reached out to me again this evening,
The minutes stretching endlessly into hours
Before the sharp ring of the phone.
She was gone, dropped an hour ago,
The effort too much for her to stand -
Reaching for me.
==========
The Comet Awakes
Fragmentary; a flash;
A host of chaos impressing itself
Onto the overwrought internal flesh.
A flash; the flesh; fragments
Of dreams once encountered, vanished,
Lost in the world made fresh.
A flash; fragments; movement
Through a mind still howling in the wind,
A heart still flushed with the beats
Of tender remorse's bittersweet love;
Fragments; torn; a flush
Yes a flush of pain sweeter than life:
Sorrow that clings tighter than any love,
Cracking bone, drawing blood, crushing flesh.
Flesh; fragments; a flash,
It bursts through the atmosphere,
Fragments; a flame,
The hastening flashes that sear,
The flesh; fragments flush;
The beats break; torn;
Flames;
A burning comet that speaks:
A fragment, this, your passion.
=========
=========
Any responses welcome. And yes, I apologise for posting two at once, but I'm slightly relieved that my writing hasn't completely deserted me.
Edit: edited to change HTML tags to BBCode tags, doh!