Will I ever grow out of my anxiety with girls? (long question)

[teh]

Hey there, I am an 18 year old male who is going through late puberty. I started around age 15. In general I am very confident and social, and I make a lot of friends because of my sense of humor. The problem I have is that every once in a while I get very anxious about a specific thing. The cause varies but lots of times I get some social anxiety, especially when it comes to girls. On most occasions I am able to be very engaging and entertaining to people, including girls, but on some occasions I just get overwhelming anxiety which is dabilitating because I become shy and nervous, it turns me into a totally different quiet person. I don't seem to be able to come up with the witty observations or comments to continue conversations that I normally would. Most recently this anxiety has come over me when I had the chance to get involved with a couple of different girls. More specifically, last night I was texting with a girl who is definitely interested in me, and we ended up going to the same party. That's when suddenly the anxiety set in and my nervousness prevented me from engaging her and flirting with her all night. It's frustrating because it prevents me from even holding a confident conversation with her and I am normally great with words. I end up worrying about simple stuff like what to say and end up saying something stupid or nothing at all.

I have a few ideas of what might be causing this anxiety.
~First, I am intelligent and more mentally mature than people my age in most respects, but physically I am less mature than them. I feel like the fact that I'm mentally older than I am physically is causing me to go through this developmental stage with more knowledge than usual and it's leading to me overanalyze certain things. I do believe that I have a while to go as far as physical development goes because I don't think my body looks as mature as it is supposed to yet. But at the same time I can tell that my sexual desires have been increasing quite a bit lately, so I'm sort of confused as to whether or not I'm ready to have sex. However, when I think about the idea of losing my virginity conceptually, it feels like I am ready because I really do have the desire to be in a relationship and share that experience with someone I care about. Conflicting emotions.
~Second, I do think that it can also be attributed to some performance anxiety. It seems like when I know a girl is interested in me, that is when I start being self-conscious about stuff, but around other girls I can be totally calm. I guess the pressure and anticipation to make a move is what sparks my anxiety and I can't do it, even if I am 100% sure she wants me to. I shouldn't be worried about something I know I can do, but the fact that it's my first time just gets to me. I start to worry about doing or saying the wrong thing because I don't have much experience doing this except for with a girl I made out with a few times in 7th grade. A lot of my learning occurs in this way, where once I've tried something only once it makes total sense to me.

Does anyone know how I can get over this? or if it's just part of the learning experience and I should just keep with it and I will get more comfortable with time? The acute anxiety is leading me to resort to bad choices like abusing adderall before I go out because sometimes it makes me very confident and uncaring of what people are thinking of what I do. This is when I am my best and almost unstoppable because when I don't worry what other people think I behave very naturally and in return others respond well to this. Unfortunately sometimes the stupid drug makes me even more anxious and besides that it is very habit forming so it's obviously best for me to avoid. Would you recommend I just continue getting out there and enduring whatever anxiety I do experience in order to learn to deal with it and be comfortable? Do a lot of guys go through a phase like this, or should I consider getting some treatment for anxiety? Thanks for your input, I really appreciate it.

P.S. The situation I mentioned in 7th grade happened too long ago when I was barely even concerned with the opposite sex, so I didn't really take anything away from the experience or it was forgotten.

[OvershareDude]

Firstly, lay off the Adderall... it's not a solution. It's a band-aid to your problem.

Secondly, IMO it's normalish. You're young and inexperienced.

Stop thinking, start doing. Just don't break the law and you'll be fine.

[Kuky]

I feel like the fact that I'm mentally older than I am physically is causing me to go through this developmental stage with more knowledge than usual and it's leading to me overanalyze certain things.

The only thing you're over-analyzing is the nature of your difficulties. You shouldn't need adderall. I recommend some extra-strength perspective-rol instead. :)

You should take comfort in the fact that sometimes, you have an easy time, and sometimes, you freak yourself out and create anxiety in yourself. What you're saying is, there is ALREADY a situation where you KNOW you're doing the right thing, and all you need to do is learn to think in that same manner in the situations where you are, so far, doing a less-useful thing (scaring yourself for no reason).

If you can learn to be conscious of what's going on in your head, you can pretty easily notice that you are about to enter "anxiety-creating mode" and instead, consciously decide that you're gonna enter "awesome chill confident mode" (which you already know how to do). It's amazing how quickly so-called anxiety dissipates when you just recognize it's there and stop worrying about it.

You won't grow out of this sort of thing by just sitting there and waiting to grow out of it. However, you WILL evolve out of it through repeated exposure to the situations you want to master.

[gymratski]

A lot of people abuse Adderall and Ritalin at your age.
Mainly because you don't have the finances or resources for blow so this is how your age group experiements.
(I noticed, anyway.)
Unless you are truly abusing it the high and confidence you get is all in your head.
I assume you're putting it up your nose?
In that case, the effects of a line last 15-30 minutes so unless you have a stash and you're doing it in the bathroom every hour it's not aiding you to feel more confident.
What I'm saying is you don't need it so stop using it this way.

As far as your "problems" are concerned, you sound pretty normal to me!
I also want to add that I have a guy friend whose 27 and he thinks he's awkward or has anxiety with girls, but I've seen him out and for the most part it's all in his head.
I think you're being way too hard on yourself.
I would do something (sans Adderall) to boost your confidence because I believe this is your problem - not anxiety.

Good luck and relax, :).
Have fun when you go out.

[Julian89]

First things first: As said above, lay off the Adderall. Its not reality and wont be there to save your ass
forever.

Now, girls like boys with confidence. A girl will, most likely, not come up to you if she's interested in you. Now, this doesnt go for all girls, naturally. But 9 times out of 10 they wont.

Girls love to be chased. They love attention and they love guys with a confidence.

If you sit all quiet at the corner off the room sipping on your beer, your most likely not going to get shit. Right?

You say your funny. Do you even know how big of a plus that is for you? Not every guy has that. Use it.
Man up and go talk to the girl your interested in. Whats the worst that can happen? A "fuck off" comment. Thats it. End of story. Youv got nothing to lose. On to the next.

Just be confident and be happy with how you look. If youv got confidence and a funny comment in store your half way there. Girls love guys who crack them up. Fact.

Just be yourself man, you sound like a smart and funny guy. Stick with it.

Oh, and as far as the "will I be like this forever?" no. Im pretty sure youll find out that "being like this" is just not gonna cut it anymore, ergo, youll do something about it.

I would also suggest books on self esteem and confidence. They boost your confidence like crazy.

Good luck :)

[OvershareDude]

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Rob/assface.png

[Makanudo]

You have the same problem that i do sometimes.

I also am funny and i can make 10+ friends in one night (true story, that's when i met the girl too). We became super close and talked everyday almost all day and eventually i was told she was interested in me.. after that i would rarely hear from her unless i looked out for her.. like somebody above said, they love to be chased..

As for the anxiety thing.. i am like you almost 100%.. i am easy going and i can hang out with a lot of people but sometimes i'll just stay there and overthink things and eventually fuck up.. the only solution to your problem is literally saying.. FUCK IT.. say it over and over again as you text/call/approach her. The only thing that could go wrong is she finds out you get anxious around her.. and even then that could work in your favour..

Good luck bro :)

[scig78]

Been there done that!

[LadyintheBlue]

OSD--:lol3: Keep on doling out these "comic strips" !

To the OP,

I would suggest you go see your doctor about weaning off Adderall or other substances that might be hampering your self-esteem and get counseling for how to cope with your anxiety. You are young and have plenty of time to grow and be the confident man you want to be.

[Phoenixxdown]

Anxiety, been there. Shy, been there. I definitely feel what you're dealing with. Over analytical, well, that's me too. The best way I personally deal with anxiety regarding the opposite sex is to become completely comfortable in my own skin. This sounds cliché, sure, but for the guy whose heart skips beats and can't breathe comfortably, believing in myself in every way is the reassurance I need. How do you get there? Well, that's your own journey. God affirms me. You'll find yourself in your own time. And maybe you're already confident in yourself, but there's always room to grow.

I have found that in spending time in public with people in situations where I'm uncomfortable, I begin to learn how I ACTUALLY behave with others. It's a learning and self discovering thing.

The only way to move is forward.