Tortuga
November 26th, 2002, 10:12 PM
I think I’m falling for you, and I hate it.
You weren’t supposed to affect me, not in this way.
You were just supposed to be some nice guy,
some guy who I could sometimes talk to and who could make me laugh.
And yeah, you are a nice guy and
you are a guy who I can sometimes talk to and who can make me laugh.
But you’re more than just some nice guy.
You’ve made me realize I don’t have to settle.
I don’t have to stay with someone who simply treats me well.
That’s not enough for me.
I need someone who challenges me, someone who’s passionate about things.
You showed me this by being someone like that, and for that I both
resent you and thank you.
I resent you for throwing my world in a spiral—
all of a sudden,
I was no longer satisfied with the one I was planning to spend the rest of my life with.
It crushed me to realize that my dreams were becoming puffs of smoke,
floating away into a place reserved only for memories of what once was.
You brought about this realization, and for that I resent you.
But I thank you for the same reason because you prevented me
from making a huge mistake—
the mistake of complacency,
of merely settling for what I had instead of
daring to dream that there could be something more and better for me down the road.
For that I thank you.
I know that nothing will ever come of these feelings that are developing against my will.
Sure, deep down I wish you had the same type of feelings for me,
but I know that you don’t and I would never expect you to.
There are just too many things working against my favor
that make me know my feelings will forever be unrequited.
And in all honesty, I’m okay with that.
You are all wrong for me anyway, which probably adds to your appeal,
but ultimately frustrates me because…you weren’t supposed to affect me, not in this way.
In what way, you ask?
In the way that I dream about you at night.
In the way that I fall asleep and wake up thinking of you.
In the way that I long to see you or hear your voice at least once every day,
and then in the way my heart races when the longing is fulfilled.
It’s so silly, I know.
I’m like a giddy schoolgirl with a crush on her older brother’s friend.
And I tell myself that I have no business liking you.
And you know what?
It works…
until you smile at me.
My feelings for you are simply ridiculous.
I really do get aggravated with myself for allowing these feelings to develop,
but then I realize it’s not something I can control,
even though I wish with all of my being I could.
I just don’t know what to do about this.
I yearn to be around you,
to get to know you better,
to spend as much time with you as I possibly can.
And why?
Not because I love you,
not because I’m trying to make you love me,
but because you are such an amazing person.
I have learned so much from you over the past few months,
and I want to keep learning more.
But I can’t be around you,
and I can’t get to know you better,
and I can’t spend as much time with you as I possibly can
without these feelings flooding my being.
And so I don’t know what to do.
And so I’m left thinking that I’m falling for you, and I hate it.
You weren’t supposed to affect me, not in this way.
Tortuga
You weren’t supposed to affect me, not in this way.
You were just supposed to be some nice guy,
some guy who I could sometimes talk to and who could make me laugh.
And yeah, you are a nice guy and
you are a guy who I can sometimes talk to and who can make me laugh.
But you’re more than just some nice guy.
You’ve made me realize I don’t have to settle.
I don’t have to stay with someone who simply treats me well.
That’s not enough for me.
I need someone who challenges me, someone who’s passionate about things.
You showed me this by being someone like that, and for that I both
resent you and thank you.
I resent you for throwing my world in a spiral—
all of a sudden,
I was no longer satisfied with the one I was planning to spend the rest of my life with.
It crushed me to realize that my dreams were becoming puffs of smoke,
floating away into a place reserved only for memories of what once was.
You brought about this realization, and for that I resent you.
But I thank you for the same reason because you prevented me
from making a huge mistake—
the mistake of complacency,
of merely settling for what I had instead of
daring to dream that there could be something more and better for me down the road.
For that I thank you.
I know that nothing will ever come of these feelings that are developing against my will.
Sure, deep down I wish you had the same type of feelings for me,
but I know that you don’t and I would never expect you to.
There are just too many things working against my favor
that make me know my feelings will forever be unrequited.
And in all honesty, I’m okay with that.
You are all wrong for me anyway, which probably adds to your appeal,
but ultimately frustrates me because…you weren’t supposed to affect me, not in this way.
In what way, you ask?
In the way that I dream about you at night.
In the way that I fall asleep and wake up thinking of you.
In the way that I long to see you or hear your voice at least once every day,
and then in the way my heart races when the longing is fulfilled.
It’s so silly, I know.
I’m like a giddy schoolgirl with a crush on her older brother’s friend.
And I tell myself that I have no business liking you.
And you know what?
It works…
until you smile at me.
My feelings for you are simply ridiculous.
I really do get aggravated with myself for allowing these feelings to develop,
but then I realize it’s not something I can control,
even though I wish with all of my being I could.
I just don’t know what to do about this.
I yearn to be around you,
to get to know you better,
to spend as much time with you as I possibly can.
And why?
Not because I love you,
not because I’m trying to make you love me,
but because you are such an amazing person.
I have learned so much from you over the past few months,
and I want to keep learning more.
But I can’t be around you,
and I can’t get to know you better,
and I can’t spend as much time with you as I possibly can
without these feelings flooding my being.
And so I don’t know what to do.
And so I’m left thinking that I’m falling for you, and I hate it.
You weren’t supposed to affect me, not in this way.
Tortuga