my first try at this.....

[water nymph]

well here it goes, i decided to post some of my writing. this promises to be interesting.

untilted (can't think of one!)

look at you
with your part cherokee skin
and your tawny hair
curling against your face:
silk against creamed coffee
and your indian eyes
brown as bark
round as the moon
those eyes
pull the guys to you,
smitten.
look at you,
you're evrything......
everyting i am not.

[rabidcowfromhell]

yayyyy
american indians are cool!

7.6/10!

[twinkling_eyes]

that was really pretty....keep writing!

[Li Mei]

Very nice. Simple. As humans we all seem to compare our selfs to those around us, as your poem shows. An interesting take in another poem, or this one even could focus more on how we get beyond that as human beings and how we shouldnt be comparing our selfs to other people but instead trying to improve the person that we are. You get what you put into it. Instead of thinking how someone is better than you, try thinking about why you consider that person to be better than you and if it is a quality that you need in life.

[water nymph]

thank you! that is the kind of critiquing i have been looking for (kind of)! keep it coming! now i am lookng for stuff on the mechanics of the poem, is it any good, parts that need to be changed and so on and so forth.

[Li Mei]

The first thing I noticed were the lines. They are rather short (which doesnt have to be a bad thing) What you could do is bring up the lines that go together, but it will make your poem shorter. It could work as a short poem, or you could add more to it. Like I said I dont know if this is what your looking for or not, but if I can be of any help dont hesitate to ask.

Something like:

look at you with your part cherokee skin
and your tawny hair curling against your face
silk against creamed coffee and your indian eyes
brown as bark round as the moon
those eyes pull the guys to you
smitten. look at you
you're evrything......everyting i am not.

[water nymph]

i have heard of double posting....but triple?

about your idea, i like it. gimme a little and i will try it.

[water nymph]

look at you,with your part cherokee skin
and your tawny hair curling against your face:
silk against creamed coffee
and your indian eyes,
brown as bark
round as the moon.
those eyes
pull the guys to you,
smitten.
look at you,
you're everything......
everyting i am not.

hrm......have to work on that.

[Asphodelle13]

What creative imagery you have in this poem, its different and I like it. :) The ending is full of longing, and gives the poem a dejecting tone..good job and keep writing. 8)