So So very confused

[confusedandworried]

This seemed like the best board for this, none of the other one's seemed to "fit". If it's in the wrong location please move it to the correct location.

Well for anyone here to be of any help I have to lay down a bit of history.

So I was working at my old job about 4 years ago. They hired a woman that I had know since school, in school I never felt anything for her, in fact I was a bit of a dick to her. We hit it off very well from day one, I spent a lot of time at her and her boyfriends house. I knew after a little while I had some feelings for her, but I never let on or made a move out of respect. Now I her and her boyfriend are all very good friends, I've been hanging out with them for 4 years now. I still had thee feelings for her, but like I said out of respect I never acted on them in any way.

Now the story gets more interesting (or f'ed up). About 3 weeks ago I was hanging out with her at a mutual friends house. When she came onto me, Things happened that at any other time would not have. I'd been in a relationship that although hadn't lasted long I had fallen fairly hard. After what happened I asked her what it was about, was it just a fling thing or was there other feelings involved. Her answer was that she didn't have any feelings, it was just something that happened.

Her boyfriend ended up finding out about that night, we had some talks and everything seemed to be alright. I thought we all agreed that we would not see each other, unless the boyfriend felt comfortable and that he would have to make that contact if he ever wanted to. Well now I know that she does have feelings and is unwilling to not have contact with me. Which obviously he is not happy with, and I totally understand this.

Now the problem is I do have feelings for her and have for a long time. I do want to be with her, but there are some complications to this situation. The main one being that they have kids together, which is what is really twisting my head right now. Don't get me wrong it's not that I don't like kids, I love kids. It's just that I'm not sure what actions I should be taking here. I really do care for her and from what I understand from talking with her and other friends is that she's also had feelings for me for a while now. She says and seems unhappy with him, but I'm having a real hard time with the kids being involved in all this.

I really am just so confused right now, on one hand I want to be with her, kids and all. On the other hand I don't want to break up a family, even if they do have some issues and even if I do think I'd be a much better influence on the children. I'm not willing to get into details about the issues other then to say that he has some substance abuse issues.

I just really have no idea what to do right now and I'm looking for as much help as I can get. I've never been in this situation before and to tell you the truth I never thought I would be.

[mikespyder]

I completely understand you're situation and believe it or not I was in a very similar situation as you are.

I was in love with my best friend's girlfriend for the longest time. And was so very jealous of him because he had to my eyes "the perfect" girl.

He would take advantage of her good nature and sometimes even put her down for speaking her mind.

I hated him for doing that and I had prayed and prayed for the day she would wake up and realize that they were no good for eachother.

but anyway back to you... Since this indeed a VERY delicate situation for not only you, the girl but also the kids.

Do you get along with her and BF's kids? Do they like you? If so then maybe you should consider talking to her and finding out if she really does have some feelings for you. You know get it out in the open and see where to go from there.

But do you really want to be the one to break up a family?

My advice: Tread with caution, if you're willing to wait around for a while more; let him dig himself a grave (as you would know, we guys tend to always say the wrong things at the wrong time), you know be there for her when he screws up offer her advice let her know that you're there for her and the kids.

And since something already happened between you too; you might want to play the opposite field as well. Talk to him too, offer advice and agree with him (Even though you're really on her side) just to make him comfortable and at ease

Well that's my advice I mean I tried this and well it still hasn't worked for me so take it at face value.

[confusedandworried]

I completely understand you're situation and believe it or not I was in a very similar situation as you are.

I was in love with my best friend's girlfriend for the longest time. And was so very jealous of him because he had to my eyes "the perfect" girl.

He would take advantage of her good nature and sometimes even put her down for speaking her mind.

I hated him for doing that and I had prayed and prayed for the day she would wake up and realize that they were no good for eachother.

but anyway back to you... Since this indeed a VERY delicate situation for not only you, the girl but also the kids.

Do you get along with her and BF's kids? Do they like you? If so then maybe you should consider talking to her and finding out if she really does have some feelings for you. You know get it out in the open and see where to go from there.

But do you really want to be the one to break up a family?

My advice: Tread with caution, if you're willing to wait around for a while more; let him dig himself a grave (as you would know, we guys tend to always say the wrong things at the wrong time), you know be there for her when he screws up offer her advice let her know that you're there for her and the kids.

And since something already happened between you too; you might want to play the opposite field as well. Talk to him too, offer advice and agree with him (Even though you're really on her side) just to make him comfortable and at ease

Well that's my advice I mean I tried this and well it still hasn't worked for me so take it at face value.


Well I know she has feelings for me, I just talked to her tonight and she said as much. She very unsure about leaving because of the kids, they are the biggest concern. To be honest it's also my biggest concern, that's the thing that is really twisting me up.

Yes I get along with the kids super well, they are always excited to see me. They even have a nickname for me, I go fishing with them, go to the park all sorts of things.

I have been talking to him, taking his side, doing a damn fair bit of acting like I'm sorry. When really I'm not the least bit sorry and I know that makes me sound like an asshole. But I really care for her, I want to be with her and I just can't make myself feel sorry for something that both of us wanted.

I think I just need to come right out and say everything I've been thinking. I've been holding things back from her, I've not told her exactly how I truly feel. She knows I love her, but I've not let on just how much.

[mikespyder]

Well I know she has feelings for me, I just talked to her tonight and she said as much. She very unsure about leaving because of the kids, they are the biggest concern. To be honest it's also my biggest concern, that's the thing that is really twisting me up.

Yes I get along with the kids super well, they are always excited to see me. They even have a nickname for me, I go fishing with them, go to the park all sorts of things.

I have been talking to him, taking his side, doing a damn fair bit of acting like I'm sorry. When really I'm not the least bit sorry and I know that makes me sound like an asshole. But I really care for her, I want to be with her and I just can't make myself feel sorry for something that both of us wanted.

I think I just need to come right out and say everything I've been thinking. I've been holding things back from her, I've not told her exactly how I truly feel. She knows I love her, but I've not let on just how much.

Then I'd say go with what you're heart's telling you.
Just let her know how much you really love her and how much you're willing to sacrifice for her and just pray that will be enough.
Because once that's done it's ultimately out of your hands and in her court now.

I wish and pray for nothing but the best of luck to you in this and hope everything works out for you in the end:biggrin2: