i love my flatmate, but can I tell her? My heart is breaking.

[scottish-andi]

Hi,

I'm not very experienced with women, I've only had a couple of girlfriends and I'm 24. I'm having some trouble with my flatmate.

We live in a flat of 5 people, all students, for 6 months now. She's in the room next door to me.

I'm in love with her, but she's different to any girl I've asked out before. We're pretty good friends, we're always laughing and joking together and we go out a lot together with the rest of the flatmates.

When we met she had a boyfriend but they split up a couple of months ago and she's single.

About a month ago we were just hanging out and going to Starbucks and the movies, just the two of us. I told her that I think she's my favourite flatmate, she's funny and exciting and the flat wouldn't be the same without her. She blushed a little and I left if at that. Last week we were going out for a drink together and she told me I was her favourite person in the flat and she can connect and open up to me. I'm the only person she can have a serious conversation with.

We're always flirting with each other as well. It doesn't seem to go anywhere though, it just seems like a bit of fun despite me laying it on pretty heavy sometimes.

When we talk about relationships, she always compliments me but says she thinks I lack confidence a little and that's my problem with girls.

The most annoying aspect of this is that I think she loved me when we moved in together as she was obviously trying to ask me out a couple of times. At the time I just let it go as I wasn't in love with her and I thought it would be a mistake to date a girl in the same flat who lives next door to me.

I've always tried to deny my feelings for her for that reason. But the last few months I know I've fallen in love with her, I just think to much has gone on and we're too close now for me to ask her out.

She's really out to get a boyfriend though now. When we go out, she tends to just leave the group alone for half the night and talk to strange guys. Last week she hooked up with some guy.

That's my problem. I was wakened up with the sounds of them having sex next door. I was mortified. The next day, I just tried to play it cool with her and had a laugh about her bringing someone home. I even said I was glad she had found someone and could be happy.

She said she didn't have sex with him, despite having obvious love bites. She said it was an awful mistake and she's “so screwed” and doesn't know how to get out of the situation. She said she's meeting the guy on Thursday though. And she began flirting with me again!

So there it is. I've obviously been very stupid and should have been more confident and bolder and asked her out already. But what should I do now? And how should I do it?

Thanks,
Andy

[harold]

Tough one... my general rule is "don't screw the crew".. this means co-workers, flatmates etc. I can only imagine how frustrating it would have been having to listen to them having sex.... ouch...

Well, in fairness to her, you probably made it seem like you weren't interested, and so she was probably confused by the fact you were flirting since you made it seem you weren't keen.. So, you know you should have made a move earlier, OK, that's a good thing to know.. but now what...

All I will say is that you have a risk either way here.. either way could make it difficult to live there... if you make a move and it fails, it might be awkward, if you make a move and it succeeds, it still might make living there awkward if it's just a one time thing.

If you are prepared to (at the most extreme...) move out, then I would definitely go for it. If moving out is impossible at this time, then I would be more cautious, but still potentially go for it. How to do it though.... You might be in the friendzone now, and that's a tricky place to get out of... Why not ask her out on a kind of date? Just the two of you, go to a bar near your house, have a few drinks (not too many) and hold her hand on the way home... but if you're going to do it, don't hold back but also don't let it fly with "i love you"... just be direct, confident (fake it if you don't have it!!! just pretend you are acting) but soft, and tell her that you have feelings for her..

I hope that's helpful.. good luck, let us know what you decide to do and how it goes. remember, girls love confidence, and confidence isn't asshole cockiness, it's not being afraid of failure. you know the benefits, you know the risks, if the benefits are worth the risks (and it sounds like they might be!) then be confident in your decision and go for it!

Also, I should add, I think living together definitely builds up tension, which might explain why you feel that way. I lived with a girl once, we were pretty good friends but had one or two huge fights, but the sexual tension between us way pretty incredible. It's been years since we've lived together, and I think if the time came where we both were unattached we would love to resolve that. So maybe there's also the possibility of waiting until you are out of the house, but from what you have said it sounds like this may be a good chance... By the way, why is she so intent on getting a boyfriend? Sounds a bit weird..

[scottish-andi]

thanks for the advice. I think you're right about this mate. At the end of the day, if she's not into me then I think I can get over this and be good friends with her, but if she is then I think it could be really good. It's the not knowing that's prolonging this.

Also, the lease on the flat is coming up in 3 months and she's planning on moving in with her brother at his new flat.

I was thinking of taking her to the movies, just me and her (I know she'll agree) and just saying something like "do you think we'd make a good couple?" to get the ball rolling. I'll ask her about her flirting, and just make sure she knows that if she's serious so am I. If not then, I didn't want us to get our wires crossed.

If she stops flirting with me then that's fine. We can be good friends or lovers, but not this in-between thing.

[Foxy]

I would ask her out and if she says no then she says no, just have a laugh about it then get over it in private. Nothing major like confessions of love need not apply right now.

[Jetski_Girl]

I was thinking of taking her to the movies, just me and her (I know she'll agree) and just saying something like "do you think we'd make a good couple?" to get the ball rolling. I'll ask her about her flirting, and just make sure she knows that if she's serious so am I. If not then, I didn't want us to get our wires crossed.

If she stops flirting with me then that's fine. We can be good friends or lovers, but not this in-between thing.

I think this is a great idea! Did you try this out with her yet? What happened?