Guys: is the arm thing a "just friends" gesture?

[ExistentialMusic]

Guys: would you put your arm around a girl that you were "just friend" with, and had no other feelings for?

Here's the story behind the question:
I have a thing for my guy friend [we'll call him kevin], and tonight after a local show [concert] I needed a ride, so I asked his older brother, whom im also friends with [we'll call him gerry] for a way home, which i wound up getting. With me the car was full, with me, kevin, gerry, and some other guy crammed into a tiny little volvo. Its like 12:45 at night at this time, and i was getting kinda tired on the way home [its about 25 miles away], so I told kevin that I was gonna use him as a pillow, and i rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes, not thinking much of it. We were on the freeway though, and the road was kinda bumpy, thus we were oving around in the car, so I jokingly said to him "ay, stop moving," to which he apologized. About 5 minutes later, he just took his whole arm and put it around me, put his face close to mine and asked "is this any better?" Heh, yeah it most certainly was. :mrgreen: The rest of the way home, I had my head against his chest with his arm around me, his fingertips gently touching my arm. How cute.

Now, I'll ask again: is this something I shouldnt bother looking into, or it a possible sign that I may just have a shot with him?

---andie

[CletusDelroy]

It could be just a friendly gesture, but it could also be a subtle show of interest. Since all guys are different, well to an extent, you won't know unless you show some interest in him to see where it goes. Be warned though, DON'T play any kind of games with him and don't mess with his head as doing so will only cause him to resent you (as any guy would). Hang out with him more, touch him (like on his shoulder, arm, etc.) and see how he responds. Pay attention to his body language. Does he act kind of shy and school boyish around you, sort of like a kid with a crush? These are all things you should be looking for.

Of course, if you really like him, and he isn't involved with anyone, you can always make a bolder move like asking him out.

[Intrigue1201]

I'm with Cletus on this, he knows more about it anyway.

by the way, who did you see?

[sageraw]

the guy seems like he is really interested! Go for it, I say. if he moved his hand away w/in 10 min of putting it their then it is nothing, but sense he was caressing your arm like that I would doubt he was willing to move it. Take it slow and if he wants it to go faster then I say go w/ it. Move at his paste, but be ready to be one step ahead of him.

[GJHM]

If he's anything like I am, he's TOTALLY into you. In my opinion, that is the BEST way to show affection without being rejected too much. However, DON'T play games with him EVER or he will lose interest faster than you can say "I'm using your head as a pillow".

[ExistentialMusic]

Saw Boston Auto [my friend's in that band, they kick ass], Toast Machine -[my favorite], and Curbsied resistance, but I doubt you'd have heard of em unless youre familiar with the no cal scene.

Thanx for the replies anyone, I just really hope Im not making something of nothing, wich is something I tend to do, but in no way did i exaggerate what happened. Anyone else got some thoughts on this?

[1Diamond Tiara]

Anyone else got some thoughts on this?
Yeah i do, i think either you've known this guy for a long while and he's an affectionate person or he has it bad for you. I opt for the second option because from my experience about guys- they rarely do such things without an ulterior motive. If a guy goes out of his way to help you, make you feel better, do anything that requires effort, well i've observed usually with hindsight, that its not out of the "goodness of their hearts" but because they like the girl.
Follow ur intuition as well, you feel he does like you, you know him better than we do so then talk to him, flirt more etc. And i don't see how you could possibly be playing games by asking to put ur head on his shoulder just as he's not playing games putting his arm around you. As far as i'm concerned theres nothing wrong with an exchange of affection, even if it doesn't mean intention to go further. Guys are usually kings of game playing, well at least the ones i know. :-? Anyway good luck with it, hope it all goes well :)

[CletusDelroy]

The "don't play games" warning was meant as food for thought, as in not to do it in the future. No one accused her of playing games that night, what I was saying, and I would venture to guess the other poster as well, was that it's a bad idea to play the traditional games with him in a lame effort to see where this goes. If she wants him, she should go after him with a rather direct approach, although it can be done with a little subtlety (as not grabbing his ass and saying "I want you"). Guys can and do play games, but this isn't a chicks VS guys issue, it's about one girl wanting to go out with a guy and asking for advice.

[Wrightman84]

ya, she didn't do nething to mess with his head, just food for thought.. i just wanna put an exclamation point on that thought.. playing mind games with a guy is a BAD BAD BAD thing to do.. i hate when girls do that..
neway.. back to the question at hand
i think that he likes you.. or has interest in you.. i would do that to a girl if i liked her... and ya that is my opinion

[goofball]

A) if it's me, it's NEVER a jsut friends thing. i wouldnt' do that to a girl unless i had designs, at least slight ones

B) not all guys are me, but i would still say it's very likely he was attempting to flirt

[ExistentialMusic]

To reply to diamons tiara's post - ive only known him for about a month. :cool3:

[PC]

heh, didn't think I'd see someone on here from the same city as me :) Anyway, I agree with what most people here have said. It could go either way I think. I could see this exact same situation happening to me and my friend. I would probably put my arm around her, but it wouldn't mean anything more than that. We both know that. We've actually had a discussion about this. However, it could just as easily go the other way. There are only two ways I can think of to find out for sure. One would be to just flat out ask him. The other would be to be a bit flirtatious with him and see how he responds.

[Mooch]

heh, I thought the 'arm thing' was when you link arms while walking. :lol:

but yeah, if I did that, it would mean I liked her (or you, whatever).

[Crash Override]

Hm.

I guess I'm going to have to go against the norm and say that I do that with a lot of my female friends, and for me, it really is a "just friends" thing. Either while sitting in a car, or watching a movie, or if they're just really tired...

...Mind you, I probably wouldn't do it with someone I just met, but really, I don't see the big deal here.

He could be interested, but then again, he might not be.
If it were me in his situation, it wouldn't be a sign of interest, but then again, that's just me.

[ExistentialMusic]

Update: Tonight I saw him again, and well, he did it again, only... more so. (lol) We were chilling on the couch, both of us kinda laying down on it, and he was complaining of some tiredness, so he had his head on my shoulder on the premise that since I "used him as a pillow last weekend" then he was going to use me as one now. It was so incredibly cute, he had his arms wrapped around me and such again (except this time we were laying down facing in eachother), and after joking about my height (which he tends to do a lot... im only 5'2") he said "aw im sorry..." and kissed me on the cheek. After another 10 minutes of talking or so, he kissed my cheek again, and I turned my head a little to look at him, and then he kissed me on the lips... and it just kinda went from there. This went on about 15 more minutes, after which point we went downstairs to watch the rest of the band's set, and he wasnt being affectionate then, but was still staying with me, and insisted on walking me to the bus stop (yeah, i had to take the friggin BUS home...). As he was about to leave I remember saying something to the extent of that if that whole deal was just boredom speaking, then he shouldnt do sh*t he doesnt mean... so then he kissed me again. We then just looked at eachother for a whiole minute, and then he left. All of this was very, very, VERY unexpected to me. I'll see him on monday, I wonder how thats gonna go... The only reason im not euphoric right now though, is because Im still skeptical that this was all just something that happened, and I have no clue f he actually likes me or not.

..either way though, it was still really cool having someone I have a crush on kissing me, I can't say I've ever had that happen before... :wink:

---andie

[CletusDelroy]

Heh, good for you. Hopefully it will work out for ya... :D

[Heath]

Uhh...well, if he did all that...I think he has some intrest in you....

[ExistentialMusic]

Does that sound much like something a guy would do thats just looking for some a$$, or do you think theres a possibility he really likes me though?

(sorry Im really skeptical when it comes to this stuff :-? )

[dulcinea]

I think you'll have to see more of him to know for sure what he wants. I mean, if he's looking to get in your pants, he'll try to get in your pants more and more every time he sees you.

But if you REALLY want to know what's going on, tell him so. You have every right to know where you stand with this guy; all you have to do is ask him.

[Wolf]

It's not a sure sign. I'm used as a pillow a lt (I don't know why.. I'm all muscle and bone) and whenever I am I put my arm around the person, it's more comfortable.


But a kiss on the cheek is a pretty clear sign.

The same has happened to me, several times. Every time I go to her house.

Too bad it isn't very often.

[CletusDelroy]

Don't flat out ask him what he's "trying to do" because if his intentions are good, then you will anger him, and in turn drive him away. I mean looking at him and asking "do you really like me or do you just wanna fuck me" isn't the best way to go about this. I for one would find that out of line and wouldn't bother with the girl any more. Just go slowly, and see what he tires - if he tries to cop a feel the next time you see him, well then you know to break it off. If you keep thinking he just wants to bang you, then you will eventually convince yourself of that and won't think with a clear head.

[dulcinea]

Don't flat out ask him what he's "trying to do" because if his intentions are good, then you will anger him, and in turn drive him away. I mean looking at him and asking "do you really like me or do you just wanna fuck me" isn't the best way to go about this. I for one would find that out of line and wouldn't bother with the girl any more. Just go slowly, and see what he tires - if he tries to cop a feel the next time you see him, well then you know to break it off. If you keep thinking he just wants to bang you, then you will eventually convince yourself of that and won't think with a clear head.
yeah, true, I should have clarified what I was saying better... you can't just be like "Hey, are you trying to fuck me, or what?" because you'll probably just piss him off :P.

I mean, it really depends on you how you go about this. You could just see where things go physically. Me, I'm a person who needs to have things verbally clarified. I'd HAVE to sit him down and be like "You're great, I like you, but I kinda need to know if this is going anywhere because I'm confused." That's just the way I am. *shrugs*

[ExistentialMusic]

Well er... it wasnt just a couple of kisses, we kinda made out [except he wasnt trying to grab at anything, he had his hands on my face and an arm around my waist]. Sorry for not making that as clear as I thought I did :o

[goofball]

enjoy what you hvae. you will find out soon enough if it will grow inot something more

[ExistentialMusic]

Mkay, even more help needed now!
Oh man, I totally dont understand that guy. I saw him yesterday for the 1st time since, and I was having a really unplesant day so I wound up being kinda not-nice to him [and actually said the words 'what were you thinking" without realizing what the implications were of what i said]. I spologized to him today, so things are okay now, but I still have yet to know what, if anything, he thought of what happened. We still flirted today as always, but this is something that always happend so it doesnt mean much . He made a few joking remarks about what happened today, ie: i was writing in my journal and he took my pen and started chewing on the end of it or something, and i was all "eew now its all nasty-like" and he commented back "well of course, i mean why would you ever want anything to do with my saliva, huh andie?" and gave me a big grin. He asked what I was doign this weekend, but didnt sayn anything about doing something together. I dont have any idea whats going through his mind, whether he really didnt think anything of it, or that hes pretending it was nothing becaise i was a bitch about it yesterday, or hes just hiding what hes thinking, or what. Im not gonna flat out tell him i like him, that would just create way too much drama.

I am madly confused about this boy!

---andie

[b]

[CletusDelroy]

LOL, he's just playing the game, if you will. Geez, it's obvious he's into you, just go with it. Don't overanalyze every little thing he says or does, if you do you'll only misinterpret it. I don't know, all this isn't that confusing to me. :-?

[ExistentialMusic]

"Just paying the game?"

And yeah, I know, I do tend to over-analyze situations like this, it probably has something to dow ith lack of confidence or something like that. :roll:

[ExistentialMusic]

Okay. Well. Heres a bit of a noteworthy update for anyone who cares -

About an hour and a half ago, he called my cell phone. Except I'd never given him that number. Apparently he had to call around to get it. An obvious sign that he likes me, right?

Wrong.

Apparently, the reason he hunted down my number was because he wanted to clarify what happened, because he already knew why I had been a bit angry towards him yesterday. He says that half of him does not regret kissing me, because he liked it; but the other half wishes it had never happened, because he knows how much that fucked with me. He says that he just "doesnt have girlfriends," at least not right now, and gave me a list of rreasons wy (something about getting grounded a lot (id still see him at school every day), no car (ill have my liscence in two weeks), and a bunch of other crud, as well as "not being in the right emotional state in any way shape or from to have a girlfriend," something about not wanting to get dumped again. He was reasonably nice about it. But the underlying mesage was the same: I dont like you like that (at least not enough to ever consider being with you).

I feel so disgustingly bad right now, because this seems to happen to me with every guy Ive ever liked. F*ck. I just wanna curl up in a ball and cry right now.

---andie

[CletusDelroy]

Well, unfortunately, it seems as though this character is one of those guys who plays mind games. Like anyone else who plays these games (guy or chick) he as self esteem, self confidence, and other personal issues. What happens is they like to lead someone on so they can "prove" to themselves that they good enough to be liked, but then they sabotage the whole thing with a stunt like this. I've had this happen to me, though not that many times (I don't have to beat the girls off with a stick).

You can confront him about this and call him on it, but that would be a waste of your time. I recommend you forget him and move on with your life.

[dulcinea]

heh, show him to me and I will kick him for you. :wtf:

Anyway, I've been there before, and it hurts, in the "I'm good enough to use but not to actually BE with?" sense. I tend to get used far more often than not, and agree with Cletus wholeheartedly on this one.

[ExistentialMusic]

Well forget him and move on is what I'd do... except hes in my group of friends, and seeing him on just about a diaily basis is unavoidable; plus, hes being pretty nice about it, so it makes it harder to just tell him to "fuck off," ya know?

[CletusDelroy]

Yes, it can be awkward being around him all the time, but you can deal with it. I got in a huge fight with a guy friend of mine years ago, and I had to see him all the time as well because he was in "our group"... It was weird, but we both dealt with it (and made amends four years later).

Anyway, what I meant was don't dwell on him. It won't be long before some other guy shows interest in you. I guess this can be chalked up to a learning experience. It's a good thing you're a little "cautious" about situations like this, but remember, getting fucked like this is what life is about. Learn from it, and move on. Yes, it can be hard (believe me I know) but if you think about it too much you won't get anywhere. Oh, and if he tries to come around later, don't go for him (no matter how tempting it will be). In cases like this, it's best to not open up old wounds, so to speak.

[twinkling_eyes]

sorry that it worked out that way he'll never know what he was missing

**hugs**

[fireball]

I'm with cletus he told exacly what I was gonna say