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View Full Version : One Night Stand to...????


Bella1234
October 12th, 2009, 01:18 PM
Ok--I have a confusing situation with a guy that I need some advice on.

About a month and a half ago, I was out at a club and (sadly) had intentions on having my first one night stand. I had been in a terribly long drought, and just needed some "fun" for one night. Low and behold--I met this guy named "David" and bam! I reach my goal.

Seeing that I'd never had a ONS (and he claimed he hadn't either), I just assumed that would be the end of it--no dates, calls, conversations, etc. But the next day, we went to breakfast and we ended up texting each other for the next two days. Weird....

So, he asked me out. I agreed. He asked me out again. I agreed. We go on two dates within a week of having our ONS, and it seemed like all was well. We were only intimate again on the second date.

After that, we just end up texting, on occasion talking on the phone. I offered to go and see him (he's 30-45 min from me) a while ago, but that didn't go through. So, for about a month, he has made no hints at trying to go on another date. :glare: Oh well. So, I sit back and let it be. About a week ago, he wanted to stop by my place to see me but I was out of town. No follow-up there.

As a sidenote: we both got out of really serious relationships. Mine ended about 10 months ago. His ended back in May.

So, in the past couple of days, he's up'd his texting. He randomly asked--so, when's our next date? I just said--whenever we're both free. No follow-up. When we initially started talking, it was a lot of the "getting to know you" type of stuff that I don't care for. But the other night, we found out that we have the same interest in--old comic books! (Go figure!) He was surprised he could be "silly" and talk to me about stuff like that.

Then, he offered to stop by my place to see me. I hadn't seen him in over a month. I agree, and we end up talking about all kinds of stuff for about 2 and a half hours. He heads home. He then sends a text telling me that he likes the fact that can just be himself around me and I won't think he's childish. I just respond with I like hanging out with him. He calls, we chat briefly, and I get off the phone for the night.

Part of our conversation at my house was about him not liking the whole dating scene because people aren't trustworthy, the type of female he wants to date (physique, intellect, attitude--which he said I possessed), when he wants to get married (after 30), etc. I listened and responded in kind but gave no real indication of me wanting to date him. As he was leaving, he was asking me what I was doing this weekend, but then backtracked and said--we'll go out soon. I said ok.

Now, what is going on here? :lol3: We go from ONS, to a few dates, to no real conversations, to THIS (whatever it is). I have no problems being friends with him, but I just don't care to have another night of "fun" (There's no doubt that we had a lot of "fun" together, but I want intimacy). I don't know what his deal is right now--I'm just trying to figure out if I should keep him in the friend category or place him back in the potential date category.

Deidre
October 12th, 2009, 01:56 PM
If you'd actually like to go out with him on further dates (rather than just be friends), it doesn't seem from what you're telling us here like you're doing much to show him that.

You were going to see him, which didn't pan out. He didn't push, so you said nothing. He asked about another date, you more or less blew him off with as non-committal a response you could possibly give and wondered why he didn't follow up. You even say you actively avoid giving indications of wanting to go out with him.

So, essentially, you're playing hard to get and you're disappointed that he's not trying hard enough to get you.

If you want to be just friends, keep it up. He's already getting the picture. If you want to be more than just friends, show the guy some interest. Let him know that you'd like to go on a date. Don't respond coldly to his date inquiries. Show him an indication or two that you like him as more than friends.

Bella1234
October 12th, 2009, 02:37 PM
Wow...well I didn't know that I was blowing him off. Ugh.

To start, when I offered to go see him, he gave me a "crap" excuse. Basically, he had a "meeting" but I know now that the meeting didn't last all day. I don't know what else he had going on, so I just let it go. My thought is--I tried and he blew ME off.

During the month time frame, I have mentioned different things that I wanted to do but didn't have anyone to join me. Indirect invitation that he didn't take. Oh well.

So, that's why I just sat back and let it be just friends. Don't know why he's acting differently now, but I just assumed it wasn't a good thing for me to continue asking him or "making myself available" to go out with him when he wasn't really...trying to go out with me. It's weird.

Bella1234
October 13th, 2009, 10:27 AM
Update....

The advice was not ignored. We talked a little last night, and I just came out and said that I wanted to see him this weekend. Now, we have plans for Saturday night.

Thanks.

Now, let's see where this goes....

Donna
October 13th, 2009, 11:16 AM
Good for you, now just take it 1 day/date at a time & everything will be OK.

moonangel
October 14th, 2009, 03:52 AM
I would talk to him about where you want this to go ... I mean it seems like you're BOTH being stand-offish when deep down you both want something more ... so not much is happening.

It's always awkward when things start from a one-night stand ... you've already been so intimate, but still have to go through the whole awkward "getting to know each other" stages.

Bella1234
October 20th, 2009, 09:53 AM
Update...

The date started off a little shaky because he was distracted (constantly had to take calls), but he eventually started to focus on us hanging out. All was well until....the end of the night. :|

Let's just say we won't be hanging out anymore. I won't get into details, but it didn't end on the best note.

Oh well. On to the next....

The Masked Truelovers
October 20th, 2009, 10:38 AM
Focus on developing a relationship with someone before confusing yourself with the intimacy issue. Intimacy should be an outgrowth that was developed through finding compatibility and a mutual connection. Hopefully, you've learned that one-night-stands can lead to weeks of confusion instead of a night of fun.

Bella1234
October 20th, 2009, 11:44 AM
I am definitely trying to focus on developing a relationship. Sadly, it was not my intention of turning a ONS into a relationship--I was just caught off guard when it seemed like he was trying to do that. I tried to go with the flow of things, but overall I think he just has several issues to deal with on his own.

moonangel
October 21st, 2009, 06:45 AM
Damn. I am so curious as to what happened!

AustiN
October 21st, 2009, 03:20 PM
If a guy meets you at a bar, club, party, and gets you that night, do you really think he is going to take you seriously for a loyal girlfriend? He is wondering, yeahhhhhh how many other guys has she done this with, you saying its ur first time aint gonna convince him lol......i'd never consider a ONS girl for a gf, im sry but they are in slut mode, if ur a guy looking for a gf u dont want a girl who is into the club/bar/party scene AT ALL

moonangel
October 22nd, 2009, 03:31 AM
If a guy meets you at a bar, club, party, and gets you that night, do you really think he is going to take you seriously for a loyal girlfriend? He is wondering, yeahhhhhh how many other guys has she done this with, you saying its ur first time aint gonna convince him lol......i'd never consider a ONS girl for a gf, im sry but they are in slut mode, if ur a guy looking for a gf u dont want a girl who is into the club/bar/party scene AT ALL

So if girls who do one-night stands are sluts, what does that make you then Austin? That is such a small-town mentality, and explains why you're single.

AustiN
October 23rd, 2009, 12:10 AM
any guy you hook up with at a bar/club OP will NEVER take you seriously in the longterm, they might dance with the idea of it for awhile, but eventually when word gets round that they met you at bar/club, their friends will be like dude.......and he will be like....ya i know....fuckkkkkk

Bella1234
October 27th, 2009, 09:00 AM
Oh wow.

Well, I completely understand that. And generally speaking, that's how I assumed it would play out. Frankly, I did it because I had never done it before, and for once, I just said "F" it. Why not? I won't have to see him again if I don't want to....

HE, however, was the one that pursued it further. That was not my doing, and it surprised me. I don't know what the normal behavior is for a ONS, but I don't think we behaved in a "normal" way. Just like I said it was my first time, he said it was his. I can take the SAME approach that you mention--he's in slut mode, how can I take him seriously, etc. But I guess just from talking to me he could tell that was not the norm for me.

As to what happened with me and him--he has issues with his last relationship. The break-up is still kinda fresh given the longevity of it. We actually still talk, but I am now leaving it at the "just friends" level. Believe me, I'm not 100% over my past relationship, but I don't let that stop me from dating/getting to know people. I just deal with nagging feelings from time to time. But for him, he's nowhere near close to being over his, so that's that. (He sometimes hit or miss as far as his general overall attitude.)

In general, I guess he just likes my company and talking to me on a regular basis despite the fact (as Austin would say) I met him in "slut" mode. LOL.

Cuddler
October 27th, 2009, 10:12 AM
To be fair to Austin, it is a known fact that if you really want a guy then you should never "sleep" with him the first night. Matter of fact - I think it's a good test of the guy to see if he can be in the same bed with you and NOT have sex the first time you overnight together.

Bella1234
October 27th, 2009, 12:45 PM
I agree Cuddler...if you really want a guy, then you shouldn't sleep with him the first night.

I didn't approach him as if I wanted anything other than a ONS. So, I guess I should've blown him off when he tried to do anything beyond that.

Bella1234
November 12th, 2009, 10:57 AM
Oh boy...here we go again.

So, interestingly, although our last date did not end so well, me and ONS dude still converse regularly. And we're supposed to be going out again this weekend. He asked me, and I'm not sure why. I think I am going to have to tell him that I don't want to be intimate because quite frankly, it's not all that good for me (no kissing, foreplay, etc.) and he still has some emotional baggage and remains too guarded (in my opinion) to be in a relationship.

Cuddler
November 12th, 2009, 01:20 PM
Thanks for the update. So many people don't do that here and do a driveby post! :-D

moonangel
November 13th, 2009, 10:01 PM
I say go out on this last date, then let him down easily. No point drawing this out if you feel it's not going anywhere. Just because HE is pushing for more, doesn't mean you have to go along with it.

Bella1234
November 19th, 2009, 10:36 AM
I agree. But low and behold....

I think he forgot that we were supposed to be going out this week. I don't know if I should be upset or relieved (because I don't know if I felt like having the "no more sex" talk with him). Geez! This guy is more frustrating than entertaining.

We have talked every day, and he said that we have to hang out soon. I was like...uuuhhh...what about our date? *Crickets chirping*

Oh well. Now, I have no idea what's going on, and I'm not too concerned.

Cassandra
November 26th, 2009, 06:06 AM
Your date should progress at every level, if it doesn't then there is no need of it going further.