A secret kept from guy I'm dating

[irene]

I've been very slowly getting to know someone at work and it's going well, however some of his siblings have mentioned to me that he has Aspergers. Apparently it's only mild but I have noticed that he has certain pecularities and is very particular about routines,and sometimes does not read reactions of people, and is not always socially aware. Sometimes I don't notice anything and other times certain traits are quite obvious.
he was never told he has this conditoin ( he's in his 40's).

I'm not close to his siblings but he is someone I'm really fond of and want to persue the relationship to see where it goes. However, I do have many concerns about the Aspergers and really want to discuss it with him but don't know how to bring it up?
Wouldn't it be a shock if he found out? I did hear a rumour at work that someone asked him if he had it but he denied it.

I don't want it to be the deciding factor about whether to get seriously involved but do I have a right to know more about it and try discussing it with him?
thanks for any insight!

[WTFshewants]

Yours is a tough situation. What comes to mind is how life used to be before Asperger's and Autism were such common diagnoses. People were still people. Some have compulsive behaviors. Some have social awareness troubles. Some have impulses they can't control. Even twenty years ago, these behaviors may still have been happening, but they weren't quite identified, nor did they have specific markers. And with all that in mind, people still had relationships!

If your mind is more focused on the fact that he may have a mild form of Asperger's than the fact that you like him, then I have to wonder whether pursuing him would be healthy for either of you.

I realize that this clinical diagnosis is important if, say, you were to choose to have children together - then you would need to know the probability and the affect Asperger's has on your children -if that is what he has.

You may be feeling compassionate, but it doesn't feel like your place to tell him what his siblings say. There may be good reason why they do not include him in the knowledge. Perhaps he functions normally and to be kept innocent is healthier for him.

Maybe they are allowing him to live like a "normal" human being. Wouldn't they want someone he dates to treat him as normal, too?

If you are comfortable with what quirkiness or differences he possesses and you are still attracted to him and you feel that you can get to know him on an equal plane, and that he won't somehow be treated by you as problematic (and that you won't be analyzing everything he does and trying to fit it into the Asperger's symptoms list) then liking him and pursuing him can be normal, too.

Depending on his awareness, he may or may not enjoy your attention - but, I would stay away from trying to help him in any way that would go against his family's wishes while you are still only flirting or even dating. If it bothers you that they don't tell him - talk to them about it and find out their reasons. They may be good ones!

Best of luck!

Wendy

[Cuddler]

It's basically mild autism. The upside is that they are geniuses usually but they are socially inept.

Not sure why you want to discuss it with him unless you two are already serious. At that point, yes, it would greatly help if he was aware of it. But in some ways - he is what he is and others around him will just have to accept that and handle it which is not always easy. I know two people with it right now. They are great people but difficult in some ways.

If you want to convince him more then anonymously leave printouts about it on his desk or some similar idea. If he thinks others think he has it then he might slowly come around to accept it himself.

[irene]

Thanks, yes I'm looking at this as a potential serious relationship, we have known each other for 1 year and have been "seeing" each other maybe for a few months however he chooses to progress very slowly. After a couple of months we are now at the holding hands stage and the occassional kiss.
I guess I'm over analyzing things but part of me wants to know for eg is it the Aspergers that contributes to him taking his time and being very cautious/slow in relationships, or is that his actual personality? or does it really matter ...probably not. We are who we are and I know we all have traits that other peole may not like.
SOme of his traits I wonder if they can be improved/changed with the awarenous or help of a counsellor but that would mean telling him about the Aspergers. I feel it's unfair that it seems everyone knows even at work but he's kept totally in the dark.
If it was me I think I would want to know.

[Fekete]

If everyone knows he has Aspagners, what makes you think he himself doesn't already know?