Confused

[Sekcboi85]

So, I have been going out with this girl for about 6 weeks only and we are having some problems. Here is the story.

First off, I was a little apprehensive to even start a relationship with her because she has a very dark history. She was raised by her Grandmother, never really talked to her mother, and when she finally met her father at the age of 16, he raped her. She used to do a lot of drugs when she was younger and get into a lot of trouble. Normally, I wouldn't even consider dating someone like this but she has turned her life around the past few years. She now only does marijuana which is no problem with me because I do it too. She isn't as wild as she used to be, stopped doing other drugs and smoking cigarettes but I still wonder how all that history affects her thinking now.
She also has a lot of guy friends and 3-4 of them are her ex-boyfriends. 2 of these friends are pretty close to her too. I am not normally a jealous person, but I am finding it harder to bite my tongue when she talks to them on the phone or says shes going to hang out with them. Especially since I know that one of her exes that she talks to regularly still has feelings for her and wants her.

Anyway, the last week we have been fighting a lot. She seems to misunderstand what I say a lot and take it as something negative. So when she gets mad at me I don't really understand why. Now, I know I have a tendency to be misunderstood sometimes but I don't see why it happens so often with her and why she always takes everything I say as something bad. The other day I gave her what I thought was a compliment and she took it as an insult and we got into a big fight over it. I tried to explain what I meant but she wouldn't listen.

I should mention that we are both very stubborn people and that doesn't help when we start fighting. I also tend to be over-confident and tend to think that I am right most of the time.

So, your thoughts?

[Harper]

Well, it's hard to give specific advice without specific details, but my feeling is this: don't worry about being right. Just let her know that you did not intend to insult her - quite the opposite - but that you're sorry you hurt her feelings. That's it.

Fighting over things like this is a waste of your time; just let go, be sincere, and apologize that you did not communicate your affection clearly. Sometimes we need to be the one of suck it up, and to re-inject some sensitivity and understanding into a situation. I find that by being less rigid, and less concerned with being "right", I end up getting a lot more respect, generosity, and kindness myself anyway - moreso than ever I did by refusing to budge, and by arguing incessantly. In situations like these, I give my ego a slap in the face, communicate from the heart, and let it go. It re-stabilizes situations instantly in most cases.

[automorphism]

Harper's advice about being right is great. I do think though that you should be very, very careful. She can talk to whomever she wishes, but talking to a guy regularly (whatever that means, elaborate if you wish) who still likes her when she's starting a new relationship seems a bit weird. Why would she want to do that at the beginning of a relationship? It's not exactly a great first impression. And fighting after six weeks? It's definitely not a good start. It's good not to worry about being right or wrong in a petty argument, but when it comes to your gut feeling so early on you better trust it.

[Sekcboi85]

Yeah, I am starting to doubt if I can even be with her. She doesn't seem to like compromise and it seems that if I don't do it then we won't stop fighting. I mean, I feel like I am trying too hard and draining too much energy in the relationship while she doesn't really care nearly as much as I do.

Last night we went out and were having a great time. Then all of a sudden when I tried to hold her and give her a kiss while we were shooting pool, she just pushes me away and says "no." So I ask her whats wrong and she just tells me that "she doesn't know." So I figure maybe she doesn't want to do that at the pool hall(which doesn't really make sense because she has been all over me at other semi-public places). Anyway, I cut down on trying to kiss her until we got back to her place. And even when we were alone, she got upset at me when I tried to kiss her. She said she just doesn't want me to touch her now. So I asked her to explain because I was confused and she wouldn't tell me anything. So I got a little upset at her lack of communication and that only pissed her off. She started going off on how she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to and she doesn't need to explain anything to me.

Anyway, we argued for a bit and then I tried to talk about it again. I guessed that the reason she didn't want me to touch her was because other people from her past have hurt her and she is worried that I might do the same. She said this was true and I asked her if she thinks I only want to touch/kiss her because I only want sex from her and she basically said she thinks that sometimes. I really don't get it because she already tested me once by making me wait to have sex with her. I hate those kind of test but I thought it was over with already. And I hate the fact that she won't ever tell me how she is feeling. If I don't read her mind and say how she is feeling, I won't ever know because she won't tell me.

I'm kind of frustrated right now because I feel like she only see's her side of things and doesn't care about how I feel. Maybe she just expects the guy to not have any emotions like that but I can't help but feel hurt when she tells me she doesn't want to touch me and doesn't want to explain why.

Sorry its a little jumbled.. I gotta go to work and didn't have time to get my thoughts fully together.

Thanks for reading.