Struggling02
July 17th, 2009, 09:21 AM
This is my first post, and I am new to this, to please be gentle with me !
Sorry for the long post – I (think) it is all relevant.
My wife left me before Christmas, I was having business problems, coming home in a bad mood etc, and she didn’t see the underlying issues that something was wrong, one day she just said “I’m sick of this, I’m out of here”, and got an apartment in a different area. No warning, ultimatum, nothing. I therefore now live alone and spend a lot of time thinking about everything, dwelling etc. Ive found myself going to a bar quite often, too socialize, to get out of the house, to relieve boredom, etc etc.
I got a new job in February, and sort of slowly accepted that it was over, and the new job helped signify a new life, with new people, new challenges etc. However, there’s a girl (she’s 23, Im 39, no kids) in the office who made friends with me, she was also unhappy as she had recently ended things with her bf as she found he had another gf elsewhere, who was pregnant with his child. By the way, this girl is absolutely stunningly good looking ! the boss at my workplace told me he only employed her as she looked so good around the office !
Over the weeks, we started chatting and confiding in each other, and calling each other, just to chat outside of work as well. We also met to go out for a drink once or twice.
I must stress that its her that makes 99% of the calls to me, not the other way around (I don’t ring, just in case she thinks I am “pestering”, so I have made the decision to let her dictate the pace). She calls me in the evenings, at weekends, and three times now we have been out for a drink. She knows that deep down I adore her, but she said she has backed off a few times, as it appears I want “more”.
She is a very intelligent girl, and plays “the game” with me, far better than I can. She rings me in the evenings regularly (often 4-5 times per week), and if I don’t answer for whatever reason, she then asks me at work (when no one is around) why I didn’t answer. She knows I love to chat to her, Ive told her this many times. By “playing the game” I mean ringing me most evenings (and we can be on the phone for up to 2 hours per call, just chatting), occasionally asking ME if I would like to go out, (then an hour later, saying maybe she can’t, as “she will have to see what she’s doing”) and saying things for example :
“I really wanted to chat to you today, but the boss was in. I may move my desk nearer to you so we can chat better”
“I think about you a lot, but I’d like it to stay just friends for the moment, as I am not over my ex properly”.
And of course the usual chatting etc in work, regularly emailing me asking how my day is going, etc etc.
Something happened last week, in that she saw an email between from me to a male friend in the office, we were joking about an office sports game, and my comment that I would like to go “just to see her in some tight shorts”. She said she was mad about it, but rang me about a few times and we are fine now, I asked if she would let me take her out at the weekend to make up for it, her reply being “Why wait til weekend? And suggested we went out earlier this week after work which we did. At the end of the evening, I was walking her to her car, and she asked something about whether I wanted to be more then friends, I said “well, Yes, youve seen the email!” and her reply shocked me very much, she replied “Well I am DEFINITELY not interested in being more than friends!”. As you can imagine, this shocked me a great deal, disappointed me, and I went quiet. I walked her to her car, said goodbye, and walked away and went home.
An hour later, she called me, saying I had been quiet, and was anything the matter with me. This turned into another 2 hour call, as I said I just felt very foolish, embarrassed and hurt. She said that throughout the time we had known each other, I am a friend but she hasn’t felt anything attraction to me at all that she would like to take things further and that she prefers guys with a "bad boy image"
The next day in the office I was very quiet and agigated, squirming under the surface. I have to put up with this permanently now ! I don’t know if I can.
I didn’t mean anything heavy, and surely she has been on dates before without having to “feel anything” beforehand.
I am now in total turmoil. I do really adore the girl, and feel electricity when she emails/calls/talks to me, but now just feel rejected, embarrassed, hurt etc. I am in a whirlwind of whether to call/email just to say hi, reject the whole thing and just treat her like a work colleague (but I don’t think my feelings would allow me to do that) or leave my job altogether.
I have no idea how to proceed with this, buts its affecting me now where I can’t sleep properly, concentrate at work and think about it all the time.
Please help !
Sorry for the long post – I (think) it is all relevant.
My wife left me before Christmas, I was having business problems, coming home in a bad mood etc, and she didn’t see the underlying issues that something was wrong, one day she just said “I’m sick of this, I’m out of here”, and got an apartment in a different area. No warning, ultimatum, nothing. I therefore now live alone and spend a lot of time thinking about everything, dwelling etc. Ive found myself going to a bar quite often, too socialize, to get out of the house, to relieve boredom, etc etc.
I got a new job in February, and sort of slowly accepted that it was over, and the new job helped signify a new life, with new people, new challenges etc. However, there’s a girl (she’s 23, Im 39, no kids) in the office who made friends with me, she was also unhappy as she had recently ended things with her bf as she found he had another gf elsewhere, who was pregnant with his child. By the way, this girl is absolutely stunningly good looking ! the boss at my workplace told me he only employed her as she looked so good around the office !
Over the weeks, we started chatting and confiding in each other, and calling each other, just to chat outside of work as well. We also met to go out for a drink once or twice.
I must stress that its her that makes 99% of the calls to me, not the other way around (I don’t ring, just in case she thinks I am “pestering”, so I have made the decision to let her dictate the pace). She calls me in the evenings, at weekends, and three times now we have been out for a drink. She knows that deep down I adore her, but she said she has backed off a few times, as it appears I want “more”.
She is a very intelligent girl, and plays “the game” with me, far better than I can. She rings me in the evenings regularly (often 4-5 times per week), and if I don’t answer for whatever reason, she then asks me at work (when no one is around) why I didn’t answer. She knows I love to chat to her, Ive told her this many times. By “playing the game” I mean ringing me most evenings (and we can be on the phone for up to 2 hours per call, just chatting), occasionally asking ME if I would like to go out, (then an hour later, saying maybe she can’t, as “she will have to see what she’s doing”) and saying things for example :
“I really wanted to chat to you today, but the boss was in. I may move my desk nearer to you so we can chat better”
“I think about you a lot, but I’d like it to stay just friends for the moment, as I am not over my ex properly”.
And of course the usual chatting etc in work, regularly emailing me asking how my day is going, etc etc.
Something happened last week, in that she saw an email between from me to a male friend in the office, we were joking about an office sports game, and my comment that I would like to go “just to see her in some tight shorts”. She said she was mad about it, but rang me about a few times and we are fine now, I asked if she would let me take her out at the weekend to make up for it, her reply being “Why wait til weekend? And suggested we went out earlier this week after work which we did. At the end of the evening, I was walking her to her car, and she asked something about whether I wanted to be more then friends, I said “well, Yes, youve seen the email!” and her reply shocked me very much, she replied “Well I am DEFINITELY not interested in being more than friends!”. As you can imagine, this shocked me a great deal, disappointed me, and I went quiet. I walked her to her car, said goodbye, and walked away and went home.
An hour later, she called me, saying I had been quiet, and was anything the matter with me. This turned into another 2 hour call, as I said I just felt very foolish, embarrassed and hurt. She said that throughout the time we had known each other, I am a friend but she hasn’t felt anything attraction to me at all that she would like to take things further and that she prefers guys with a "bad boy image"
The next day in the office I was very quiet and agigated, squirming under the surface. I have to put up with this permanently now ! I don’t know if I can.
I didn’t mean anything heavy, and surely she has been on dates before without having to “feel anything” beforehand.
I am now in total turmoil. I do really adore the girl, and feel electricity when she emails/calls/talks to me, but now just feel rejected, embarrassed, hurt etc. I am in a whirlwind of whether to call/email just to say hi, reject the whole thing and just treat her like a work colleague (but I don’t think my feelings would allow me to do that) or leave my job altogether.
I have no idea how to proceed with this, buts its affecting me now where I can’t sleep properly, concentrate at work and think about it all the time.
Please help !