need advice on friend dragging a relationship

[jessesgirl]

i have a friend who's been with his gf for about 4 yrs now. after their first year of dating, he already told me that he plans to break up with her soon. he just doesnt see it. he dislike her family. he cant see himself marrying her. she's fine but he cant deal with the family. eventually it's gotten to a point where it's not only about the family. but he just doesnt feel it with her. (background story, he got encouraged to ask her out to be his gf). also, his family doesnt like her either

for the past couple of years, he's complained about her to almost everyone he knows. how he doesnt wanna spend time with her. doesnt wanna bring her out. etc. even when i told him that i am newly single, he sighs for himself as he is still not single.

a few months ago he told her that he has no feelings left for her. but didnt have the guts to break up with her. and in the end, she still wants to work it out. they are still together. (another background story, based on his history, he has trouble breaking up with ppl)

i know it's not my business... that's why for the past couple of years, i'm just there to listen... but i'm at a point where i think that they are both not happy in the relationship. guy has no guts to break up with the girl. girl is willing to be with a guy who has no feelings for her. it's SOOO unhealthy and i'm tired of hearing him complain about things like how she invited herself to a party he doesnt want to take her to... it's been at least 2 years! i'm at a point where i just wanna step in to pressure him to break up with her. but i feel bad bc i know the girl too (but i'm not as close to her as i am to the guy). also, it's just so bad to pressure anyone to break up with their spouse. it's just wrong! but here i am wanting to do it!

not only am i DONE with his complaining but it also bugs me how he's dragging it and she's letting him! i guess it's worse now than before bc i hang around him more now than before

i guess i'm asking ppl here, what do you suggest i should do?

[Kuky]

He's waffling in the comfort of his current status. After all, there is NO social pressure to "find someone and make grandchildren" or whatever the bs of the day is. Procrastination is where it's at. He doesn't NEED a big, dramatic reason to break up. In fact, the current situation is way better than those "...and then I saw he was looking at porn and hangs out with his ex sometimes" cases.

Ultimately, it's his business to do it, but some serious tough love might help nudge him towards that end. Do you think "looking forward to the weight being lifted off his shoulders and a great future" is the way to go, or is he more motivated by negative images, like "this is what will happen to you over the next 20 years if you don't dump her NOW"? Probably the latter, given that he's being such a procrastinator.

Another thing you can do is to approach the girl and talk to her. Don't need to tell her to break up with him. Just tell her she's beautiful, and a wonderful person, and stuff. Then, since you're not so close to her, you can probably get away with, "wow, you and <the dude> must have such a close, wonderful, loving relationship... I mean, I can only imagine what it must be like to be truly happy in that way. I bet that with every hour, day, month and year that ticks away, you just grow closer and closer..." and just keep painting the picture of how awesome she is, and how happy she must be, and it might get her to come out of her insecure shell for long enough to kick the guy to the curb herself.

NOTE: I dutifully left out my thoughts on the ethics of any of the tactics I've presented. I just gave you the tools, and tools are devoid of ethics - it's YOUR responsibility to use (or not use) them in such a way that you don't feel filthy for it.

[jessesgirl]

hey kuky,

thanks for the advice! an opportunity came up for me today and i took it. i was talking to a friend about relationship and my recent break up. the gf was listening but not really in the convo. but i'm sure she was paying attention to us. i mentioned things that related to my relationship and this relationship. how i didnt think my ex really liked me and how it was hard on my part. painful. etc. i tried hard but he didnt really seem to feel it.

how i learned from past experience and from this past one that you cant just force these things. if they like you, they like you. and if they never really liked you in the first place or has lost feelings, it just will never pick up. and also the friend i was talking to (not the gf) was agreeing with me haha so it has more power!

i hope she related to what i had to say and thought about it.

[Sandy]

Maybe you can talk to hear what she feels about the relationship and drop a word or two. That will also help to get you a peace of mind.

[jessesgirl]

Maybe you can talk to hear what she feels about the relationship and drop a word or two. That will also help to get you a peace of mind.

the problem is that i dont think she knows i know. so i'm not sure how to bring it up LOL