I am breaking my daughters heart

[tiredmom]

I have a huge problem that I have put off dealing with, I have 2 grown daughters I don't think the younger one even knows about this, but I had a party one night and let my oldest (all over age of 21 )have a few of her friends over too, I was in a bad place at the time and I became so intoxicated that I did the worse thing I have ever done in my life and can not forget I came on to one of my daughters friends nothing happened but everyone knew and still after all these years I can not forget nor can my daughter, my daughter and I still have a relationship with eachother, however for the past year or so every time I see her something is said in reference to that horrible night, no matter how many times I apologize it will never be enough, I don't know how to make this better or if it ever can be. I am at the point of walking out of her life until she can forgive me. I feel like this is hurting her tooo much to have me in her life. backround I have raised both girls on my own since they were little, we have always had a great relationship outside of the normal child rearing woes. She is now a very successful intelligent beautiful woman that I am sooo proud of. but this is killing us please help us, I can not imagine my life without her however if being in her life hurts her this much , I would rather take a backseat for her happiness. Thanks for listening.

[automorphism]

'Friend' as in boyfriend or potential male interest or just a friend?

This was was blown out of proportion. Unfortunately she probably felt a huge social embarrassment.

This is what I think. Instead of adopting an apologetic outlook, screw that. So you were just acting human. Forget feeling guilty, and start today by dismissing it. Honestly I don't think you did anything wrong. Socially it was a huge faux pas, but your daughter is a kid. She'll get over it.

Unfortunately your relationship might suffer for a while, but sometimes kids just need to separate themselves from their parents. I know _I_ had to do this, and my mom and I didn't talk for a while because we had a rocky relationship. But now we're the best of friends, practically. So stop feeling like you did something wrong. We're human after all.

Tell your daughter you've apologized enough, and that you'll be there for her but she has no right to make you feel bad anymore. If that pushes her away, so be it because that's inevitable if she chooses. But if she has any brains she'll eventually rebuild her relationship with you on her own terms.

It does suck but I don't think there's any other possibility. You can suggest family therapy of course if it's bothering her that much, but that may be overkill and placing too much emphasis on an issue that your daughter can't get over.

[tiredmom]

he was just a friend of hers from school, I feel terrible and would never do anything to intentionally hurt her,thanks for your reply your insight is appreciated and much needed. thanks again

[Nurseman]

This is the "worst" thing you've ever done while drunk? I hope he was, at least, cute.

"Yeah, I got ripped and made a pass at one of my Daughter's friends at a party". I mean, there isn't much of a story there. This is the sort of thing that should be funny by now.
Automorph is very right when he said this was blown out of proportion. The daughter's reaction SHOULD be: "You hit on JIMMY? He is SUCH a nerd! You could have done SO much better."

I don't see what you did as all THAT heinous. So you LIKED a guy, big-fat-hairy-deal. Does daughter think you must remain a cloistered born-again virgin for the rest of YOUR life? It sounds like SHE is the one who screwed up here.

Never the less, we ALL have memories that haunt us. You are not unique in that respect. Romance novelists say that love is the strongest emotion. Ha! It doesn't even come close. Shame is by far the strongest. I still cringe about things I did in CHILDHOOD. If a Genie gave me three wishes, number two would be a list of things I'd like to forget.

I hate sending someone off to a counselor because it just seems like a cop-out to me. But a good one can show you some techniques to help you deal with this. Case in point: You are bothered by a memory, a thought. Thoughts are fluid. They are hard to pin down. Get a pen and a piece of paper. WRITE DOWN what you are thinking about this. When you SEE it on paper in front of you, it just seems more manageable.
Give it a try.

Please keep posting. Getting your feelings out helps a lot. Welcome to the forums.





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[Prism]

I agree with what both automorphism and Nurseman said - they both hit the nail on the head.

If the "friend" was just a friend - she will get over it with time. It's embarrassing, yes (for her and for you) - but not disastrous, and the memory will fade and your daughter's friends will eventually forget about it.

How long ago was this? And have you talked to her about it (beyond just apologizing profusely) and explained to her how you're embarrassed over it, etc? It sounds like it was QUITE some time ago, and if that's the case you should both forget about it and move on - easier said than done, I know, but perhaps a calm discussion about it, and airing all the feelings (on both ends) will allow you both to forget it.

[tiredmom]

Thanks everyone for your kind and encouraging words, sometimes I think we just need to hear what we 've always known in our hearts from others.I t makes us feel more"normal" and that we are not the only one when it feels like we are. This was seven years ago, what made it more difficult was that it happend in our very small affluent community,so the whispers ect... and of course dealing with young adults whom like children can be very insensitive and cruel. Yesterday I picked my daughter up and we went for a drive and talked things out everything went well and hopefully this is the end of that chapter. thank you again everyone for your words.
tiredmom