In One Word..."Huh?"

[HipCheck57]

Hi everyone, first time poster here and thought I could bounce something off anyone. Sorry if this post is all over the map.

My issue is this: in January I started to frequent a bar that is close to my daughter's mom's house. Just would swing by once in a while and have a few beers and leave. I met a bartender there who was very nice and sweet to talk to and I usually go in about once a week.

A LTR of mine ended in September and I wasn't looking for anything more than maybe a friend at that point. I still had feelings for my ex and didn't want anything with anyone new until I was clear in the heart and mind myself. This bartender became that friend of mine and we would chat at the bar, she gave me her number, etc etc.

Fast forward to March and with my ex behind me, a mutual attraction developed between her and I. In time I checked to see if she was interested in going out, to which she said yes (nothing ever specific with a date or time, just a "would you like to go to dinner sometime?" statement). So I thought I was on the right track.

About a month ago I asked her to come to a hockey game with me, and she said maybe. The game started at 7:30pm but with her getting off work at 6:00pm I could understand if she couldn't/didn't want to go.

The last few weeks I have gotten the vibe that maybe she isn't interested anymore so I let it be. I just assumed if she was interested, I would know it and moved this into the "friend zone".

The last 4-5 times I have gone in, about 3 times she has refused to take my money for my tab. It's a nice gesture but I'm not big on freebies - I like to pay for what I take. Tuesday she did this again and threw my money back at me with humor, we said our goodbyes and went back to helping other patrons. When she did this, I slipped my money back under the empty beer bottle and left.

Tuesday night I text messeged her stating that while I do appreciate the gesture, I am no different than any other patron and shouldn't be treated as such. She responded with I am in fact different, "unless I didn't want to be".

This comment made me think "OK, now IS she interested or what?". Turns out she is accordiing to her message back but she also said she is hard to read and standoff-ish, she needed to get over that because she has been alone for so long and apologized. I said it's OK and I'm a patient guy so don't worry about it because while I do not know details I do know she had a LTR (6+ years from what I understand) go south but I don't know when or how long ago (small world too - turns out her BF ended up going out with someone I know. Mind you, I never stepped foot in this bar until January and it is in a totally different city than my usual stomping grounds).

This was also followed up by a hint of jealousy on her part in a text, as she inquired about a girl who I had a conversation with while at the bar earlier that day on the phone (she is my best friend). She asked who she was to me and once I explained it she was cool. So again, I'm getting the "she's interested" signs. Why would she ask otherwise, right?

My question is this: is she or is she not interested? Is she truly hard to know, and if so how should I approach this? I feel like I'm getting mixed messages and don't want to waste anyone's time, specifically my own - I'm 34 now and have had plenty of great and terrible relationships in my life time and know what I want now.

She likes getting text messages from me, but rarely text messages me back. I was surprised I got a response on this Tuesday night to be honest. I wasn't expecting one. Wouldn't someone who is interested communicate back? Or is this part of the wall she has built up? Or is this part of the game I need to play to get her?

I have no idea how to go about this to make sure I don't push her away.

Any and all help would be appreciated.

[kuju]

Just ask her out! Again! Instead of inviting her to a specific thing, say "When are you available?" and then make YOURSELF available for that time. She's clearly interested, and you're taking your sweet time about it!

[HipCheck57]

Thanks for your input.

I had to pick up my daughter today and stopped in there before I did (non-alcoholic beers in case you were wondering. My daughter is 3 and a half and I would never drive with her after drinking) and it just so happened she had to sit next to me to cut up the limes for garnishments. That took about 5-7 minutes so we got to chat a little bit more closely than we normally get to because of all the people around.

There was the issue though too - because of the NFL draft today the bar was a little busy so I didn't get my moment to ask her out. But that is good IMO, because I don't want to a) bring up something personal at her workplace and b) put her on the spot (a lot of the folks there are locals, I'm a new guy and don't know anyone except for one older lady who I see once in a while I talk to) as that may be awkward for her.

So that is my next question: I do have her number; should I just call her? I also don't want to put pressure on her and a dinner date may be too much right now so maybe lunch?

PS - I text messaged her last night saying I was thinking about her and have a good night and she responded with "thanks sweetie, you are so kind. Good night". She even mentioned today she liked getting that text from me last night.

I need to make my move!

[rosszero]

She may be putting up a wall, but also, it sounds a bit like she's taking things slowly in general and just enjoying life, and flirting, getting a bit of attention.

I think you should do the same, but show you're interested by inviting her out to lunch and take it from there. Asking her out to lunch isn't exactly having to commit to anything, but is a good way to see if she is interested at all.

If she agrees, make some kind of move. If she keeps avoiding any type of date then take a back seat and unfortunately stay in the friends zone, but if there's anything there, let it progress naturally.

[HipCheck57]

Thanks and will do - I'll probably give her a buzz later next week and see what she is up to.

I'm just smitten by this woman. Pretty weird feeling because it's been a few years. I didn't feel this way with my last ex, but then again she wanted to move in together after 2 whopping weeks of dating.

[HipCheck57]

Just a quick update on this, I finally asked her out (and was specific about it as suggested) today. Our schedules need some work but it looks like we're going on our first official date in the 17th. I sent her some flowers late last week that she received on Saturday and she loved them as well.

I'll let you know how it goes and thanks again to everyone!

PS - now that I have a date, any suggestions where to go? I have some ideas but fresh input is always a good thing!

[HipCheck57]

Hi again...

We finally went out last night and had a great time. It didn't seem like it was going to be a good time at the beginning as reservations got cancelled because she had unexpected things come up which pushed us back about 2 hours, so needless to say as the texts kept coming in I was starting to think I was either going to be stood up or it just wasn't going to happen this night.

She lives in my hometown it turns out, so we stayed local as we met up around 8:30pm and went to a Japanese restaurant (we had an earthquake here in CA yesterday and we were sitting down and ordering when the quake hit. She is not originally from here and relatively new so it startled her a little. I just kept on ordering food and appetizers for us as the table swayed and rocked. Later she would comment on how this did not phase me.I'm just used to these and until there are buildings or walls collapsing around me, I really am not bothered by them. Haha!) and afterwards to a local bar and shot pool and had cocktails for a few hours.

At the end of dinner I excused myself to use the restroom and when I returned, I asked for the bill. It showed up...with her check card having already paid for it. It was a very nice gesture and I was very surprised but also felt a little strange. I have never had a date do that, especially on the first date, and secondly I am firm believer that the man has certain responsibilities in the courting process including paying. I accepted gracefully and everything, but it still felt strange.

All in all, a good date although somewhat short because of the late start. We talked a lot, we have a lot in common, and it was nice to get to know her a little outside of the bar environment. I even got me a quick kiss when we said goodnight ;)

So from what I felt, we had a spark or connection. I think she felt the same way too. Now I have 2 more questions:

- First, I will pop in on her tomorrow to say hello and get a read on her. Based on what happens there, and if my feelings are confirmed, when would be an appropriate time to ask her out on a second date?

- Second, I usually pop in on her twice a week. Saturday is almost a guarantee and then usually one of two days she works during the week.

I do not want to change my visiting schedule to less so she doesn't think I'm not interested in her or more so she doesn't think I'm Mr. Stalker or Mr. Possessive now that we have gone on a date. I just don't want things to get "weird".

Any idea how to appproach that situation?

Thanks again!

[HipCheck57]

Hello again...and the thread continues.

I stopped in last Tuesday and felt her out about how things went and I think I got positive vibes. I did not however ask her out again.

I stopped in Thursday and same type of thing, got a positive response. This time however I just asked her if she would like to go out again and she said yes. We threw around some ideas but she was getting busy and I needed to leave for school so we just left it at "we'll talk later". It was hard to hear her in there with all the noise.

While I was there on Thursday she expressed to me her desire to leave the bar business. She is college educated and wants to put her degree to use, plus there has been some bar politics going on recently between management and the employees. The night before, she had a run in with her door guy who did something (I was not there but also couldn't quite get the gist of the incident because of the noise and such) and got in her face, to which she responded and got into his.

Long story short while in class I get a text that says they let her go for no apparent reason. We both believed it had to do with the incident the night before because the door guy is friends with the GM, who is the son of the owners. I was surprised because I have seen this woman frequently since January and never once was she rude to anyone and has a rapport at the bar amongst the locals. But it also gives her an opportunity to put her plan into action.

I called her Friday about 1:00pm and left a message - just a "hey, hope you're OK and don't worry about it" message. No response. I sent her a text message late Sunday night, "hope you're having a good weekend. Just wanted to say hi" message. No response. Haven't contacted her since.

Now I'm confused as to how to approach this situation and what is exactly going on. I have decided to give her her space because she took her job seriously, even if she didn't like it, so I could see that being a shock to the system. It's unlike her to not even send me a text back though, which is the odd part, especially since as of Thursday everything seemed fine.

Any ideas of a) what could be going on and b) when would be a good time to contact her again?

Thanks!