Are they really "just friends"?

[Colima]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months over a woman he is in contact with. She is 15 years younger than him. He and I are the same age. He is close to his ex-wife, ex-girlfriends, and has many female friends. None of that bothered me - except I had a weird feeling about this particular woman. Well, on Valentine's Day, he texted her asking her, "Will you be my Valentine?" He didn't ask me to be his Valentine. In fact, he did nothing for me for Valentine's Day . He told me he didn't believe in Valentine's Day! Then, I was the victim of an assault. He took me to the hospital. While I was in the exam room, he was outside texting her. She asked him to go to a show with him that night, and he agreed. He didn't say, "Hey, my girlfriend is in the hospital and really needs me right now so sorry I can't go," he said "Sure, I'd love to!" He didn't say anything about me to her at all. He also went to a party she hosted and lied to me about going - until a picture of him with her at the party showed up on Facebook. He says that they are just friends and that I am overreacting and I am unreasonably jealous and wrong. I say I have every reason to be upset. I say he's infatuated with her and that his behavior is inappropriate for someone in a committed relationship.

[Deidre]

He might have had good reasons for the Valentine thing (e.g. joke after she complained she's never been someone's Valentine). He might not have. We don't really have any data about their relationship to say that this is something to be jealous about.

What worries me, though, is that he makes plans with her when you are in the hospital for assault, and he doesn't even know what the outcome of your examination is yet. :boggled: In some circumstances that might be ok, but I can't think of many that aren't also highly unlikely. This is indeed reason for upset and worry.

In general, too, unless you are jealous by nature and don't want him having female friends (and this apparently doesn't apply to you), go with your gut feeling. If something doesn't seem right, and that's not your standard response, it's usually because it isn't. I don't mean that a bad feeling means he is actually cheating on you with her, but he might wish he had the guts to.

[Harper]

Honestly, his lack of empathy towards you after the assault is disturbing to me. I would question, after witnessing that, why you would even concern yourself with how he may or may not feel towards some other woman. Let her have him. His behavior shows a grievous lack of care. That is NOT normal male behavior - particularly under those circumstances.

[moonangel]

I agree his behaviour is completely out of line and even if nothing was happening between them, his disregard for you is inexcusable.

But since you've already broken up with him (which was definitely the right thing to do), I'm not sure what advice you're seeking. Are you thinking of going back to him?

[Colima]

I already broke up with him. I know I can't go back to him - not sure if that's even on the table. The main thing is I am feeling guilty because he put the onus on me saying I was being unreasonable, I was being unfairly suspicious, I was being jealous for no reason. I don't agree. If there was nothing going on, why did he lie so many times over her and hide things from me? He didn't do that with other female friends. And I have no problem with his other female friends. No I am not going back to him. I guess I just need some support and validation.

[alovehangoverr]

You did the right thing.

Leaving you at the hospital to go out with another girl when he should have been comforting you and being your support system? That's beyond low. The fact that she took priority over you in that situation is suspicious. Add that to him lying about seeing her.. yeah, that has shady written all over it.

If he's telling you you're at fault/being unreasonable/getting defensive/etc.. that would be because he knows he's in the wrong. If he did cheat, it's a common thing for cheaters to blame shift and gaslight.

[hanger89]

I'm a guy, and I have cheated on somebody before (no please don't attack me! I'd never do anything like that again trust me I feel terrible) and I have had a best friend that was a woman. And I know like hell would I ever leave my girlfriend if she was in hospital even for that best friend, especially lying about it and going to a party with her.

That is odd and I wouldn't put it past him if he was cheating, because you hadn't minded him being close to his other ex's so why would he keep going out to a party with just a friend from you? which would be more explainable than an ex because they don't have relationship history, and he wouldn't get so defensive of it all either.

You did the right thing in breaking up with him!

Be strong!