Crash Override
July 2nd, 2002, 07:53 PM
Well, it IS summer, and most of the guys out there are probably bored and have nothing better to do with their time than shave down under.
I've been an on-again off-again shaver. Usually I just trim, but I've decided to share some tips that I've gleaned along the way.
Disclaimer: I am not responsible if you are a retard and end up with a permanent soprano voice.
For ease of reading, I shall divide this manual into three parts: shaving your pubic region, your scrotum, and your actual penis shaft.
The manual will go from easiest to hardest (no pun intended).
But first, a few ground rules.
[list]
[list]
[list]
[list]
1) Mowing the lawn
This is the easy part. You can use an electric razor here if you want. In fact, I would suggest using a beard trimmer to get through the jungle first, before you shave with any kind of razor. If you don't have a beard trimmer, use clippers or scissors, but be careful. One wrong move and you've just become Lorena Bobbitt's best friend. I would suggest using some type of shaving lotion or gel here, but you could probably do without. Again, this step is ridiculously easy. Use some non-stinging aftershave or some type of lotion, and to prevent ingrown hairs, exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate! I can't stress that enough.
Shaving private ryan
Now, onto the most dangerous task of them all: the shaft.
According to some, this has the added benefit of making you look longer. I don't really see it, but if you're so desperate to look longer that you need to shave your dude, your problems are way beyond my expertise.
Now, this isn't as difficult as it sounds, as long as you're damn careful. Shave with the grain, downwards towards the base. Single, careful strokes.
This is the most dangerous because your penis has VEINS in it. Blood rushes here all the time. You cut yourself now, and it's GAME OVER.
Some people prefer to simply pluck the few lone hairs on the shaft. While this is infinitely safer than shaving, it's also ridiculously painful.
Don't use any after-shave balm here, because it WILL most likely get into your urethra and sting like a mofo.
Taking yourself out to the ball game
Before I begin this section, I'd just like to let all the men in the world know that the nut suck is one of the greatest feelings in the world, and shaving here will definitely increase your chances of getting one.
Now, your nutsack can be in various states. All men know this. If it's playing hide-and-seek, shrinking away from its natural predator, the razor, now may not be a good time for this. You want it loose and dangly. You want to catch it unawares, without it knowing its untimely fate.
Using an electric razor here can puree your scrotum, so be careful. Also, using a normal razor, like, let's say, a Mach3, can do worse things; your sack can get caught between the blades and it'll slice the shit out of you. For some reason, the scrotum seems to bleed like nobody's business, almost to no end, so make sure that ball suck is really worth it (in my personal opinion, it is, but then again, I've been doing this long enough to know how not to cut myself). This is easily the place where one can screw up the most, but it holds the greatest rewards.
Pull the nutsack taut, to make a smooth, non-wrinkly surface for your razor to glide on. Shave FUCKING CAREFULLY.
Take your time. This isn't a race. If you really cared about your boys, you'd give them as much time as they needed.
Again, use a NON-STINGING aftershave balm. The stinging kind will make you cry worse than you did when Bruce Willis died in Armageddon.
You may see some (or a lot of) hair below your nutsack. This is venturing into the arse region, a region even I won't go near with any type of object, much less a fucking RAZOR. If you want to shave that, you're on your own, kiddo.
Final Thoughts
Trimming is infinitely easier than shaving, and it looks and feels almost as good.
Also keep in mind that while your girlfriend might really enjoy the smoothness of your shaven pubic area, she may also freak out and never want to go down on you again.
Trimming can keep the hairs out of her face without making you look all that weird.
Keep in mind, if you're not serious about shaving, then give your woman a break until the hair grows back into a decent length; while the completely smooth feel might entice her into going down on you more often, unless you're willing to put in the upkeep, the stubble will most likely turn her off blowjobs for a while.
Finally...it WILL itch like fuck unless you take some elementary precautions. You may have to baby powder the insides of your boxers for a while. I guarantee you'll get used to it after a bit, though, and it will itch less with each successive shave.
I've been an on-again off-again shaver. Usually I just trim, but I've decided to share some tips that I've gleaned along the way.
Disclaimer: I am not responsible if you are a retard and end up with a permanent soprano voice.
For ease of reading, I shall divide this manual into three parts: shaving your pubic region, your scrotum, and your actual penis shaft.
The manual will go from easiest to hardest (no pun intended).
But first, a few ground rules.
[list]
[list]
[list]
[list]
1) Mowing the lawn
This is the easy part. You can use an electric razor here if you want. In fact, I would suggest using a beard trimmer to get through the jungle first, before you shave with any kind of razor. If you don't have a beard trimmer, use clippers or scissors, but be careful. One wrong move and you've just become Lorena Bobbitt's best friend. I would suggest using some type of shaving lotion or gel here, but you could probably do without. Again, this step is ridiculously easy. Use some non-stinging aftershave or some type of lotion, and to prevent ingrown hairs, exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate! I can't stress that enough.
Shaving private ryan
Now, onto the most dangerous task of them all: the shaft.
According to some, this has the added benefit of making you look longer. I don't really see it, but if you're so desperate to look longer that you need to shave your dude, your problems are way beyond my expertise.
Now, this isn't as difficult as it sounds, as long as you're damn careful. Shave with the grain, downwards towards the base. Single, careful strokes.
This is the most dangerous because your penis has VEINS in it. Blood rushes here all the time. You cut yourself now, and it's GAME OVER.
Some people prefer to simply pluck the few lone hairs on the shaft. While this is infinitely safer than shaving, it's also ridiculously painful.
Don't use any after-shave balm here, because it WILL most likely get into your urethra and sting like a mofo.
Taking yourself out to the ball game
Before I begin this section, I'd just like to let all the men in the world know that the nut suck is one of the greatest feelings in the world, and shaving here will definitely increase your chances of getting one.
Now, your nutsack can be in various states. All men know this. If it's playing hide-and-seek, shrinking away from its natural predator, the razor, now may not be a good time for this. You want it loose and dangly. You want to catch it unawares, without it knowing its untimely fate.
Using an electric razor here can puree your scrotum, so be careful. Also, using a normal razor, like, let's say, a Mach3, can do worse things; your sack can get caught between the blades and it'll slice the shit out of you. For some reason, the scrotum seems to bleed like nobody's business, almost to no end, so make sure that ball suck is really worth it (in my personal opinion, it is, but then again, I've been doing this long enough to know how not to cut myself). This is easily the place where one can screw up the most, but it holds the greatest rewards.
Pull the nutsack taut, to make a smooth, non-wrinkly surface for your razor to glide on. Shave FUCKING CAREFULLY.
Take your time. This isn't a race. If you really cared about your boys, you'd give them as much time as they needed.
Again, use a NON-STINGING aftershave balm. The stinging kind will make you cry worse than you did when Bruce Willis died in Armageddon.
You may see some (or a lot of) hair below your nutsack. This is venturing into the arse region, a region even I won't go near with any type of object, much less a fucking RAZOR. If you want to shave that, you're on your own, kiddo.
Final Thoughts
Trimming is infinitely easier than shaving, and it looks and feels almost as good.
Also keep in mind that while your girlfriend might really enjoy the smoothness of your shaven pubic area, she may also freak out and never want to go down on you again.
Trimming can keep the hairs out of her face without making you look all that weird.
Keep in mind, if you're not serious about shaving, then give your woman a break until the hair grows back into a decent length; while the completely smooth feel might entice her into going down on you more often, unless you're willing to put in the upkeep, the stubble will most likely turn her off blowjobs for a while.
Finally...it WILL itch like fuck unless you take some elementary precautions. You may have to baby powder the insides of your boxers for a while. I guarantee you'll get used to it after a bit, though, and it will itch less with each successive shave.