Confusion, Best friends and an affair...your thoughts please.

[Ice Angel]

Hi everyone, I am new to the forum and need some opinions regarding my current situation.

My best friend is an engaged man. We only met about 4 months ago but have spent most days together (we are both uni students) and most weekends too. Weekends are spent either at his place or mine, with his finance too (I like her and we are friends too - through him).

We have a deep emotional connection, we both agree that we are both each others best friend, we really enjoy each others company and care deeply for one another. We also have a physical attraction that wont go away. We have crossed the boundaries of friendship on many occasions and last week we started having sex. This is not the problem though...please read on I am getting to a point...I think.

Yesterday after we had sex I brought up the issue that we should probably stop as I know that he is in love with his finance and I don't want things to get more messy and complicated than they already are, as ultimately I know that I will be the one that gets hurt or worse, his finance could find out and she would get hurt which is something I would never want to happen.

Anyway, we agreed to continue our relationship on a purely platonic level from now on. The problem is I am confused about many things. I can't even really express what exactly it is that I am confused about really but I will try my hardest. Here goes... I am not sure about my feelings for him. I know I love him but am not sure if it is a friendly love or something more. I know he loves me as a friend and cares for me but he has made it clear that he couldn't see us in a relationship (but I am not sure if he means it or if he only said that because I said a similar thing to him first). So I find myself wishing that he was single so that we could at least share a casual relationship as I really am unsure that I would want to be in any committed relationship at all.

I am also confused about exactly how he feels about his finance. He really loves her but then winges, complains and bitches about the things he hates about her all the time. I can see that they are not completely compatible with each other and think they are crazy for wanting to get married (being a divorcee myself, I no longer believe in happily ever after) and can plainly see that their relationship will not last the distance yet feel helpless as I know I can't interfere with these things as I know it will make or break itself over time. I am having problems with jealousy as I find myself feeling incredibly jealous and resentful towards his finance, especially when she treats him likes shit.

I think I can cope with being 'just friends' but I know he is likely to have lapses and we are going to be seeing each other for at least the next 3 years in the same classes at Uni. If he does have a lapse and wants to start getting physical again, I don't think that I would have the will power to refuse even though I know it's wrong and I will get hurt in the end.

Now I feel the need to apologise, as I didn't make a point after all, I guess I just needed to get my confusion off my chest as I have no one that I can talk to about this for fear of leaking our secret. I realise that most of what I just wrote doesn't make much sense and is in no particular order but any advice/thoughts/similar experiences etc. will be welcome.

[moonangel]

Haha ... I love the way you spelt fiance. It's actually quite funny if you look at it literally. (Sorry, I'm not being condescending, I just couldn't help but comment. I'm a sub-editor, that's what I do.)

I also find it interesting that you're saying you having sex with a man who is to be married is "not the problem". Yes, it is a big part of the problem. This is one whole big complicated mess.

There are a number of possible scenarios:

1) He could keep dating his fiance. You back off and stop spend timing with him and her, and refrain from any kind of physical contact with him whatsoever.

2) He breaks up with his fiance, and you two continue a casual thing.

3) You keep having sex with him, he keeps seeing his fiance.

1) Could work, if you exercise self-control. But judging on past performances, I'm not sure either of you can. It leaves too much wide open, and ... you'll lose a friend. Well time spent with that friend, anyway. 3) should not be done under any circumstances, because I guarantee you, it doesn't matter how secretive you are, people WILL get hurt. Guaranteed.

So that leaves 2), which I think is the best option. I don't care how much he cares about her, if he is having sex with someone else, he should NOT be marrying her. He needs to be honest with himself.

Now, back to the sex. How do you feel when you have sex with him - is it beautiful and intimate like making love, or is it just sex? You seem so blase about it, but if your feelings for him are as deep as you say surely the sex would be a very connecting thing?

I mean I don't get it ... you have a deep emotional connection, you're wildly attracted to each other and you're best friends? Do you know how many people would kill to be in that situation? What exactly is holding you back from him, apart from his fiance?

You've both said you can't see each other being in a relationship together .. what are the reasons whY? You haven't really explained. I think you seem to be covering/smothering your feelings for him for whatever reason ... but then you still willingly have sex with him even though he's a taken (very taken) man. I think you have a lot of stuff to work out.

[kuju]

moonangel... you are SO MUCH more tolerant than I am. I'm still despertely trying to NOT rant at this girl.

[edelweiss]

moonangel... you are SO MUCH more tolerant than I am. I'm still despertely trying to NOT rant at this girl.

Ha... me too.

[moonangel]

Well, I figure she needs help, rather than a lecture.