Rebuilding trust ?

[gj4utoo]

After she has cheated on me and lied about it, but eventually told me, and she wants me to trust her again,,, is it un reasonable for me to check her emails and text messages to build trust again? When that is how she contacted the person she cheated on me with !

[WanderingMan]

If you're doing that, you're not building trust. You're satusfying some desire to make yourself "feel good" she isn't cheating.

[gj4utoo]

If you're doing that, you're not building trust. You're satusfying some desire to make yourself "feel good" she isn't cheating.

So am i supposed to just blindly trust her?

Or would seeing is believing,,, not be a better way to rebuild that trust?

I might add when i did try to look at her text messages she went ballistic and that just made me feel she was hiding something!

[Carnation]

Checking her emails and texts wouldn't help build that trust at all. There are many many ways around that. She could easily delete any evidence.

I've always thought if you can't trust someone you're with, why are you with them?

[gj4utoo]

Checking her emails and texts wouldn't help build that trust at all. There are many many ways around that. She could easily delete any evidence.

I've always thought if you can't trust someone you're with, why are you with them?


So your saying once sombody cheats dont trust them again and just dump the cheater to the curb????

[Carnation]

So your saying once sombody cheats dont trust them again and just dump the cheater to the curb????

No. I'm saying if you can't trust them why are you with them?

I know plenty of couples who have had infidelity in their relationship and have worked through it based off of what you call "blind trust."

You said you can't trust your girl without going through her texts and emails.

[gj4utoo]

No. I'm saying if you can't trust them why are you with them?

I know plenty of couples who have had infidelity in their relationship and have worked through it based off of what you call "blind trust."

You said you can't trust your girl without going through her texts and emails.

No i said that checking things out and not blindly trusting her will and does help me to rebuild trust in her !!!

[Harper]

It is her job now to be transparent, and it is your job to be trusting. Checking through her things is not being trusting. At the same time, if she is serious about re-building your relationship, she ought to be forthcoming about who she is with, why, and so on. You each have a role to play in re-building trust, and you need to trust the other to do their part with constant supervision (or the cause is hopeless at the outset).

[water nymph]

Checking up on her is basically using her past infidelity as a means to esuage your insecurity, which is not going to solve anything regardless of whether you have a right to be distrusting. It is also using her infidelity as a weapon against her and, having been on the receiving end of similar treatment, I can tell you all it does it build layers of anger and resentment for both parties.

If you are both serious about rebuilding trust it is going to be a lot of compromises and taking risks. You're going to have to sit down and talk about what would help you to trust her again, but you also have to keep in mind that things have to be fair for her as well. So snooping through her stuff as a way of policing her behavior is not at all fair.

PS When this thread runs its course I am going to move it to the archives, unless anyone has any objections.

[Elvec]

Checking her emails and texts wouldn't help build that trust at all. There are many many ways around that. She could easily delete any evidence.

I've always thought if you can't trust someone you're with, why are you with them?


Messages are recoverable and IMO the person cheating destroyed any right to privacy they had when they cheated. Bascially they are tried and convicted it is up to them to provide proof positive that they won't again, innocent until proven guilty is true but once guilt is proven rehabilitation under supervision is also true.

Trust is a funny thing it takes a lot of effort and time to build, it also takes proof to build. If you are checking and finding nothing sooner or later you'll stop, if you are looking and finding evidence of more guilt cut and run that person is a lying scumbag not worth your time and effort.

To prove I do actually have some knowledge here I believe I have made a mistake, I accepted that my wife was "getting better" with therapy and now I've found circumstantial evidence she hasn't and is planning to cheat again. I will be talking to her about it later today and part of that will be letting her know I can and will recover her messages from her phones if she has nothing to "hide" this shouldn't be a problem if she is hiding something this will cause a massive blow-up. IMO the cheating partner HAS the burden of proof, trust has been destroyed and if it seems hard-arsed that they have to be completely transparent well the situation wouldn't have arisen if they were trustworthy in the first place. I am truly expecting to be moving out this afternoon the circumstantial evidence is pretty strong but I won't jump without hard proof one way or the other. This is 4 months after she initially told me she had cheated so the timeframe isn't exactly long. I mean would anyone consider it to be completely innocent that she has this guys phone number in her phones AGAIN (which appeared within the last 2 weeks after she found out about the function) and she is planning a trip to his hometown in a week for an unrelated function? Another little thing she has tagged his name in her contacts list with the same icon she uses for me a loveheart.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

[gj4utoo]

Messages are recoverable and IMO the person cheating destroyed any right to privacy they had when they cheated. Bascially they are tried and convicted it is up to them to provide proof positive that they won't again, innocent until proven guilty is true but once guilt is proven rehabilitation under supervision is also true.

Trust is a funny thing it takes a lot of effort and time to build, it also takes proof to build. If you are checking and finding nothing sooner or later you'll stop, if you are looking and finding evidence of more guilt cut and run that person is a lying scumbag not worth your time and effort.

To prove I do actually have some knowledge here I believe I have made a mistake, I accepted that my wife was "getting better" with therapy and now I've found circumstantial evidence she hasn't and is planning to cheat again. I will be talking to her about it later today and part of that will be letting her know I can and will recover her messages from her phones if she has nothing to "hide" this shouldn't be a problem if she is hiding something this will cause a massive blow-up. IMO the cheating partner HAS the burden of proof, trust has been destroyed and if it seems hard-arsed that they have to be completely transparent well the situation wouldn't have arisen if they were trustworthy in the first place. I am truly expecting to be moving out this afternoon the circumstantial evidence is pretty strong but I won't jump without hard proof one way or the other. This is 4 months after she initially told me she had cheated so the timeframe isn't exactly long. I mean would anyone consider it to be completely innocent that she has this guys phone number in her phones AGAIN (which appeared within the last 2 weeks after she found out about the function) and she is planning a trip to his hometown in a week for an unrelated function? Another little thing she has tagged his name in her contacts list with the same icon she uses for me a loveheart.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
Well some one that thinks the same as I, sorry your in the same hell hole as me!!!!

But this all still dosnt tell me if im right or wrong the majority thinks checking messages is wrong! A great president once said ,,, Trust but verify,,, Was mister Reagan right or wrong?

[water nymph]

Funny that should come from Regan. Look at how far verifying took him (Watergate).

As to whether it is right or wrong, I think that checking through her messages breeches personal privacy to an extreme that is not warranted despite her past cheating. That is depriving her of personal dignity and respect and will only build resentment. There are other ways to rebuild trust that don't involve policing her every move and making her effectively into a prisoner- some of these ways have been enumerated above. Furthermore, your paranoia will skew things so that no matter what you find in her cell phone or e-mail, you will think she is cheating.

Right or wrong on this matter is very subjective, so my opinion may not mean a lick to you if you have your mind set on infringing on her privacy. Clearly Elevec thinks the opposite of me but he is currently in the middle of what comes from checking up on a partner who has cheated on you, so his opinion is influenced by everyhing he is going through. I speak from your girlfriend's perspective- I have been on the receiving end of this kind of surveillance before and it made me feel worthless, unloved, angry, and vindictive- it drove us apart and did not make the remainder of the relationship any better.

But in the end you will do what you think is right. So best of luck on whatever you choose.

[gj4utoo]

[QUOTE=water nymph;221775]Funny that should come from Regan. Look at how far verifying took him (Watergate).

Watergate! That was Pres. Nixon

[gj4utoo]

Funny that should come from Regan. Look at how far verifying took him (Watergate).

As to whether it is right or wrong, I think that checking through her messages breeches personal privacy to an extreme that is not warranted despite her past cheating. That is depriving her of personal dignity and respect and will only build resentment. There are other ways to rebuild trust that don't involve policing her every move and making her effectively into a prisoner- some of these ways have been enumerated above. Furthermore, your paranoia will skew things so that no matter what you find in her cell phone or e-mail, you will think she is cheating.

Right or wrong on this matter is very subjective, so my opinion may not mean a lick to you if you have your mind set on infringing on her privacy. Clearly Elevec thinks the opposite of me but he is currently in the middle of what comes from checking up on a partner who has cheated on you, so his opinion is influenced by everyhing he is going through. I speak from your girlfriend's perspective- I have been on the receiving end of this kind of surveillance before and it made me feel worthless, unloved, angry, and vindictive- it drove us apart and did not make the remainder of the relationship any better.

But in the end you will do what you think is right. So best of luck on whatever you choose.

Well what i feel is right may or may not be right , or maybe it may be right for me as an individual, I dont know for positive!

I can just go by what my personal being seems to need, and that is hard evidence whether or not she is being honest and doing what she says.

Anyone can say any words and still be lying about things, word are words and now days mean very little, but actions show some one you love them or actions such as still emailing or texting, or not emailing or texting the person you cheated with proves alot more than any true or false words that could be said.

All i know is proof that she is doing what she says helps me get over and trust again.

Is that just me?

Just Seems to me everyone would need this very same thing.

[Tortuga]

You have been argumentative with almost every person who's replied to your post. What do you want? Someone to say, "YES! Checking email and texts is a GREAT IDEA!!!" That seems to be what you want to hear, so there ya go.

PS--My true opinion is that Harper has the best advice in this thread; pay attention to it.

[Ms. Islip]

It's not just you. If you look and there is nothing than you can sit back and say, 'good she is keeping her word'. In the beginning of rebuilding trust, it's ok to check and she should really be wide open and encourage you to look if you need to. The problem arises when checking does not help you build the trust, but becomes a form of control instead. It's a fine line. Her not wanting you to look would give me red flags also.

Personally, at this point in my life and relationship, I don't know how to trust anymore. I'm not checking up on him. I just no longer have an faith in the opposite sex in general and especially in my SO.(hate to lump yous all together, but damn, from my experience and everyone I've dated and what my friends boyfriends have done. It's just not pretty nor very uplifting for the male sex in my mind. Which sucks because I have always loved men, but lesbianism is looking better every year.)

Having your faith and trust get ripped to shreds in just a few words is the most painful thing that I've experienced. I have been through hell and back in my short twenty five years, but nothing has hurt or fucked me up more than what I have dealt with this past week.

I'm starting to think that true love and marriage and all those fairy tale notions are just that. Fairy tale notions from our childhood when the world was still a pure beautiful place.

I think maybe that we can just never truly trust anyone, except for them to break that trust and we just have to be happy with the positives of the relationship. Sad and bitter, yes I know, but that's kinda where I'm at-at the moment. I have never known of a person that did not break trust in a horrible manner. I just don't think that there are many truly good people left in the world. Our world and society(if you're in America,especially-where I reside) is just so self-centered and deprecating that a truly good and lovable person just no longer exists. Everyone thinks of their own wants and needs and not anyone else's, even their partner's.

~end of rant~

and apologies for rant.

[marriedwithchildren]

[QUOTE=water nymph;221775]Funny that should come from Regan. Look at how far verifying took him (Watergate).

Watergate! That was Pres. Nixon

Isn't it a shame how little people today know about history? You're completely right, it was pres. Nixon that was involved in the Watergate scandal. Regan is the one that eventually developed alzhimers disease. He was president when I was born so I don't remember much about his presidency. Anyhoo, my two cents worth on the OP:

It is an invasion of privacy to be checking e-mails and phone. A completely understandable one coming from someone who has been in your position. but an invasion none the less. Trust is something that will come with time and equal effort on the part of both parties. She can't make you trust her and you can't force yourself. You still won't trust her even if you don't find anything with your snooping because you'll realize that she could still be cheating anytime you are not with her. If you think this behavior is acceptable, eventually you will not let her out of your sight. She should be willing to tell you everything you ask for a specific amount of time if she wants to regain your trust. If you want to trust her again, you should find out what her reasons were for having the affair. When you are satisfied that the circumstances that led to the affair will not be repeated you can begin to build trust. If you cannot trust her no matter what you try then consider ending the relationship.

[Brad]

Easy to say dont check those things. But mabe he needs the reassurance after the violation of trust. What would be great is if she offered her phone and email to be open for him to check. Both parties would be laying things out in the open. Cheaters dont automatically deserve to be trusted. That is a PROCESS.

[gj4utoo]

Easy to say dont check those things. But mabe he needs the reassurance after the violation of trust. What would be great is if she offered her phone and email to be open for him to check. Both parties would be laying things out in the open. Cheaters dont automatically deserve to be trusted. That is a PROCESS.

Thats something i should have org told, that 3 months ago she agreed to let me see calls and texts, that was the agreement then at that time.

[Harper]

Sorry to hear things are going so rough atm, Ms Islip. Hope things pick up for you soon.

[britprincess79]

After reading this - i know its gonna take time for my bf to completely trust me again.....i just wish he would let me explain and tell him how i feel rather then just ignoring the issue. - i dont think he would trust me out on my own again!


Did you sit down with your girlfriend and let her explain?

[gj4utoo]

After reading this - i know its gonna take time for my bf to completely trust me again.....i just wish he would let me explain and tell him how i feel rather then just ignoring the issue. - i dont think he would trust me out on my own again!


Did you sit down with your girlfriend and let her explain?

You can explain to him but in the end he will view it as just an excuse , the thing is if your good to him and help and allowe him time, eventualy he could get past it, esp if your close and both love each other.

And yes i did let her explain why several times but when your lied to it dosnt do much good to expain to him/me because words are just words and actions are a billion times more,,, supportive or condeming.

If he is like me and can see phyisical proof that will be the best way!!! IMHO

[britprincess79]

Do you think you could trust your girlfriend again or are you always gonna be wondering where she is.......... who shes seeing??

my bf dont check my emails or texts and im pretty sure he would'nt - but then what i did did'nt start from email or texts it was really nothing!

[gj4utoo]

Do you think you could trust your girlfriend again or are you always gonna be wondering where she is.......... who shes seeing??

my bf dont check my emails or texts and im pretty sure he would'nt - but then what i did did'nt start from email or texts it was really nothing!

I think if she is willing that i could trust her again , there will be always a small thought back in my mind though, I do realize if i want this relationship to succeed at some point i need to get over it and the sooner the better, how long it takes is unknown, depends on me and her !

[water nymph]

Sorry for the Nixon-Regan slip and for going AWOL. I was in the middle of packing for Australia when I wrote that post and then I flew to Australia so I couldn't explain my slip up (general lack of concentration).

I am in agreeance with Tortuga. gj, you don't seem to like anyone's advice on this unless mirrors what you are already set on doing. So, I don't know what you want us to say. A lot of people have agreed with what you want to do but there are a handful of posters who disagree. After reading your justification I realize you were set on doing this because you feel like it is the right thing for you to do. But is it the right thing to do for the relationship? Sure it will make you feel better and may help you begin to trust your girlfriend but what about how it will effect your girlfriend? Is she going to be hurt by this? You may say that you were hurt by her cheating, and to an extent some hurt on her part is acceptable, but if you take it to the extent that she has lost the right to privacy you are stepping on very dangerous ground. That isn't just hurt, it is demeaning and exerting power in an unfair way.

But it's your choice, so knock yourself out reading her e-mails and texts and checking in on everything she does. Hope it works out better for you than it did for my ex.

[gj4utoo]

Sorry for the Nixon-Regan slip and for going AWOL. I was in the middle of packing for Australia when I wrote that post and then I flew to Australia so I couldn't explain my slip up (general lack of concentration).

I am in agreeance with Tortuga. gj, you don't seem to like anyone's advice on this unless mirrors what you are already set on doing. So, I don't know what you want us to say. A lot of people have agreed with what you want to do but there are a handful of posters who disagree. After reading your justification I realize you were set on doing this because you feel like it is the right thing for you to do. But is it the right thing to do for the relationship? Sure it will make you feel better and may help you begin to trust your girlfriend but what about how it will effect your girlfriend? Is she going to be hurt by this? You may say that you were hurt by her cheating, and to an extent some hurt on her part is acceptable, but if you take it to the extent that she has lost the right to privacy you are stepping on very dangerous ground. That isn't just hurt, it is demeaning and exerting power in an unfair way.

But it's your choice, so knock yourself out reading her e-mails and texts and checking in on everything she does. Hope it works out better for you than it did for my ex.

Did you cheat on your ex?

[moonangel]

Sorry for the Nixon-Regan slip and for going AWOL. I was in the middle of packing for Australia when I wrote that post and then I flew to Australia so I couldn't explain my slip up (general lack of concentration).

Oh, so it's OUR fault. lol

You're in Australia? Whereabouts?

Anyway - my two cents ... if a girl cheated on me, then lied about it (and lying is worse than the cheating, IMO), then cracked it at me for checking up on her -- yes I would throw her ass to the kerb. She doesn't have respect for you, otherwise she would've at least come clean about it.

I have been in many, many cheating situations and I know that very, very rarely can a relationship survive after someone's cheated. You can't gain back trust 100%; once it's gone, it's gone.

And, if you really are stuck on sticking this relationship out (and dude, I'm telling you, you have some tough times ahead. Honestly, you probably won't listen but my advice would be to end it now and save all the turmoil.), for you to trust her again, you have to leave the past behind you, start over. Checking her emails, going through her stuff, will only make her resent you, it will further the distrust, it will cause fights, it will just never end, and you'll never get out of this hole. Ugh, it reminds me of some very bad times in my life. I would be getting out of this, right now.

[water nymph]

Did you cheat on your ex?

In my opinion, no. In his, yes. And to go beyond that just opens a massively confusing and convuluted story that I feel no need to tell just to make my point.

moonangel, I'm in Melbourne until the end of July doing an internship and visting the boyfriend. :relations

[gj4utoo]

In my opinion, no. In his, yes. And to go beyond that just opens a massively confusing and convuluted story that I feel no need to tell just to make my point.

moonangel, I'm in Melbourne until the end of July doing an internship and visting the boyfriend. :relations

I figured!
Well with your attitude I wonder who is the happiest that he is an ex ?

[blade88]

If you're hurt by whatever actions others have done to you, don't take it out on people in similar (NOT identical) situations, and don't judge.

Is the point of this thread really to abuse those who have been in the cheating situation? If not, leave waternymph alone, and talk about YOUR problems. Don't shift your anger to others, don't lash out. If you really want to abuse the people on these forums, then you don't belong here. We're certainly better off without another troll.

[Harper]

If you're hurt by whatever actions others have done to you, don't take it out on people in similar (NOT identical) situations, and don't judge.

Is the point of this thread really to abuse those who have been in the cheating situation? If not, leave waternymph alone, and talk about YOUR problems. Don't shift your anger to others, don't lash out. If you really want to abuse the people on these forums, then you don't belong here. We're certainly better off without another troll.

Aye. Well said.

[Carnation]

I figured!
Well with your attitude I wonder who is the happiest that he is an ex ?

Wow, how old are you?

Don't attack others just because you don't like that we're saying what you don't want to hear. Either ignore the advice or walk away from the thread completely. Don't be a jerk.

[gj4utoo]

If you're hurt by whatever actions others have done to you, don't take it out on people in similar (NOT identical) situations, and don't judge.

Is the point of this thread really to abuse those who have been in the cheating situation? If not, leave waternymph alone, and talk about YOUR problems. Don't shift your anger to others, don't lash out. If you really want to abuse the people on these forums, then you don't belong here. We're certainly better off without another troll.

My apologies and also to waternymph.

I guess my hurt and anger carries over more than i realize , when i read her reply her attitude matched my SOs past attitude.

I have come to this decision ,,, to try to not dwell on it as much and to NOT pry into her stuff. She has been reading this thread as they are posted and shortly before she read these postings she revealed some things that reinforce how much she still cares and how much she is willing to help her and myself out. Hopefully she will offer to be more transparent about some things. Time will tell i guess whether we succeed as a couple.

Now is snooping all that bad? Im not sure one way or another !

Personally at this time, i feel a person that cheats gives up certain rights if they want to correct and maintain a relationship with the person she/he cheated on . Also i feel if that person dislikes that idea then they should bow out of that relationship because its certainly not worth any sacrifice to them.

To many people think about themselves only, way to much now days.

[moonangel]

Oh well, at least you apologized.

But you won't last here long if you keep making comments like that to other members who are just trying to help.

[mtinlove]

if youve been cheated on or found something that tears you apart but you want to give it a chance to work out you would say its okay to check up on emails and text messages...I have.... I also have come to the point where theres no more messages (work email, home email, etc). If he is secretly using another email trust me, i will find out. If you havent been in this situation, you wouldnt agree. so.... I agree :)

[gnahtov]

Good luck to you and your SO. It will take time and hard work on both your parts to rebuild trusts.

From my experience and I am sure the majority will agree, it will never be 100% again. Is 90% enough for you? It's easy to say yes right now because you love her. More importantly, is why she cheated?

Make sure you and her address why she cheated. If that is not resolved first, then rebuilding trusts is pointless cause temptation will reveal its ugly head again.

[zhuxi]

I guess I'm among the handful of people that say you shouldn't be reading her text messages and emails.

My reasoning is that... it shouldn't be the actual act of cheating that bothers you. It shouldn't be that she kissed another guy, or that the guy kissed her.. it should be that she didn't have enough respect / love for you, and so she fell into temptation.

It isn't the deed itself, it's the implications of her feelings that is the problem here. Do you really think that checking her text messages, her emails, whatever, will make her love you more? Maybe she wont be able to cheat because she'll know in her head that she'll get caught because you're checking all of her things, but that isn't correcting the problem, which is that she doesn't have enough love for you that she wont do those things.

In her head, she wants attention from you and she wants it from someone else too. You can't change what she wants by regulating her actions.

She has to do that on her own. Your choice is to believe her when she says she regrets hurting you, or you need to leave her because she doesn't love you enough and you deserve someone that DOES love you enough not to cheat on you.