When Temptation Drives You Nuts

[Jenibear]

Okay, I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years (in May)

There is a guy that I work with at my second job that I maybe see like 2 times a week. This guy just makes me MELT. I turn into a retarded idiot that just wants to die in front of him. His smile is so dazzling and I think about him sometimes.

I love my boyfriend. I truly utterly do. I find myself wanting to marry him. However, this guy is just, awesome. I know him a bit but not like super well. He just gave me his phone number tonight and I swear I acted like a school girl.


How the crap do you deal with this and NOT let it affect your current relationship?

I think it's just a girly little crush and I really need to get over it. Sometimes though I can't help but wonder what is on the other side of the fence ya know?

[Carnation]

Someone recently posted something called the 20/80 rule. Something like your Significant other has 80% of what you look for in a person, and the person you could have a crush on or be having an affair with has the 20% that your S/O doesn't. That's probably what is happening to you, or you could just be wondering if the grass is greener on the other side?

My advice would be to ditch the guy's number and concentrate on your relationship with your boyfriend you love so much.

[water nymph]

In my experiecne those little girly crushes always end up having something that eventually turns me off to them. Sure he's hot but even you said you don't know him very well, so there are a lot of things that could potentially turn you off. Try to remember why you are with your boyfriend and eventually all the giddiness you have around the guy from work will fade away to reveal why exactly you are with your boyfriend and not with this other guy.

Don't try to tell yourself how you should be feeling because that makes the feelings stronger. Just ride them out and they will probably go away.

[Harper]

A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself how you'd feel/react if your boyfriend just said the exact same thing about another girl. What would you tell him? I know doing this helps me to sort out my own bullshit sometimes. For real; re-read your post and imagine it was your boyfriend swooning over a girl he worked with. Might give you some insights.

[Jenibear]

It's his choice if he leaves me. I'd be sad and hung ovver it but really, I have no control over my boyfriend's emotions for someone else. I'm not a jealous person and neither is his. I've had this situation before and handled it and found out I can't stand the guy. I'm still gonna be friends with this person because that shouldn't stop me. The fact that nothing has happened that is threatening to my relationship whatsoever makes it a lot easier.

Thanks for the advice waternymph! I was thinking the same thing last night.. that it's a girly middle school crush.

[Brad]

When I read this my first thought was wow you sound very immature. Then I realized you are quite young so I guess this is normal at your age. Exact reason I never dated real young females.

[WanderingMan]

Brad - first off, STFU man. I have been speaking to Jenibear for over a week now. She has helped me through a VERY tough time. And despite your very premature assumption that she is immature, she is obviously a lot more insightful and caring then you are.

I mean seriously, where the hell do you get off coming to her thread and flaming? She is hoenstly asking for help and you play the "age game". You ever spoken to her? You ever asked her opinion about anything? so what is she's a youngen, she's more insightful then 90% of the people I know...young and old alike.

What I am tryign to get at is don't be such a dickhead. You don't know her or her situation. If you wanna flame, take a trip to San Francisco. That kinda $hit isn't welcome here.

[Brad]

Brad - first off, STFU man. I have been speaking to Jenibear for over a week now. She has helped me through a VERY tough time. And despite your very premature assumption that she is immature, she is obviously a lot more insightful and caring then you are.

I mean seriously, where the hell do you get off coming to her thread and flaming? She is hoenstly asking for help and you play the "age game". You ever spoken to her? You ever asked her opinion about anything? so what is she's a youngen, she's more insightful then 90% of the people I know...young and old alike.

What I am tryign to get at is don't be such a dickhead. You don't know her or her situation. If you wanna flame, take a trip to San Francisco. That kinda $hit isn't welcome here.

Quit acting like her daddy. She can take care of herself. It was my honest answer to her post. She has indeed given some mature responses in other posts.

Your poor wife gets raped and all you can think about is your DICK? Shake your head.

[WanderingMan]

"Your poor wife gets raped and all you can think about is your DICK? Shake your head."...VERY uncool man. Very. You came at her making assumptions as if she was some 15yr old idiot...not fair. I was defending her because she is my friend and to hear that about her, so wrongful...I didn't like it.

And now you say something like that??? Dude, I am honestly speechless. That was so unbelieveably uncalled for. I only wish you read into my posts a little deepr and you MIGHT understand what's going on with my "fiance". What you just said man, honestly...you very much just hurt me and made my time thart much more painful. Thanks a lot...hope you're happy!!!

[automorphism]

And now you say something like that??? Dude, I am honestly speechless. That was so unbelieveably uncalled for. I only wish you read into my posts a little deepr and you MIGHT understand what's going on with my "fiance". What you just said man, honestly...you very much just hurt me and made my time thart much more painful. Thanks a lot...hope you're happy!!!

Man, I'm sorry that happened, truly. I hope you feel better, and although people are usually supportive, sometimes you'll run into people who have absolutely nothing constructive to say.

Brad - grow up.

[odie777bc]

I wonder what it would be like if Brad and BathofGlitter met...I'm willing to bet I could film it and make some money off reality tv.

[WanderingMan]

Man, I'm sorry that happened, truly. I hope you feel better, and although people are usually supportive, sometimes you'll run into people who have absolutely nothing constructive to say.

Brad - grow up.


Here's the thing. My fiance and I are on a break. (if you want details, PM me please). We gotta figure out what's going on isnide, befroe we can address how we act with eachother. Make sense? And while I knwo not everyone is really supportive, and it's just the internet, shit like that hurts. here I am torn apart becasue I did what i know I had to do...and it still burns!!! And along comes Brad talking shit...just makes me feel 10x worse.

[Harper]

Well, when you tell someone to STFU you tend to co-create the hostile response you get. Having said that, Brad's comment was indeed way out of line. For the record, Wandering Man, I read your story and can totally sympathise with your position. Keep your chin up, mate, and try not to feel too poorly.

[Jenibear]

I love you Odie, your posts always make me laugh :)

Well Brad, I don't care what your opinion is because you never give any useful advice to these forums anyways.

I do hope that whatever scorn you feel from someone fades away.

A lot of adults experience the same thing that I am. It's called the 7 year itch. When you've been with someone for quite a long time you notice things.

I am just asking advice from people on how they deal with it. Do I want my relationship to end over an infatuation? NO; Did I state that anything has happened with this other guy? NO; And if I am so 'young' to you, why don't you remember those feelings when you were younger? I guess it's because you are just a loser. Who knows?

Besides that fact, if you are so happy with your wife, Brad, (which I sensed from other posts) why are you on the forums? Usually people come here because they have a problem or actually have USEFUL advice not just a pointless opinion or false encouragement.

Thanks for all the insightful advice from everyone who actually gave advice.

BTW.. you are wrong about WanderingMan and should actually read through a persons' ENTIRE posts before making judgements.

[Harper]

I guess it's because you are just a loser.

I was with you right up until you said that. Seriously, you were making such a good point about how useless negative judgments are that this was a little disappointing. Ah well.

[WanderingMan]

Harper - in defense of a friend being attacked or treated wrongfully, I would let this sorta thign slide...lol

[Harper]

Harper - in defense of a friend being attacked or treated wrongfully, I would let this sorta thign slide...lol

Fair enough, WanderingMan. I wouldn't, though. Certainly not on the Net, at least. I find that people need to go above and beyond here, otherwise a minor spat of name-calling can quickly become a flame-fest. But you're clearly passionate, so I can respect where you're coming from.

[water nymph]

Wow. How did this flare up so big and so fast? Thank you for handling it in a relatively calm manner, reprimands are being made.

[Jenibear]

I try...

[moonangel]

Jenibear, what you're going through is completely natural and happens to people all the time. I think you've done extremely well to keep it under control. This is where WILLPOWER comes into the picture. People who are weak, and have little willpower, are the ones who end up cheating in situations like this.
It sounds like you truly love your boyfriend so I doubt there is any risk of anything happening. And as has been said, it often turns out in schoolgirl crushes like this that the person was never who you thought they were. They are so wildly attractive because you haven't got to that stage where you actually look under the surface, and see their warts and unfavourable traits you never knew existed.

Though it's hard because you work with him, try and spend the least possible amount of time with him. I'm not sure it's a good idea to hang out with him, if that was the pretext behind you guys swapping numbers. He might end up getting the wrong idea and putting you in a tight situation.

And those people who believe that having a crush is "immature" are idiots. There's no rationale behind that at all.

[POA_sis]

My only question is why did you get his phone number? Is it work related? IF not I think that's feeding into the crush. One thing could lead to another....text messages, etc. Then you could possibly get yourself into a compromising situation. He might start sending you text messages, that if your boyfriend sees it, could potentially ruin what you have. Unless it is for work only, I would stay away from that guy outside of work as long as you have a crush on him. And I agree with the theory about imagining how you would feel if your man was doing the same thing to you. It's easy to say it wouldn't bother you because you aren't in that situation, but think about how HE would feel. If you truly love him you will not want to hurt him or even come close to it.

Just my thoughts.

[Kiwilad]

I've just been through somthing similar, where it was my GF getting the number of a guy, it was to do with work, however they started texting heaps and I became uncomfortable with it (the comments that he was making), and it basically destroyed our relationship because I wanst happy with it and she wasnt willing to do anything about it at all. I fully trusted her, however I didn't like his attitude towards our relationship and didn't think a "friend" would make the kind of comments he was making.

If you do love your BF then its not a hard choice to give up this guys number and refrain from having contact with this other guy.
What do you lose if you stop talking to him, a possible friendship, maybe, he might be a jerk?
what do you lose if your bf can't handle it? a 5 year relationship and the man you love.

It doesnt seem like a hard choice.

[Jenibear]

Well he gave it to me as a friend. He is aware that I have a boyfriend and yes part of the number thing is work related. (He's doing the march for the march of dimes and we are doing it as a company)

My boyfriend is NOT a jealous man. He knows I have more guy friends than anything.

As I said before despite anything, my boyfriend means the world to me and I will not do anything to compromise my relationship at all despite a little girly crush.

[Sydney123456]

I can relate...in a way. I've been dating the same guy for 6 years and every once in a while, there is this "thing" that flares up. Be it boredem or whatever, it's just...something.

There is a guy that I was physically attracted to and we started to have a friendship that is well maintained (go out for drinks, chat on the phone every once in awhile, go out for lunch). Straight up, good looking guy...EVERYTHING MY BOYFRIEND WAS NOT. It was fun and a little thrilling to get to know this guy, but god that waned pretty quick. I felt myself dancing dangerously close to not cool. What I mean by that is I stopped being in control of things (he would call me more often, invite me out more often, generally making me feel like he was trying to ignite something). I started to distance myself from him because I felt uncomfortable with that was happening. I feel for you- it can get boring in a long term relationship at times and this can seem kind of fun. But, make sure you understand your boundaries for a relationship. What constitutes "crossing the line" for you? That's what helped me determine what was okay with the relationship.

After I determined that, I stepped away and found some "not so attractive" features about that guy that I was considering before. I learn this guy was a playboy, a dirty hippie (PS: I don't like hippies!!), etc etc. It started to make my boyfriend alittle uncomfortable also.

Quick some up:
1) Have a little fun...it's natural to desire that
2) Know boundaries- that's how you deal with this
3) Don't cross this boundary!!!
4) If you need to, talk with your boyf about boundaries (if you have a relationship like that)

Good luck!

[Kiwilad]

Well he gave it to me as a friend. He is aware that I have a boyfriend

I've had this conversation many times before, with my mates, and 99% of the time a single guy doesnt care if she has a boyfriend. I'm a very nice guy, polite, caring, thoughful, moral, but i've gone out with girls who have boyfriends, and didnt care (in one instance I even knew the guy) my thinking was that it wasnt an issue for me if thats what she wants, its her decision.

Just because he knows you have a boyfriend wont change his perspective of the situation, if hes not making any inappropiate comments then its not such a big deal, just make sure you do whats easiest for you to deal with, and best for you and your BF

I believe you when you say you wouldnt do anything to comprmise the relationship, but just make sure that your b/f is happy with the situation, or rather if he has any problems with it (he doesnt need to know tha you have a crush on him), but if he does have doubts guys usually sit and brood over them for ages and imagine things that arent even there before we bring them up, and by then most of the damage is done.

[Ms. Islip]

Being with someone for life, you are bound to run into someone else once in a while who gives you the hot pants. That's all it is. It's a natural thing. You don't love the guy, you just have the hot pants for him. Many people can't control themselves or can not distinguish between real feelings and the hot pants. Once you realize that it is just the hot pants then it is very easy to deal with the situation. I have older friends in their forties and up, both male and female, who are married and have had the hot pants for someone else at their older ages. The hot pants knows no bounds. My ex-mother-in-law who is in her early seventies said that Bill Clinton makes her feel like a schoolgirl(she's REALLY into politics-owns every official in her city-she's loaded) and I personally thought that it was cute to have such feelings at such an age. Her husband passed away in 2001 so she's single now, but she's felt that way about bill since she attended some thing and met the guy.

There is nothing unnatural or wrong about it. Just remember the 80/20 rule( i loved that post-it was so right on) and that it's just the HOT PANTS. Nothing more, nothing less.

At least, now you know that you can withstand temptation and that says A LOT about how much you truly care for your man. I give you a pat on the back for being strong. The hot pants got me once and it wasn't what it's cracked up to be. Fantasy was SO much better than the reality. Learned my lesson the hard way.

[Jenibear]

LMFAO THE HOT PANTS!!

I love it!

Thanks all. I figured it was natural it's just a pain in the butt :)

[Jenibear]

we hung out tonight at the mall and dinner. TOTALLY found out something that completely a turn off. I would not date him just because of it. It's still a 'he's cute' thing but it really helped me realize I love my boyfriend. When I came home though, I was sad because my boyfriend did not even seem happy to see me *sigh*

At least we know what is on the other side. He and I are gonna stay friends though :)