Friend-zone -- exaggerated?

[Androk is God]

I need advice.

The standard advice given to men interested in a woman is to try and push something amorous as quickly as possible; don't hang out as friends, don't send emails back and forth for awhile -- 3 phone calls max and then a date, or else you will forever have a vagina in that woman's mind and be trapped in the friend zone.

Is this really true? I really don't like rushing into things like that. I vastly prefer to hang out a bit as friends and actually get to know someone before trying to date them, and from my experience, dating friends is the only method that's lead to relationships that didn't make me want to put a bullet in my head. But, for the majority of you females, does anything more than the bare minimum of time spent being platonic before rushing to get in your pants make a guy seem somehow effeminate and no longer romantically or sexually attractive like people seem to claim?

[chiukit]

i'm a guy so i can't tell you what and how women think. but i can tell you that the 3-phone-call advice is bullshit. there's no "minimum," there are no written rules regarding friendzones. every woman is different. hell, every man is different. i could spend a year with someone and not be in that friendzone, and yet a friend could spend two weeks with the same woman and be thrown into the friendzone right away. the difference lies in how you treat her, how you talk to her, how you look at her, which all lead to how she thinks of you, what she thinks of you.

there's a difference between being "stuck" as a friend and being a woman's friend for a long time. you could be friends with a woman for years upon years and never have entered that friendzone, and thus dating this woman would, as you say, result in a relationship that wouldn't make you "want to put a bullet in your head."

[helpme]

well i really liked this girl and we became so close friends that she doesnt want a relationship with me because of it. I personally think its stupid because a good friendship is the bedrock of a good relationship. I thought i could get out of this friendzone and almost a year later im still in it :S im telling you its almost impossible to get out of it so try as hard as you can to stay out tell her that you like her in the relationship sense soon so she knows what you want.

[chiukit]

it isn't impossible. trust me. three times i wanted a girl, three times i was stuck in this so-called "friendzone," and three times i got out of it. it actually isn't hard, if you can withdraw your emotions and think of the theory behind it. so step back for a moment, and think of what to do and how to get the girl.

it isn't how close you are with the girl that lands you in the friendzone, it is what kind of close relationship you have with the girl that screws you over. if you remain flirtatious with her throughout the year-long friendship, if you remain spontaneous with her, loose, playful, you will gain more reason for her not to place you in that friendzone.

it really isn't stupid. good friendship can be the bedrock of a good relationship, but a woman decides that you can only be her friend because she knows you're not her type, and that you will remain not her type, thus she decides not to pursue anything with you if she has told herself that a relationship with you has no future anyway.

but, like i said, nothing is impossible and this is no exception. step back and look at your situation, look at every detail and situation, and find a theory that fits so get you out of that friendzone. if i can do it, you should be able too.

[Rammstein39]

I agree with Chiu in that it really depends on how you act and how she feels about you. There is no method that will get you a win everytime. But for me I feel like someone is good for the friend zone when they either come on way to strong and Im not ready for it, or I do not feel attracted to the person. For example I had this guy who would just gush over me. He kissed my ass 24/7, including one time when we met up and instead of saying Hi he said "wow." That to me it very over the top. I did however enjoy some of the other conversations we had and so I told him we could only be friends. Theres no time limit to it, no way to judge it. Someone could completely fall for you the second time they see you, or you could hang out and have the greatest time all the time and still nothing.

[calicomorgan]

Actually i was friends with a guy for a whole year before we started dating...so i dont think its totally impossible to get out of the "friendzone"

[Peachie]

How should a girl get out of a GUY friendzone? :dead:

[Aero]

How should a girl get out of a GUY friendzone? :dead:The girl needs to become physically preferable to the particular guy.

[Androk is God]

it isn't how close you are with the girl that lands you in the friendzone, it is what kind of close relationship you have with the girl that screws you over. if you remain flirtatious with her throughout the year-long friendship, if you remain spontaneous with her, loose, playful, you will gain more reason for her not to place you in that friendzone.


Aye, that's about how I figured it to be, but I wanted to see if anyone else thought the same thing.
Because if I'm wanting to be friends with a girl, but at the same time holding her in consideration for something more, I will try to keep some signs and hints of that, which I figured, along with the girl being attracted or not, was kind of what decided the whole friendzone thing.


As for the guy friendzone; if I put a girl there, it means I'm not interested in her in a romantic or sexual way (or, in one or two cases, because I thought she was just out of my league). You could try a new look, a new sense of humor, a more intellectual manner of conversing, whatever happens to be important to the guy. If you're not capable of improving in that area though, I'd say move on.
This is, however, assuming you aren't just in the situation of your liking him and his liking you but neither of you have the courage to say something. In that case, say something, obviously enough.

[PhoenixDown]

It sounds like you need to develop more of a rapport with the girls your dating. You should be able to find out if shes the kind that will drive you nuts between the time you meet her and the end of the first date.

[Gezus]

How should a girl get out of a GUY friendzone? :dead:

Show him her tits. At least, that's all I can think of.

[chiukit]

that doesn't work either. all the girl is going to end up doing is maybe get him to sleep with her, and we all know that in this world and this era, sex does not always equate to love. =P

[Aero]

It's a nice hook, though.

[Gezus]

In the situations where the girl is in the friendzone, things are generally doomed since the guy will never notice anything. We're pretty dumb when it comes to these things. And even if he does notice, who's to say he'll feel the same way?

[Peachie]

Show him her tits. At least, that's all I can think of.
Somehow I don't think this would work seeing as one time I basically grabbed his hands and was like "They're just bags of flesh". :D
So it's not like I haven't tried...

It's funny because he *knows* how most guys in his situation would be, just his morals are too good - and seeing as I used to be uber-idealistic at one time too, I kind of am cheering him on in his resistance almost.

Anyway, we'll see. :rolleyes:

[Androk is God]

Well, if he's still hanging out with you after making some pretty strong advances like that, there might be hope.

[Peachie]

Yayz. :eusa_clap

[Androk is God]

lolz, yeah, i changed it because you posted at nearly the same time i did, and after that my post didn't make any sense, so i just decided to rewrite it.

[SoSweetAngel]

Hmmmm. When I think of my male friends (the ones that are throughly friend-zoned) I think that the reason they are in the friend zone is because I wouldn't want to date them anyway. It doesn't matter that we've become friends, it's more that it just wouldn't have ever been more than that. It's easier to say "I got stuck in the friend zone" than "she just isn't attracted to me" I guess.

Almost all of my serious boyfriends have been good friends before we got together. My current boyfriend was my best friend through 3 years of uni! One day he decided to tell me how he felt.... and I realised that I felt the same way even though I hadn't really thought about it that much before. So yeah, you can escape!

[emotionally_confused]

In the situations where the girl is in the friendzone, things are generally doomed since the guy will never notice anything. We're pretty dumb when it comes to these things. And even if he does notice, who's to say he'll feel the same way?

Do you not think it's possible for a guy's viewpoint of the girl to change? So, you're saying that once the girl is in the friendzone, there's no chance for her to get out of it? I sort of feel like I'm in that place now, but part of me thinks that neither one of us has the courage to say anything. His actions and some of the things he says make me think otherwise.

[chiukit]

Do you not think it's possible for a guy's viewpoint of the girl to change? So, you're saying that once the girl is in the friendzone, there's no chance for her to get out of it? I sort of feel like I'm in that place now, but part of me thinks that neither one of us has the courage to say anything. His actions and some of the things he says make me think otherwise.
it depends largely on the reason why you're in the friendzone. is it because you've become so close that he just never thinks about hooking up with you anymore? if so, there are ways to get out of that. primarily, you just start flirting and when you're out together, act couple-y. people will start wondering and asking questions. this is how you indirectly put those thoughts back into his head and let him think on it for a while. after that, what you do is up to you. if the reason you're in the friendzone is based on physical appearance, however, there is nothing you can change and nothing you can do to change his mind. if the differences lie in personality, if you would want to change, change for yourself and not to suit him, and if these changes are of interest to him then pursue the chances there.

[Gezus]

Do you not think it's possible for a guy's viewpoint of the girl to change? So, you're saying that once the girl is in the friendzone, there's no chance for her to get out of it? I sort of feel like I'm in that place now, but part of me thinks that neither one of us has the courage to say anything. His actions and some of the things he says make me think otherwise.

Everything's possible, just the chances are pretty slim. When it's a guy in a woman's friendzone, he can act in such a way that he can get out, however when a woman is in a guy's friendzone, actions alone won't change the outcome as easily.

[emotionally_confused]

it depends largely on the reason why you're in the friendzone. is it because you've become so close that he just never thinks about hooking up with you anymore? if so, there are ways to get out of that. primarily, you just start flirting and when you're out together, act couple-y. people will start wondering and asking questions. this is how you indirectly put those thoughts back into his head and let him think on it for a while. after that, what you do is up to you. if the reason you're in the friendzone is based on physical appearance, however, there is nothing you can change and nothing you can do to change his mind. if the differences lie in personality, if you would want to change, change for yourself and not to suit him, and if these changes are of interest to him then pursue the chances there.

When him and I started being friends, I was married at the time, I am now divorced. Me being married forced us into the Friendzone. His best friend told me I was his type from the get go and my guy friend did some pretty major flirting with me and I with him. People have made comments to us about being girlfriend/boyfriend - even people we don't know. We both agree that we are definitely Harry and Sally (from When Harry Met Sally) prior to them sleeping together. When we are out together we do get flirty and anytime we're at the bar grabbing some drinks, we gradually move closer and closer to one another throughout the night - it never fails.

[hands_on_fire]

I think (as do other people in this thread) that with guys it's very much down to physical attraction (this has also been corroborated by conversations between me and the person I'm having this issue with too).

If they aren't physically attracted to you at all, then that's the end of it. However, if you are in the 'grey' area then this is where all the trouble comes in.


Physical Attraction can morph, though. The guy I liked in high school, for instance, really only dated Asians and wasn't really attracted to me at all until we got to know each other. I have the opposite of the Asian look and demeanor (Geeky, jeans-wearing, artsy black girl, here) and not only did I not get friend-zoned, but he began to have mutual attraction. We never made anything of it, though.

Guys and girls can be equally bind in these situations, but sometimes I think people give dudes too little credit when it comes to reading into things. Some are really quite good at it, even if they decide to play a social role.

(sorry about the tangent) I've never believed in the friend zone, but I've rarely had romantic interest that didn't evolve from some sort of friendship. No ones asked me on a date out of the blue, perhaps thats just me. The "friend-zone" is more of a vague thing that embodies the feeling of being stuck in a lot of platonic relationships. It certainly not something with many truths, just speculations by the people stuck as they try to find better ways of finding compatible partners. Theres some good advice in avoiding friend zone, but theres also tons of generalizing that can throw a person off. Feelings don't really follow rules.