One Star <~-- finally REVISED!!!

[jungAH]

Okay... here's the new revised version:

If I could wish upon a star you'd be right here with me
By my side, where you belong, is right where you would be
But wishes are just wishes still and not reality
So far away is where you'll stay... so broken and lost are we

But I can't forget the memories, the lessons that you taught
The inspiration and the hopes, the perfection that we sought
The reveries and starry dreams will stay within my thoughts
As will all the silvery smoke of the world that we fought

And when all is last, it is the past that conceals me within scars
And when all is done, you're still the one who will remain afar
But still I will see the memories of what we were and are
So I'll take comfort here, as I shed a tear... and wish upon a star


and the original (just so you can see how much Firefly has helped me!)

If I could wish upon a star you'd be right here with me
By my side, where you belong, is right where you would be
But wishes are just wishes still and not reality
So far away is where you'll stay... so broken and lost are we

But I can't forget the memories, the lessons that you taught
The inspiration and the hopes, the perfection that we sought
The reveries and starry dreams will stay within my thoughts
The silver smoke of the world you made will never be forgot

And when all is last, it is the past what will burn me with the scars
And when all is done you're still the one who will remain afar
But still I will see the memories of what were and what we are
So I'll take comfort here, as I shed a tear... and wish upon a star

[ckgirl]

Wow, it's so....dreamy. I liked it, good work. :o :D :wink:

[heartbrokenbaby]

Very deep good job :D

[jungAH]

Haha, thx u two... it wasn't meant to be a deep poem, i was juss bored... :wink: But yah, he lives too far away for my good :-?

[chiukit]

Hehe, this has to be proof of why you're the admin of a writing message board. :)


It's very well-written. Maybe I should start writing again. I haven't picked up the pen lately. Meh.

[Ares]

Awsome job!.... it gets to ya right here *points to the heart*

[FireFly]

If I could wish upon a star you'd be right here with me
By my side, where you belong, is right where you would be
But wishes are just wishes still and not reality
So far away is where you'll stay... so broken and lost are we

I dunno what else I can say about these lines that no one else has said, it's very creative, inspirational and flows with unforced rhymes.

But I can't forget the memories, the lessons that you taught
The inspiration and the hopes, the perfection that we sought

'' '' again, very sweet.

The reveries and starry dreams will stay within my thoughts
The silver smoke of the world you made will never be forgot

It's good to see that you've made your poem make sense rather than forcing exact rhymes, so the plural in thoughts although not exactly rhyming makes a lot of sense.

However the next line to me really feels out of place in the poem, it rhymes and flows really well, however doesn't make as much sense as the rest of it. I think it could be reworded maybe, to kind of take one of the two directions you've set in the line. Either...

The silver smoke of the world you made

Perhapse expand more on a world being destroyed...

Or

...will never be fought

Concerntrate more on a battle for being together which isn't working or whatever you were directing this at. Only because those two things put together don't really express something inparticular and gives a bit of confusion in an almost perfect poem.

And when all is last, it is the past what will burn me with the scars

Scars don't burn... They're what has been left behind after being burnt, perhapse rethink this line a bit, just to give it more real sense, it flows... But seems like the rhyme is forced around a sentance.

And when all is done you're still the one who will remain afar
But still I will see the memories of what were and what we are

Maybe "what we were and are" instead, I dunno up to you, just think it sounds wrong :P (no offence)

So I'll take comfort here, as I shed a tear... and wish upon a star

Very nice ending to a very very good poem, don't take my comments the wrong way, it's your poem and your the star poet (so to speak:)) it is very well written and all up makes a sweet ckgirl: "it's so....dreamy" kind of feel to it.

:)

Good work, keep writing, this poem is another that would do well in the archives.

[jungAH]

Wow.. thanks everyone, especially Firefly... I appreciated all the comments and criticism (and don't worry, I didn't take TOO much offense... :D I'm juss playin). Maybe one day when I'm not too lazy I'll actually go back and revise it ^.^ Thanks again!

[Truth]

jungAH your poem was great. I think firefly took all the words out of my mouth. neways...your poem was deep, very emotional...I like that...