Ladys: what would you think about a guy who lives with

[cdude]

There's a negative stereotype about guys who live with their parents.

Ladys: what would you think about a guy who lives with his family (parents + brother). Assume the person was in his mid-twenties, well-employed/well paid, independent lifestyled, financially independent and by no means a leech.

Would you consider it a negative trait?

Would you consider this trait reason enough to not go out with him?

[Deidre]

Mid-twenties, well-employed, well-paid, fincancially independent... you're actually not giving enough information.

What does 'independent lifestyle' mean? Does it mean that he has a life outside of his parents', or does it mean that he does his own laundry, cooks his own food, cleans his own living quarters (thoroughly, not just a vacuum), and buys his own groceries, toilet paper, light bulbs and whatnot?

He'd have to be extremely independent in the latter sense, as well as have a very good reason, such as having been queueing for a place to live for quite some time (personally, my husband and I have been waiting in line for a dingy flat for 2 years and 4 months; we had to buy a house to get out of our parents' homes).

Otherwise, yes, I'd consider it a negative trait. If I was looking for a guy I wouldn't be looking for one with good finances -- I'd be looking for someone who wasn't afraid of change and who is independent, not only in words but in action; someone who takes care of himself, and someone who doesn't need to be told what to do. I'd be very very very wary of someone who'd prefer to live with his parents at that age: dependence, dependence, dependence, and an umbillical cord that never quite got cut. No thanks. It doesn't matter how much money he makes or how independent he is in his work-life, if he can't transfer it to his 'real' life.

[AllHailTheThief]

I sometimes camp out with my parents in between stations in life, as I'm doing right now.

I'm 23, far from financially successful, but then again I do my own shit and it's really just a place to live for a month or two.

Plus it's always good to reconnect with the "fam" after months of not seeing them.

Would you consider that a negative?

[Deidre]

I sometimes camp out with my parents in between stations in life, as I'm doing right now.

I'm 23, far from financially successful, but then again I do my own shit and it's really just a place to live for a month or two.

Plus it's always good to reconnect with the "fam" after months of not seeing them.

Would you consider that a negative?
That depends on how often and what 'stations in life' means. Come back home after living in student-specific housing during undergrad and moving everything 'for real', or coming home for the summer between undergrad and postgrad, are one thing. That's not necessarily negative, although it's not something necessarily positive either.

However, I know plenty of people who bounce back and forth between taking some responsibility and going back to live with their parents. E.g. a girl left her parents to live with her boyfriend at his parents' place. That got too much, she moved back home again. Then they got a flat, but she tired of studying and decided to drop out, which lost them their funding and they couldn't afford their expensive flat, and instead of being adults about it they both moved home to their respective parents, where they lived for another two years, before deciding to get a flat together again, and then she decided she wanted to be with some other guy, and moved back home again so she could date that guy and have fun and not have to take responsibility for her own life while doing so...

[AllHailTheThief]

I definitely see what you're saying, and to be honest I'm a straight up bum sometimes, shirking my responsibilities within the adult world all the time in order to take a nice hiatus with mom and pop.

However I move around all the time and don't really live what most would consider a very conventional lifestyle, i.e. I'm immature ;)

Although in my defense the only time I've lived with my mom and dad for more than 8 weeks at a time after turning 18 was when my dad got laid off and I moved in and helped them pay their rent for a year or so.

Hell, even I would find it a turn off if a girl I was interested in was living with her parents after college. Full time that is.

[AlphaMale]

There's a negative stereotype about guys who live with their parents.
dude if you got a decent car and enough ca$h to wine and dine her and you got mojo it don't matter where you live. Just find girls that have their own crib and you'll be all set.

[preedee]

The last two guys I was seeing both lived with their parents - but they were both actively interested in moving out, and had plans to do so within the year.

It's a minor negative for me, because I'm independant and don't plan to ever move back home since being at uni, but it doesn't put me off them entirely, no. Just as long as I know they're making arrangements to find somewhere of their own, I don't mind.

[dtbmnec]

If your'e going to school and living at home then no I don't care....chances are its the cheapest solution (and something I should have thought about myself...oh well)....

If you're out in the "real world" and working and still living iwth the rents and really just leeching off them (think that stupid movie with the guy living at home until he's 30) then ya that's a negative...if you've just graduated adn you have a job but dont' quite have first/last to grab a place of your own then no I don't care again :)

Make sense?

Megan

[Rammstein39]

I have seen both sides of this with the two guys I have dated. One lives at home, is still a student, and has not made much of a stab at real life yet. Meanwhile, the other guy, only one year older that the first guy, lived with his dad after his parents split but was responsible for his own bills and part of the rent and whatnot. Now his dad moved out and he has to do most of it himself (he just got a roomate though).

I would need to assess the situation carefully. Some things are excusable, while things like just not feeling like finding a place are not excusble. I personally think by mid-twenties, you should have some sort of "real-life" established. So yeah i see it as a negative.

[AlphaMale]

I personally think by mid-twenties, you should have some sort of "real-life" established. So yeah i see it as a negative.
well R39 few people have any semblance of a "real life" established by the time they are 25. Maybe by 35 most do, but not 10 yrs earlier.

[Deidre]

well R39 few people have any semblance of a "real life" established by the time they are 25. Maybe by 35 most do, but not 10 yrs earlier.
<--- 22, married, homeowner, writing a MA dissertation this semester, working summers in her field and doing freelancing translation work, many volunteer-responsibilities, aside from working a very active dog and training him for practical hunting and competative dog sports and making time for hobbies (hiking, photography, home improvement...)

Exactly what is a "real life" to you if it's established by 35 but not 25? Being able to afford a new car and having been in a job long enough to have advanced in your career and feel safe and stable?

dude if you got a decent car and enough ca$h to wine and dine her and you got mojo it don't matter where you live. Just find girls that have their own crib and you'll be all set.
You're working under the assumption that a woman doesn't want a man who lives at home because she doesn't want the awkwardness of being in his parents' home, or that it'll never get serious enough for 'the truth' to get out. That's all fine and well if you want shallow 'relationships' and one-to-a-few night stands. Your advice may go down well and lead to reasonable success with those types.

Myself, I care about the living situation because I am not interested in a man who is dependent (and as I said earlier, career independence does not equal life independence), unambitious, or simply cannot handle life responsibility. Those are some dealbreaking immense turn-offs. I moved out of the house and out of the country on my own at 19, and I refuse to be with someone whom I will have to mother or will look down upon (on the other hand, car, I don't care because I don't even like cars... "wining and dining", I don't care, because I don't even like going out).

[preedee]

well R39 few people have any semblance of a "real life" established by the time they are 25. Maybe by 35 most do, but not 10 yrs earlier.

Three of my friends are 21, and have their own places. One is married, with a three week old baby, and her own beauty therapy business where she works from home. The second has an 18-month old, a live-in boyfriend and a steady retail job. The third doesn't have any children, but lives with her boyfriend, works full-time at a nursery. All three pay their own way.

I'm 21, a full-time student living in a rented flat (not university owned, before you ask) in Edinburgh with three other students. My parents are paying my rent until May this year when I finish uni, and I will then be completely financially independant. However, I pay all my bills myself, do all my shopping myself, have a part-time job and several small freelance theatre crewing jobs through the year.

So none of those are real life at all?

[Rammstein39]

I will reply to that with reference to my ex once again...he's 21, with a full time job that pays handsomely with full benefits, has an apartment that he shares with a friend and just bought a newer truck on his own. That to me is some real-life stuff. Making decisions on your own, paying for stuff on your own and working a steady job. I know many people who are in their mid twenties and have themselves pretty well set up and have been away from their parents for quite some time. If at 35 your're just getting your shit together, then it would make me wonder what the hell you have been doing this whole time.

[JHXMT]

I think mid to late twenties is when it starts to appear a little...odd. I think that's around the time I'd start to be a little wary if I was seeing somebody who still lived at home.

Just on instinct, it feels as though maybe guys have a little more leeway on this - or perhaps it's just more common. I can think of a few examples (yes, mainly in the media, I'll confess) of 30-something guys living with their parents (basement room, anyone?), but not many of 30-something women living with their parents!

Having said that, I'm saying this from the perspective of a 23-year old guy living at home and desperately trying to get out of it, at the moment, so my view may be skewed. ;)

[cdude]

Well, it appears that "living with your parents" have many negative conotations. It seems that if you live with your parents then people assume you don't have your life together but in my case, nothing could be further from the truth.

I'm very much - "ahead" in my career and other factors of my life:
-(already holding a position with 6 years of professional experience)
-completed my bachelors, and masters degree
- independent lifestyle (means taking care of my own finances, laundry, household stuff)
- developed my own retirement plan (401k, savings, etc)
- my own social life (clubs, friends, hangouts, etc)

The thing is, I don't have much reason to move out. I get along great with my family; they're really nice people. It's close to my work. And I happen to be a family oriented person. The thing is, they have an extra room anyways, so why not use it. It doesn't make much sense for me to go rent a room somewhere else if my family wants me to use their room. I come from a different culture, so it may be hard for others to understand: my family enjoys my company and i enjoy their company. I just don't want to risk summary judgement from other girls who may not know about my independence.

For me, there's no disadvantages to living at home.
I wouldn't mind moving out, if i had a reason too.

Would it make any difference if I lived somewhere else but went over my family's house for (bringing food/cooking sometimes) dinner? Lets say 1/week or what about 7/week?
make a difference?

[dtbmnec]

Well, it appears that "living with your parents" have many negative conotations. It seems that if you live with your parents then people assume you don't have your life together but in my case, nothing could be further from the truth.

I'm very much - "ahead" in my career and other factors of my life:
-(already holding a position with 6 years of professional experience)
-completed my bachelors, and masters degree
- independent lifestyle (means taking care of my own finances, laundry, household stuff)
- developed my own retirement plan (401k, savings, etc)
- my own social life (clubs, friends, hangouts, etc)

The thing is, I don't have much reason to move out. I get along great with my family; they're really nice people. It's close to my work. And I happen to be a family oriented person. The thing is, they have an extra room anyways, so why not use it. It doesn't make much sense for me to go rent a room somewhere else if my family wants me to use their room. I come from a different culture, so it may be hard for others to understand: my family enjoys my company and i enjoy their company. I just don't want to risk summary judgement from other girls who may not know about my independence.

For me, there's no disadvantages to living at home.
I wouldn't mind moving out, if i had a reason too.

Would it make any difference if I lived somewhere else but went over my family's house for (bringing food/cooking sometimes) dinner? Lets say 1/week or what about 7/week?
make a difference?

I don't see anything wrong with your situation. Then again I'm pretty laid back when it comes to most stuff anyway :).

If someone you're interested in sees it as wierd or something perhaps you could just say that its part of your heritage/culture and that its really rather "normal" for you to be living at home kind of thing. If she's really that into you then she won't mind.

Just make sure to move into your own place when the whole marriage thing goes through :p. (I couldn't ever live with in-laws....well not without a damn good reason anyway...ie. Loook the tornado just destroyed my house and everything in it! or something like that)

If you did move out (for whatever reason, marriage or "testing the waters" or otherwise) there shouldn't be a problem visiting the 'rents for dinner 1 a week. All week long might be a bit much since, as anyone's SO, I would want one or two romantic dinners alone ;).

Megan

[JHXMT]

As you hinted at, there's also a major cultural factor. I'm informed there are many cultures where it is accepted (even expected) that families live together for much longer than, say, in the US or the UK.

Can't think of them off the top of my head, though. It's been a long day.

[Rammstein39]

Well then i think in that case, if you are on date with a girl you could very well explain that and I dont think she would mind. If you just say "I live at home" it might be weird but if you tell her what you told us then I think it owuld be one of those cases where it would seem ok.

My brother lives somewhere else and comes home quite often for food/to talk to my dad about cars/to see our pet bird. Thats not weird at all. If you felt like doing that then you could balance independent life and family just fine, but it sounds like you are quite comfy in your situation.

[mini696]

I would consider him a mummy's boy who cant let go.

[AllHailTheThief]

Jeez, have ALL you kids been to college?

[preedee]

Jeez, have ALL you kids been to college?

Yup. And my brother too, who is 19. However, I went to a grammar school - it was kind of expected that we all go on to uni after we were done there. Funnily enough, more and more boys I meet lately are in full time employment, rather than going to university. I don't know what that says, other than possibly more girls than guys are starting out with huge debts behind them.

[AllHailTheThief]

Don't get me wrong, it's an excellent thing to do, I just didn't realize I was in such a vast minority. Perhaps it's just the group of people I'm talking to here.

I should have gone to college (outside of the bits and pieces of community college I've done), I spent 10 years at prep school, and nearly aced the SATs, but at the time I was simply not in the right mindset to be spending thousands of dollars doing nothing but fucking up, so in hindsight it was actually a good thing I didn't go.

I have said though, that I will be enrolled in a major university by the age of 25. Luckily I think that's the age where they just say "oh fuck it, come on in" so I don't have to write a lame essay. At that age, chances are you're probably pretty serious about your effort.

We shall see!

Sorry to be off topic.

[AlphaMale]

<--- 22, married, homeowner, writing a MA dissertation this semester, working summers in her field and doing freelancing translation work, many volunteer-responsibilities, aside from working a very active dog and training him for practical hunting and competative dog sports and making time for hobbies (hiking, photography, home improvement...).
that could change at any time....you have quite limited life experience. In addtion the divorce rate for people who marry young is around 85%. So in a few years you may be starting over romance-wise.

[Deidre]

that could change at any time....you have quite limited life experience. In addtion the divorce rate for people who marry young is around 85%. So in a few years you may be starting over romance-wise.
That could change at any time at 35. In fact, statistically, it's more likely to get divorced in your 30's than in your 20's. You also still did not answer my question, oh old and wise one. Since we were talking about single people having a 'real life', the oh-so-imminent divorce is not even a legit complaint!

As for divorce rates, the US has almost twice the divorce rate of Sweden. In 2004, the US was at 4.0%, and Sweden was at 2.3%, and in the past year our rates have gone down further. As for young marriages, we don't make such statistics nationally, but I can tell you this -- the average age for getting divorced is 44.62 years for a man and 41.27 years for a woman. With all the failed young marriages, that must be a whole lot of old people divorcing. I can also tell you that statistically, childfree marriages last longer. Lastly, getting married at 22 does not usually fall in the frame of the statistics of "young marriage", especially none of the US statistics I have read. "Young marriage" almost invariably refers to teen marriage, so your oversized statistic is probably not appropriate, even for the US, unless you found it from a source that specified marriage amongst twenty-somethings.

[AllHailTheThief]

How old could you even be AM