Just need to talk about this somewhere

[Rysuko]

I was in a pretty commited relationship with a girl for most of 2 years. We'd had ups and downs like most do during that time, broke up for short periods of time a few times. She'd never left me but one day she said she thought she had feelings for someone else, and didn't want to be together anymore. It turns out she didn't, as far as I know. I was extremely devastated and desperate and acted entirely as such, which I'm not proud of but.. *Shrug* I guess it happens. But after a while of giving her no space about it hardly, she decided to be with me again. Apparently after a month or two of being together again, she was even more sure it was over and she left me for good, because it ended up the same crappy way.

So, for about a month and a half I've not left her alone for more than a day or two. At least talking to her a little. Originally I had ended up telling her I would kill myself if she left me.. because that's exactly how I felt. I felt like my life was over if she really left me. After enough time of bugging her, talking to her and 'trying' to establish contact of some kind and it failing mostly. Realizing that she was only tolerating me, like a civil person, rather than really feeling good about talking to me. I just stopped. I haven't initiated direct contact for around a week now. But about 4 days ago I was around her in a place that she was and we exchanged a few casual words, but that was it.

Anyways.. Recently I've realized a lot of the problems we were going through was the result of my controlling personality. I've even been emotionally abusive.. which before, I didn't recognize. I didn't think it had anything to do with me and that it was just the way things were.. bad timing of other things. If I put any blame on a person it was probably her. Again.. I didn't see it that way before, I thought the way I was acting was right.. which now seems really stupid. But anyways.. I just feel really horrible. There were things she didn't share with me, or tell me and I think she learned to keep her true feelings, judgements, critisicisms to herself and just sort of.. give in to me. I feel really horrible about it..

Now it's been almost two months and I've been trying to maintain no contact for my own healing purposes.. and this has been a major driving force to me finding my own way to self-improvement and bringing all issues back to 'me', myself. I've done more to change my low self-esteem and to change my controlling personality traits. That's good.. and she has been going out with a new guy, which makes me feel bad of course.. just.. Usual jealous.. Why am I not good enough? Is he better than me? Does she even remember me, or think of me? Type of stuff.. I wonder if I never contact her if she'll ever contact me. Because all she remembers is all these bad experiences, bad feelings with me.. She seems to of entirely moved on.

I really want to apologize or.. make up for the way I've acted. I don't want her to move on with her life and leave me behind. Even though she has.. I just don't want her to remember me as this bad figure. What can I do about that? I don't think I'm entirely over her.. Though I'm a lot further along than I have been for a while. I can eat now, and don't have as much fear or anxiety. It still bothers me though.. But I've actually been living my life. My own life. And it hasn't been long enough to make great changes in my personality and self-esteem. Though I've taken the first big step.

I'm kinda wondering what you think about all this. Should I ever break my no contact behavior? She reads my blurty and livejournal occassionally.. Should I write anything there about my intentions of change or.. my realizations? I just don't feel like this is the best way to leave it, because I feel really guilty and bad for all the crap I put her through. I wish I could atone or.. something. But she's with someone else and she not only doesn't have interest in me anymore, but has someone else to give all her attention, focus and feeling to. So.. do I just continue healing and improving the best way I can? Making changes.. and keeping it to myself. If she ever wants to give me a chance to be a better person in her feelings or mind, even as a friend, it would have to be a decent ways in the future, right?

I'm just afraid she never will.. So.. comments?

[Kuky]

It's a good thing that you've taken the big first steps. What you'll find is, as your confidence grows, you'll be content with closing that chapter of your life, and just taking away the good memories and the lessons learned.

[poltergeist]

I did the same crap when my EX broke up with me. I was saying really dumb stuff and being really childish about how I felt after we broke up. Somehow she was always able to forgive me a week later. at first I would have a bad night and call her and whine and say how much I missed her and junk like that and then the next day I would realise how stupid that must have sounded to her, so I would give her some space for a couple days and then apologize for the way I acted and sometimes add in a white lie about being drunk. Eventually I got to the point where I didnt feel like that anymore and I didnt need to talk to her when I was feeling lonely I stopped calling her for about 2 weeks and eventually she started contacting me for help. I turned it around on her somehow.

My advice to you is Say, "Hey How are things going? I just wanted to say hi and that im sorry for the way I acted before but thanks for being so understanding about it. I hope we can be friends again. Cya Around"
This way you apologize for your actions in a non whinny way and you end the conversation before it even starts so you cant really get into any more trouble. Just let her do the talking and give it some time.

[Rysuko]

I did the same crap when my EX broke up with me. I was saying really dumb stuff and being really childish about how I felt after we broke up. Somehow she was always able to forgive me a week later. at first I would have a bad night and call her and whine and say how much I missed her and junk like that and then the next day I would realise how stupid that must have sounded to her, so I would give her some space for a couple days and then apologize for the way I acted and sometimes add in a white lie about being drunk. Eventually I got to the point where I didnt feel like that anymore and I didnt need to talk to her when I was feeling lonely I stopped calling her for about 2 weeks and eventually she started contacting me for help. I turned it around on her somehow.

My advice to you is Say, "Hey How are things going? I just wanted to say hi and that im sorry for the way I acted before but thanks for being so understanding about it. I hope we can be friends again. Cya Around"
This way you apologize for your actions in a non whinny way and you end the conversation before it even starts so you cant really get into any more trouble. Just let her do the talking and give it some time.

Inspired by your post, I IM'd her and this was our short interaction.

Me: Hello
Her: hi
Me: How've you been?
Her: good
Me: Good

Me: (about 10 minutes later) Well, sorry for having bugged you so long about everything. I understand now how I've have a controlling personality and the situation it led to was emotionally abusive to you, and I'd like to apologize for that. So, sorry. Talk to you some other time.
Her: It's ok.


I decided not to say anything else. I kind of wanted to, but I guess that's the best way to leave it be. What do you think?

[poltergeist]

That was exactly how it was supposed to go. Good job, you kinda left out the friends thing but thats cool. It sounds like your kinda friends anyway if she still cares about you enough to respond.

Now dont contact her for atleast a week or more. Either she will contact you or you contact her and just start up a friendly conversation about how things are going with her and her new guy. Act like your life is prefect and going well without her. If she gives any signs that maybe her new boyfriend isnt that great like if she says "Things are ok I guess" or if she tells you something she doesnt like about him say "Well Ill always be here for you if you need to talk"

If she says things are going great with the new guy switch to plan B. Plan B would be to date a new girl and make sure you EX knows that you are with someone new. Jealousy is very powerfull. Something like that could make her actively pursue a new friendship with you just so she knows whats going on in your life. One thing I know you must do if you ever want to get back together with her is to make sure you become good friends again.

[JHXMT]

It's good that you apologised. Hopefully now you'll be able to, as Kuky said, close that chapter of your life and just use it as a learning experience.

Don't do the whole jealousy plot thing. It's not a winning long-term strategy, for anybody involved. Fortunately, I don't think that's your intention (at least, I hope it's not).

Also, congratulations on the whole self-improvement lifestyle. When reading your post I was actually very impressed by the admissions you were making. The very fact that you're able to notice these undesirable qualities in yourself is a fantastic move towards eliminating them entirely. Keep at it.

[Rysuko]

It's good that you apologised. Hopefully now you'll be able to, as Kuky said, close that chapter of your life and just use it as a learning experience.

Don't do the whole jealousy plot thing. It's not a winning long-term strategy, for anybody involved. Fortunately, I don't think that's your intention (at least, I hope it's not).

Also, congratulations on the whole self-improvement lifestyle. When reading your post I was actually very impressed by the admissions you were making. The very fact that you're able to notice these undesirable qualities in yourself is a fantastic move towards eliminating them entirely. Keep at it.


Thank you. I think I've carried these kinds of bad traits for a long time now, not once in my life have I really felt good about myself. So, it's good I'm realizing these things 'now' but I wish it wouldn't of caused me to lose her.. heh.. I never meant to become that way. Been doing a lot of focus on myself and my life and my behaviors, changing them into more positive fulfilling ones, rather than self-destructive negative ones. It's sad that without this experience I could of gotten a lot worse and never truly realized the way I was acting and the effects it was having. So it's both the worst but best thing to happen to me in a long time, it just kinda really.. occured to me, over time. The longer she didn't care, kept ignoring me, the more I thought about how she could really feel that way.

Anyways.. I'll probly give it some more time, if not for her, for myself. Before talking to her again. It's weird, because even though I'm happy and living my own life, I still think about her and I still love her. I had a dream with her in it last night and she was distant from me like she was now, sort of in a friend position, but I was caring and loving towards her and she showed slight avoidance. Then at the end maybe a little more accepting. It was just a dream though.

If anything happens with another girl, it'll just be natural. It's awkward because I still have feelings for Jen.. I feel like I really love her and I get used to being without her and her being happy elsewhere, but I still have a lot of love in me for her. Just thinking about her makes me happy. So, I dunno if it would be a good idea to try being with anyone else right now. Only if I felt really comfortable about it and was totally sure.

I really would like to be the special person that makes her happy, to be with her again. I dunno if it's been long enough for me to truly change though, cause me being and feeling different will take time. If we were together again like, right now, it might just turn out the same, just cause there hasn't been enough time. I know it's likely that she'll be happy with him, or she'll just move on and never think of me much anymore, but I can't help but really hope sometime in the future she could be happy with me.

I'm not planning on doing things as if trying to play a game, but just sticking to the reality of things. It wouldn't be fair to someone else to be with em for the purpose of jealousy. Unless they volunteered for it or something, but it still wouldn't feel right, lol. I guess we'll just see how it turns out.

Thanks for the replies.

[drew68]

you know what sickens me...

girls like this...and there are many. let me explain.

i think moreso the guys do the chasing and the girls LOVe to lead the guy or guys on. it sounds like from my experience, that girls tend to 'get over' things quickly and move on. it's like wham! they've found someone else already and you know that's total bullshit. as if that's going to last...yea maybe 6 months or a year but really...it's temporary..especially if your 'young'.

they expect you to sit there and sulk...i went thru the same death defying experience when i was with my 'wife' at the time for 7 years with a son and we broke up.

guess what...yup...she hooked up with someone right away. dude, 7 years and you can move that quick? 3 months later of dating, they got engaged and eventually married. to each there own but i think woman can't live life without men. they need that security so to speak and can't live alone...i mean, neither can men but i seriously believe woman can drop something or turn off the switch just like that and move on. they are known as the ones who carry the emotions in a relationship, the romance etc...but imo...that's bullshit and not true. they long for that but when its the real deal, they can't handle it.

i'm not going to give you any advise cuz i just ended mine and even though i love her if she messages me which i know she will...i'm gonna talk to her and speel my heart...cuz that's WHO I AM. i don't keep any shit inside..if i'm hurting over someone i dearly loved than i'm gonna say something. when i speak to her...i am VERY conscious with the tone of voice i have and the attitude so that she's not flying off the handle so i know after i hang up or end the conversation...none of it was on me but her.

when i went thru my divorce, i had nowhere to go. we moved because of her and it was 6 hours away from my family and dearest friends. i couldn't leave because my son was there. so i slept in my car in a parking lot 4 stories high. all alone, i cried every nite. scared out of my witz what was going to happen in my life. i was living it...not reading about it or watching it in some movie. it was scary but i cried every night for one month. i lived in a small town in san luis obispo and it was during thanksgiving and christmas. at that time...that town is deserted and noones there...and i've never felt so lonely and so hurt in my entire life. i really wanted to just die.

but i heard on the radio some encouraging things...i'm not talking about conversion but i am a christian and believed that somehow someway...if i can hold myself together God would take care of me. He has and i'm here now...almost 7 years later going through another breakup.

i wanna be with 50 more woman and just sleep with them and not deal with there drama ever again. LOL ok there i said it...i don't care...

but really...a larger part of my heart wants to find someone who i can share lifes good times and bad times but at the end of the day realize, our love is true and will last forever. i believe there's alot of woman out there who can share that with me. right now it just seems like there somewhere in africa in some desert.

but anyways...good luck

[Rysuko]

you know what sickens me...

girls like this...and there are many. let me explain.

i think moreso the guys do the chasing and the girls LOVe to lead the guy or guys on. it sounds like from my experience, that girls tend to 'get over' things quickly and move on. it's like wham! they've found someone else already and you know that's total bullshit. as if that's going to last...yea maybe 6 months or a year but really...it's temporary..especially if your 'young'.

they expect you to sit there and sulk...i went thru the same death defying experience when i was with my 'wife' at the time for 7 years with a son and we broke up.

guess what...yup...she hooked up with someone right away. dude, 7 years and you can move that quick? 3 months later of dating, they got engaged and eventually married. to each there own but i think woman can't live life without men. they need that security so to speak and can't live alone...i mean, neither can men but i seriously believe woman can drop something or turn off the switch just like that and move on. they are known as the ones who carry the emotions in a relationship, the romance etc...but imo...that's bullshit and not true. they long for that but when its the real deal, they can't handle it.

i'm not going to give you any advise cuz i just ended mine and even though i love her if she messages me which i know she will...i'm gonna talk to her and speel my heart...cuz that's WHO I AM. i don't keep any shit inside..if i'm hurting over someone i dearly loved than i'm gonna say something. when i speak to her...i am VERY conscious with the tone of voice i have and the attitude so that she's not flying off the handle so i know after i hang up or end the conversation...none of it was on me but her.

when i went thru my divorce, i had nowhere to go. we moved because of her and it was 6 hours away from my family and dearest friends. i couldn't leave because my son was there. so i slept in my car in a parking lot 4 stories high. all alone, i cried every nite. scared out of my witz what was going to happen in my life. i was living it...not reading about it or watching it in some movie. it was scary but i cried every night for one month. i lived in a small town in san luis obispo and it was during thanksgiving and christmas. at that time...that town is deserted and noones there...and i've never felt so lonely and so hurt in my entire life. i really wanted to just die.

but i heard on the radio some encouraging things...i'm not talking about conversion but i am a christian and believed that somehow someway...if i can hold myself together God would take care of me. He has and i'm here now...almost 7 years later going through another breakup.

i wanna be with 50 more woman and just sleep with them and not deal with there drama ever again. LOL ok there i said it...i don't care...

but really...a larger part of my heart wants to find someone who i can share lifes good times and bad times but at the end of the day realize, our love is true and will last forever. i believe there's alot of woman out there who can share that with me. right now it just seems like there somewhere in africa in some desert.

but anyways...good luck


Lmao! Thanks.

I can't say I've been where you are because I haven't, but I can see where you're comin from. There's a part of me that would also like to just go all shallow and have sex and not have to deal with all the other stuff, but in the end, it seems like the lifelong emotional AND physical intimacy with a single partner is what we want.

It does baffle me.. I don't understand how she gets over it all in just a few weeks. I mean, I'm here every night thinking about her, it makes it hard to sleep, hard to focus on life. You know? That was my longest most intimate relationship, and it was her first and longest as well. Most young relationships don't go so far, or last so long. Yet she's over me in a few weeks. You know, the same day she left me, she told another guy, that was her 'friend' that she thought she 'liked' him. The SAME frikkin day. Insane? That pisses me off.. ugh

But I think back at how I acted as well and I was an asshat. So, oh well. Less than a few months later she's going out with someone else. So he's Mr. Perfect now? It doesn't seem like she put a lot of thought into that, or put a lot of time into it. Then again, when you're young, you tend to go from person to person and then learn what you really want. I'm hoping that's all she's doing and that maybe she'll come back.. Cause.. I still think she's a wonderful deserving person and I'd like to be with her still. I could meet someone else eventually, but I still would like to be with her.

http://rysuko.livejournal.com/

Got a livejournal there, some friends only entries though.

[drew68]

rysuko...some upsides are...

your somewhat beyond your years because of the experiences your going through. relationships at a young age...under 25 for guys imo...are hard learned lessons.

you happen to fall into that category but you've got a great head on your shoulders and that's something you need to stand with a straight back and be proud of. people learn and grow through hurt and you're experiencing that right now and that's something i'm experiencing as well. im 37 and learning it and i can honestly say when i was your age...i didn't.

don't fool yourself. like i said in a previous thread, girls do move on quicker than guys but that doesn't mean there "well". it's a security there looking for...an appreciation there looking for and girls way moreso than guys will get tired of ONE thing quicker than men. if they don't like something about men i do believe woman fantasize about the perfect man...whereas guys don't.

she's hurting too...she's just expressing it differently from you and the advantadge point here goes to you...because of this reason and this reason only.

she's covering it up by seeing or hanging out with some other guy whereas you're not covering it and dealing with the pain on your own. you're pondering, wondering, hurting...just feeling and going through all the emotions...natural emotions that one should feel and from there you grow...whether you see that now or not, it's true...you grow.

she on the other hand is taking a longer route and i guarantee you...she will go through life drama filled. this guy that guy and she'll never find what she's looking for because she thinks by searching she will find...when in fact, i believe that the right person is waiting and at the right moment, God will bring that person into your life...and you will know it...without a question that she's the one.

be patient at your age...do things that only you can do at your age...because life is too short. take advantadge of the friends you have now, go do anything...join an online clan for some games and occupy yourself...go to church and get involved in a youth group or college group(lots of girls there). :)

but those are really out there i know but you get my point? soooo many things you can occupy yourself with and when the time is right...God will plant that perfect person for you in your life.

if it so happens to be this girl then let that time come..don't rush it or push it.

when i was going through my divorce i spoke with my pastor and he told me something that still sticks to me like glue.

he asked me if i still loved her and i said..."i do...i do still love her deeply"

then he said ..."if you love her, then let her go."

took me awhile to understand that but what i got out of it was this...

at first i was thinking...that is SOOO HARD TO DO! i can let go of something physical, like some object or something with ease but emotionally letting go of that is soo difficult! but i kept telling myself during that time...'i love her but i need to let her go' and as i kept reminding myself of that it became clear to me that in time, i let her go because i love her and i still love her as a person but i have moved on.

i met someone after that and things became clearer...that even though i loved her and wanted her back it was the idea of having a relationship...knowing that someone still loves me and wants me...is what i was truley missing.

it's been 7 or 8 years now since we've been apart and i've been through my share of girlfriends...but i can honestly say...she was the one that i truley loved the most and respected the most. she's married now and i couldn't be happier for her than i am now. in my heart, i still love her but it's because i've gained so much respect for her and value her as a person that i could move on with my life and expect the same.

i think i'm a better person for it even though i still go through my lumps but the truth is still in my heart and that's all that really matters to me.

hang in there and like i said...occupy yourself while you can. live life for you and your family and learn from your experiences.

if you ever need to talk...i'm around.

[Rysuko]

rysuko...some upsides are...

your somewhat beyond your years because of the experiences your going through. relationships at a young age...under 25 for guys imo...are hard learned lessons.

you happen to fall into that category but you've got a great head on your shoulders and that's something you need to stand with a straight back and be proud of. people learn and grow through hurt and you're experiencing that right now and that's something i'm experiencing as well. im 37 and learning it and i can honestly say when i was your age...i didn't.

don't fool yourself. like i said in a previous thread, girls do move on quicker than guys but that doesn't mean there "well". it's a security there looking for...an appreciation there looking for and girls way moreso than guys will get tired of ONE thing quicker than men. if they don't like something about men i do believe woman fantasize about the perfect man...whereas guys don't.

she's hurting too...she's just expressing it differently from you and the advantadge point here goes to you...because of this reason and this reason only.

she's covering it up by seeing or hanging out with some other guy whereas you're not covering it and dealing with the pain on your own. you're pondering, wondering, hurting...just feeling and going through all the emotions...natural emotions that one should feel and from there you grow...whether you see that now or not, it's true...you grow.

she on the other hand is taking a longer route and i guarantee you...she will go through life drama filled. this guy that guy and she'll never find what she's looking for because she thinks by searching she will find...when in fact, i believe that the right person is waiting and at the right moment, God will bring that person into your life...and you will know it...without a question that she's the one.

be patient at your age...do things that only you can do at your age...because life is too short. take advantadge of the friends you have now, go do anything...join an online clan for some games and occupy yourself...go to church and get involved in a youth group or college group(lots of girls there). :)

but those are really out there i know but you get my point? soooo many things you can occupy yourself with and when the time is right...God will plant that perfect person for you in your life.

if it so happens to be this girl then let that time come..don't rush it or push it.

when i was going through my divorce i spoke with my pastor and he told me something that still sticks to me like glue.

he asked me if i still loved her and i said..."i do...i do still love her deeply"

then he said ..."if you love her, then let her go."

took me awhile to understand that but what i got out of it was this...

at first i was thinking...that is SOOO HARD TO DO! i can let go of something physical, like some object or something with ease but emotionally letting go of that is soo difficult! but i kept telling myself during that time...'i love her but i need to let her go' and as i kept reminding myself of that it became clear to me that in time, i let her go because i love her and i still love her as a person but i have moved on.

i met someone after that and things became clearer...that even though i loved her and wanted her back it was the idea of having a relationship...knowing that someone still loves me and wants me...is what i was truley missing.

it's been 7 or 8 years now since we've been apart and i've been through my share of girlfriends...but i can honestly say...she was the one that i truley loved the most and respected the most. she's married now and i couldn't be happier for her than i am now. in my heart, i still love her but it's because i've gained so much respect for her and value her as a person that i could move on with my life and expect the same.

i think i'm a better person for it even though i still go through my lumps but the truth is still in my heart and that's all that really matters to me.

hang in there and like i said...occupy yourself while you can. live life for you and your family and learn from your experiences.

if you ever need to talk...i'm around.

That was more heartfelt than I expected it to be.. I really really appreciate the reply. More now than ever is when I need someone to talk to and support and care.. For months, really. And I've talked to all my friends about it, but they've all heard a crapload about it from me already.. every development is major to me, but to friends and stuff it's nothing incredibly new. So I really hate to bog down the people I care about with my problems, even if I need some support. It just still is really messing with me.

It really doesn't seem like she's experiencing any of the recoils or effects, or any feelings over me or us though.. But maybe that's the way it's supposed to seem. I really dunno though.. and.. Some could say I'm just nuts. But I know I'm psychic, not strongly, not 100% of the time. But I have been known to be very empathic, recieving others emotions even when they don't show themselves.. feeling physical pain from those I care about, or even pleasure (don't look into that). But anyways.. Within a day or two of her leaving me, the extreme devastation I was going through.. I was begging God for some guidance.. and let my mind be silent and let whatever answer there would be come to mind. It was exactly this; "To accept her, you must let her go". I realize the meaning behind it even more now.. I followed it for a while then, but I wouldn't allow myself to truly let her go. Now I realize the exact same guidance is just as valid. I found it interesting that you had an experience where that guy told you nearly the exact same thing.

I had enough of my hopeless suffering and IM'd her again.. Day or two ago, I'll post it. This is what I said/what she said.

Me: Hi
Her (7:57:43 PM): hi
Me (7:58:18 PM): Is there anything you'd like to say to me, or talk to me about?
Her (7:58:32 PM): Not particularly o.o
Me (7:58:39 PM): Mkay
Her (7:58:43 PM): Why?
Me (8:03:16 PM): I don't know actually.. I just feel.. unexplainable, suffering sort of. Something doesn't feel right and it's making it impossible for me to function normally.. the way I think I should. I've done everything I know and worked on everything I know, to get past what happened with us and at times I've felt, like I had or something.. but I haven't. I don't know what's wrong.. I just thought you might have something to say.. or something, I really don't know..
Her (8:04:02 PM): =(
Her (8:04:03 PM): I'm sorry
Me (8:07:13 PM): Like.. You seem pretty happy and it doesn't bother you any, and you seem to know how you feel and what you wanna do as far as dating and love and stuff.. but as much as I should know too, I don't.. Is there something I don't know about, or, am missing out on or..?
Me (8:07:15 PM): lol
Me (8:07:40 PM): It just hurts really bad to think about anything like that
Her (8:07:57 PM): I dont think so o.O
Me (8:10:11 PM): I just feel like there's a huge.. thing, causing how I feel that I'm clueless to, I'm not sure what you have to do with it, but.. *Shrug*
Me (8:16:36 PM): I just don't know why it hurts this bad. I've thought about it all a lot, realized things, I understand a lot more, I've apologized for things I didn't mean to happen, I've improved my own life and habits a lot.. then it all falls apart and I end up hurting like this and I don't understand it. I feel like regardless of all the thought I've put into it and changes I've made, I truly realize nothing and I'm missing the point and until I get past that.. Well, I'll just continue to feel this way
Her (8:18:22 PM): >.<
Her (8:20:21 PM): Stuff around my house has gotten worse.


Here she kinda told me more about her life and how things are going, opened up a little. I'd feel bad posting the more personal stuff on her behalf since.. just that, it's her personal stuff, feelings, whatever's goin on. So I'll skip to this part.


Me (9:00:53 PM): Well, I dunno.. I guess I'll try to just think about it somemore or something.. I just really really don't know.. and I wish at least someone did.. lol. Sorry if bringing it up bothered you any
Her (9:01:08 PM): It's alright
Her (9:02:54 PM): http://www.deviantart.com/view/32900748/
Her (9:02:58 PM): Ill cheer you up
Her (9:03:00 PM): with a cute baby
Her (9:03:00 PM): XD
Me (9:03:24 PM): XD
Me (9:04:59 PM): Oh yea.. I posted a few deviant things a few days ago when I showed you that picture that turned out good and I got my first comments and they're all compliments.. I got my first favorited thing too.. ^_^ kinda made my day
Me (9:05:00 PM): lol
Her (9:05:15 PM): =)
Me (9:09:16 PM): I like all your new pictures..
Her (9:09:29 PM): =)
Her (9:09:31 PM): thanks
Me (9:10:07 PM): Those bar things that the arms are hanging off of (can't see the person XD) are neat.. Fun to go accross n stuff
Me (9:10:46 PM): I think the lack of person adds to the picture though cause it puts you sort of in their place, or perspective
Me (9:12:07 PM): and.. the "lost in concentration one" somehow entrances me
Me (9:12:39 PM): I like peoples eyes.. they're just so.. open, like eyes, and all unique
Me (9:13:02 PM): Just looking at her eyes puts me ina trance-like.. thing..
Me (9:13:05 PM): lol
Me (9:13:35 PM): I think you really captured the look of concentration in that one..


Just stopped there. No more conversation.

[Rysuko]

Been thinking about saving up money to get her something that'd really encourage her growth and happiness.. Like a very expensive photo editing program.. She really likes photography. Or,anything along those lines.. Maybe pay for something she'd like, a class, an opportunity. Or.. Since she's had health problems bothering her for so long, as thinking of going as far as saving hundreds or a few thousand and paying for someone besides normal doctors for once.. Someone really professional and personal, who'll put the care and effort into really helping her. Because being sick is one thing.. But I really love her and she has had those health problems for so long, taking medicine that doesn't really help..But if I did that, I'd do it anonymously, cause I don't want her to feel pressured to respond better to me, or love me, or anything like that.I just want her to be in good health and taken care of.

Would that be something good to do? If it would even be possible for me, since I've never had a job but I should find one to start with.. Just never had good attendance and I'm 100% inexperienced so, bleh.

But.. yea..I've be trying to hang with friends, talk with more people. But I have strictly 2 good friends who come over occassionally on weekends and not that many people to talk to that care.Lol. But I have been doing that and pursuing new interests and self-discovery. I've gotten into breakdancing or more respectively, bboying. Out of random clips and my own noobie breaking, or learning to break, more like it. Me and one of those good friends have made a few random videos. Me practicing breakdancing, him practicing video editing and it's kinda entertaining. At least to me.

This was our first video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3a6smFu4sk
This was our 2nd better one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3a6smFu4sk
This one isn't really a total compilation, but more like a smaller creation, where I dressed up and did that random thing and Jeremy edited it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P28hgkzcEfs

Then last, and probably least (lol) this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqxYUGRlSUY

Me trying to break to classical, my mom wasn't home so I cleared some space and gave it a try. It's not that awesome, but the first time I recorded me actually trying to dance to music. It wasn't serious or planned, just totally random freestyle practice with the basics I know. And I don't get the chance to practice much. But Anyways, that's one of the things I've been doing and maybe it's not the best thing ever to anyone else, but me and Jeremy had a lot of fun making those videos and doing that stuff.

My AIM screen name is Rysuko as well, if you have AIM, maybe we can talk a bit sometime. Again, thanks for the reply, I found it helpful. :)

[JHXMT]

Been thinking about saving up money to get her something that'd really encourage her growth and happiness.. Like a very expensive photo editing program.. She really likes photography. Or,anything along those lines.. Maybe pay for something she'd like, a class, an opportunity. Or.. Since she's had health problems bothering her for so long, as thinking of going as far as saving hundreds or a few thousand and paying for someone besides normal doctors for once.. Someone really professional and personal, who'll put the care and effort into really helping her. Because being sick is one thing.. But I really love her and she has had those health problems for so long, taking medicine that doesn't really help..But if I did that, I'd do it anonymously, cause I don't want her to feel pressured to respond better to me, or love me, or anything like that.I just want her to be in good health and taken care of.

Would that be something good to do? If it would even be possible for me, since I've never had a job but I should find one to start with.. Just never had good attendance and I'm 100% inexperienced so, bleh.

No.

Kudos on the whole caring-about-her-health deal, but no. She's moved on. You do it to. This means not buying her anything expensive, or at all. Even if it's 'for her health'. Even if it's anonymous. You're still doing that for you because that way you feel you're still somehow involved. Don't be. It's over, just let it go.

Oh, and by the by: people who are just friends do not buy extremely expensive photo editing software for friends, particularly if you've never even had a job. Hell, I'd think twice about buying e.g. Photoshop for my best mate, and I've known him for decades, and I earn adequate money. DO. NOT. DO. THIS.

But.. yea..I've be trying to hang with friends, talk with more people. But I have strictly 2 good friends who come over occassionally on weekends and not that many people to talk to that care.Lol. But I have been doing that and pursuing new interests and self-discovery. I've gotten into breakdancing or more respectively, bboying. Out of random clips and my own noobie breaking, or learning to break, more like it. Me and one of those good friends have made a few random videos. Me practicing breakdancing, him practicing video editing and it's kinda entertaining. At least to me.

This was our first video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3a6smFu4sk
This was our 2nd better one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3a6smFu4sk
This one isn't really a total compilation, but more like a smaller creation, where I dressed up and did that random thing and Jeremy edited it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P28hgkzcEfs

Then last, and probably least (lol) this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqxYUGRlSUY

Me trying to break to classical, my mom wasn't home so I cleared some space and gave it a try. It's not that awesome, but the first time I recorded me actually trying to dance to music. It wasn't serious or planned, just totally random freestyle practice with the basics I know. And I don't get the chance to practice much. But Anyways, that's one of the things I've been doing and maybe it's not the best thing ever to anyone else, but me and Jeremy had a lot of fun making those videos and doing that stuff.

Can't watch the videos at the moment as I'm at work (and probably shouldn't be on the forums anyway, heh), but good. Keep doing fun stuff like this, it's good for you (and breakdancing's good for your fitness, too). And yes, keep pursuing the new interests and new friends, that's good for you too.

And you know, when you get a job, you can use the money to pursue those interests. Not to fork out on software for a girl you'll probably just make feel incredibly uncomfortable.

Good luck.

[Rysuko]

I guess that wouldn't be such a great idea.. But if I ever did have the money, even as a friend I'd wanna help her with more serious problems..

Anyways.. She really seems like she has no feelings or interest in me at all.. It's seemed that way since she originally left me. Got back together and left me for good.. and it's been just as much a nightmare as it originally has been..I just don't understand how she can really not care.. Is any guy she'd be with or around now really a rebound type of thing? Cause she said she's been falling out of love with me for a long time or something.. Maybe she really did get over the last of her feelings in the 2 weeks after she left me.. I still can't understand why she doesn't care so much.. It just hurts really really bad.. :crybaby: :broken_he

I just don't understand.. Wish there was something about me that could attract her in some way..

[Rysuko]

Sorry about all the posting.. my mind and feelings are just working overtime.. heh. I'm also wondering if another reason why it's hurting so bad for me is me reverting back to the feeling of 'needing someone'. Because.. I admit having felt dependent on her now realizing it.. Is getting over that going to be a whole other process as well? Heh.. Not only going through feelings with her, but many issues with myself.. If so, I don't wanna get into the same crap that led to this in the first place.. It just hurts so frikkin bad.. I am tempted to just look for someone else.. or to put someone there.. to ease the pain. But that wouldn't really help.. *siiigh...*

I'm just so tired of the extreme hurt, grief, depression, anger.. Trying to be strong, forgiving.. loving.. Happy, even without her. But it's so hard.. I've really tried, but damnit.. I just don't know if time alone can kill it.. The boredom and lack of things to do doesn't help any.. but I guess the only way through grief is just that, through it.. it just doesn't feel like it'll ever truly stop. And it's so hard to understand why someone I was so close to,shared so much with and someone who shared so much with me in return.. doesn't care about me at all anymore.. It just baffles my mind.. and my heart most of all. I guess that's another reason it keeps hurting so much.. heh..

Maybe every time I doubt myself or start to feel bad about myself again, I want her to fall back on.. or someone to fall back on and it brings it all up again.. I guess that's another related reason.. Cause I started feeling less esteemed and confident.. it's hard to tell what causes what though..eh.. *sigh...* :crybaby:

[Rysuko]

I feel a little more in perspective now.. She must of been thinking about it for a long time to of gotten that comfortable with the idea. She still was upset when she left me over it, but not at all anymore. Not anywhere near the pain I'm going through. Was reading stuff on "Breakupsurvivor.com" where someone was talking about it and they said.

"In the month or two leading up to my ex dumping me (after 12 years living together) he talked a lot about buying a house together, kids, etc. I hadn't really thought of it this way before, but perhaps it is what someone mentioned above, they are "trying it on" for size to see if it changes their feelings before they make the big move. I think the thing to remember is that although their actions come as a shock to us and seem sudden and drastic, in all liklihood they have been thinking about this for a long time. So while it seems like they just changed their feelings over night, he/she has probably been slowly getting used to the idea themselves for a while and once they felt comfortable with their decision, just did it. That is what feels so unfair sometimes...they got to make the decision, get used to the idea, mull it over, whatever it is they did, and then they just dump it on us and expect the "dumpee" to just get on with it too. Perhaps not even fully comprehending what they did to you or why you feel so awful. That is why one of the key things to do now is to "take back the power". That is what NO CONTACT is all about. Do not let him have power to effect you. I realize it is easier said then done, but right now you have to try really hard not to think about him, not to wonder why/what if/ etc and just focus on yourself, healing yourself, finding the power somewhere within you to get through the horrible pain (which will ease eventually) and try to find your happiness again within yourself and with yourself. Good luck.. hang in there. It will be far from easy, so keep coming here when you need to vent."

[Cedrada]

Dude you need to let her go. You hurt her beyond what she can think about, she wont go back to you if you say how you behaved was true.

Let her go.

Move on.

Dwelling on the past will only cause yuo and her more hurt. Cut her out of your life, let her come to you if she ever wants to.

[JHXMT]

Do as everybody in this thread and, apparently, everybody on breakupsurvivor has been saying is the right thing to do.

No contact, at all.

Stop being bored - go out and do things that YOU ENJOY DOING. And if you come back to this and say something like "I don't enjoy doing anything any more", I will smack you so hard upside the head that your eyes will be spinning for a week.

And, very importantly:

Stop trying to figure out WHY it happened! It HAPPENED. She is GONE. She is NOT COMING BACK. NOTHING YOU CAN DO, SAY, THINK, FEEL, REASON or GUESS will EVER get her to come back.

Stop. Hoping. It. Was. A. Mistake.

She left. It sucks. You tried to claw her back. That sucks too. It didn't work, and you're still trying. That really, really sucks. So stop it.

Stop thinking, "She must have been thinking of it for a while". Stop thinking, "Why doesn't she have any feeling for me any more?" Stop thinking, "Are all women like that?" Stop thinking about it.

After all, if some magical messenger appeared in front of you one day and said, "Right, Rysuko, take a look at this," and laid all the plans in front of you and explained why it had happened and precisely what led up to it and what she was thinking and what events built up to the breakup....what difference would that actually make?

None. None whatsoever.

You'll never know the reason why. Deal with that. She's not coming back. Deal with that. You need to start living for yourself now. Deal with that.

Stop theorising. It hurts you more than you know at the moment.

[Gezus]

I was the same, I couldn't get over somebody because I wanted to know what the hell was going through her head. But I made it. How? Willpower, friends, music and doing stuff, mostly exercise. It took me a few months, but I here aren't I? And I'm actually happy. It's awesome.

Trying to figure things out only hurt me. If I'd ask her what was up, she'd either bullshit me or tell me it's none of my business, and everybody else was telling me different things, plus I was theorizing, plus people telling me what they overheard... In the end you just have to accept it.

[Rysuko]

I was the same, I couldn't get over somebody because I wanted to know what the hell was going through her head. But I made it. How? Willpower, friends, music and doing stuff, mostly exercise. It took me a few months, but I here aren't I? And I'm actually happy. It's awesome.

Trying to figure things out only hurt me. If I'd ask her what was up, she'd either bullshit me or tell me it's none of my business, and everybody else was telling me different things, plus I was theorizing, plus people telling me what they overheard... In the end you just have to accept it.

Thanks for all the replies everyone. It's surprising how much I've seen people say that excersizing helps, but it really does. It's physical, puts your mind and feeling mostly on your effort and it's a confidence booster. Excersizing/breakdancing for me.

@JHXMT - Nyeh.. Guess you're right. In my position I've been able to tell what was the better thing to do, but my feelings/heart haven't always been agreeing with me.. Lol. I've been realizing today though even more how I should accept it and how it doesn't matter. That I'm strong enough to move on, I can handle it and she doesn't deserve to have this kind of power over me. And that she really doesn't understand the kind of pain she put me through. A lot of this has just been really hard for me and I don't have many places to vent or express myself or my feelings. But you're right.

@Cedradada - Yea.. "Just let her go", easier said than done.. and I'm not 100% sure how she felt, just a lot of clues.. and I know the way I acted and talked with her wasn't appropriate. I kinda wish she coulda told me a lot more than she did, obviously everything wasn't exactly the way it seemed.. I'm kinda done with feeling guilty though. I still kinda do, cause I didn't mean to become that way. But I've given every effort to apologize and ask for opportunities to make up for it, to no avail. Probly for the better anyways.. All I can do now for 'her' is move on by 'myself' lol

Ok so.. guess even though we've talked a little lately. Just for me at least, I need to really stick to the NC thing. Oh well. Thanks for all the replies again, and advice.

One thing I guess.. I've had issues with social anxiety, and still do. I don't go many places and am normally inside my house all day. Besides occassionally hanging out with friends, here or there. I'm not around many people. Got any ideas on places to go? I just hate all the jerks, people who are asses and insult you for no reason, or just bother everyone. It'd be nice to filter out people like that and go somewhere where I know people are friendly and not social leeches or whatever. It would be nice to go.. somewhere though. Anywhere I might enjoy.

[Ryan Tiley]

Hi Rysuko, I think it is completely normal for you to be going through all of this. Wanting to buy her that gift is something that I went through too. The girl who broke my heart likes writing and I thought about buying her an expensive pen and notebook.

It's also normal for you to want to talk to her and try to establish what she is feeling. And you may want to let her know what you are feeling - although that is a stage and you may or may not be out of it at the moment.

It's also normal for you to turn inwards on yourself and become concerned about your personality.

I think the most comforting thing I could do for you now is to tell you that all of that is normal, and others have been through it. I know it doesn't make it easier for you.

When I was going through something similar, lots of people gave me advice. Some people's advice really hurt me because I wasn't ready to hear it. I only later realised how appropriate their advice had been.

I'm going to give you some guidelines for what you should do. But they may really hurt. Please, even if you hate this advice, please consider it. I care about you.

1. Cease all contact with her. This includes talking, sending gifts, ICQ, telephone, email, everything. There are a few reasons for this. Firstly, your feelings are in a muddle at the moment and they seek her company. Don't give your feelings false hope. You will find yourself apologising to her all the time, and you'll find that everything little thing she says will either make you overjoyed at the thought that she cares for you overall, or deeply depressed and anxious at the thought she doesn't like you. Talking to her is not good for your feelings. Secondly, realise that there is a difference between not talking to her, and giving her the silent treatment. If she initiates contact, then by all means have a pleasant conversation with her (try not to open old wounds though, keep to small talk). But if you are always the one initiating contact with her, then you are giving her all the power and control. One of the most painful things somebody told to me was that if you really love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back, it wasn't meant to me. So, stop initiating any contact with her. If she is not initiating any contact, then the friendship wasn't meant to be and perhaps it would be easiest for your emotions if you kept away from each other. Maybe one day a couple of years down the track when you have met someone else, maybe then you can talk to her. But now, you're too fragile and vulnerable to talk to her.

From her point of view, she might feel guilty, or awkward, when you try to talk to her. She will be self conscious about what sort of messages she has been giving you and she wants you to get over her. She doesn't want you to hurt.

It's way too fresh now. Try leaving it six months. Talk to people who actually do love you. Like your family and close friends. Not her friends though.

2. Don't blame yourself. I am concerned that you are labelling yourself as having a controlling personality, and you are telling yourself you have social anxiety. You need to realise that in this situation, you are the one that was hurt, and she is the one that hurt you. As much as that really pains you to realise that the person who loves you hurt you, in plain and simple terms (getting some perspective) it is true. By blaming yourself, you are just using your own faults as an excuse for her not loving you. If she did love you, she'd love you despite any faults. You need to realise that she is not perfect, and she is not any better than you - in fact, because she failed to love you, she is worse than you. It's a phase you're going through, and later, hopefully, you'll realise that despite any of your faults, it wasn't your fault that she didn't love you. Stop feeling bad about what you did when she is the one that hurt you. Realise that even if you had been controlling, or had been socially anxious, if she loved you she still would have stayed with you and if she hadn't she still would have abandoned you. By picking faults with yourself, you are just lowering your opinion of yourself.

The most wonderful thing about you is that you have so much love to give. Unfortunately this one girl doesn't want it. But because you have this amazing capacity to love people, you will have lots of meaningful relationships throughout your life and you will make people very happy, whether that is your family, your friends, or someone you meet in the future. Listen to "I will survive" by gloria gaynor. You have all your life to live and all your love to give.

3. Don't worry about what she feels. This is probably the hardest thing to do, since you care for her so much you'll always worry about what she feels. Realise that you are vulnerable right now because you've been hurt so you need to worry a bit more about what you feel for now. Give yourself 3 more months or so, then if you feel a bit better, then perhaps you can start worrying about other people. Hopefully, by that stage you will have realised that she isn't worth worrying about any more than yourself. She's just a person.

I know you're probably frustrated that she doesn't understand the pain you're going through. But think for a second - what if she did know? How would that help?

By all means, keep thinking about her. Gradually you'll get more perspective and realise that in simple truths, you got hurt, she wanted to end the relationship, and that's all. It was one episode in your life, and you will be able to spend more energy and time thinking about people who will love you back. Give it a few months and it will happen. In the meantime, spend time with family.

So just to summarise:

1. Do not initiate any contact with her at all
2. Don't blame yourself
3. Don't worry about what she feels

I feel sorry for JHXMT, because it sounds as if he has gone through the same as you and I have gone through. He is absolutely right. Stop contact with her. Over time you'll realise that it simply didn't work, and it doesn't really matter. There's nothing you need to patch up, except your own feelings.

Oh and the whole "stop thinking" and "stop theorising" bit is hard, because you can't really tell your brain what not to think about. But you do need to realise that's what you have got to do - eventually. Well, time will help. Oh and in the meantime, try not to drink alcohol. It won't help you stop thinking, it'll make you depressed about what you're currently thinking. But DO some exercise, because that actually makes you feel better. And do stuff you enjoy. Get up really early one morning and go for a jog before work.

[Rysuko]

Ryan Tiley - Thanks for the advice and for taking the time to reply so much. I had her blocked cause I planned on not talking at all for a month, but I suppose it'd be fair to unblock her for now and just cease all of my own contact of her. It's been really really hard but it's gotten easier. I guess I am the one that got hurt most of all.. Just couldn't stop feeling guilty. But all the things you've said, I've been slowly realizing.. and it still hurts, it aches, still feels cold inside. Still have some dreams.. but I guess that's only natural. Heh.

As far as social anxiety.. That's a problem I really do have.. Have had all my life, been trying to work through all my life. A lot of people've said to go places with people, hang out, make friends, or whatever. But.. I only have 2 good friends and no one else, and social anxiety is a big problem in going to social places, meeting people and so on.

Being controlling.. Well, I'm pretty sure 'now' that I emphasized it more than was probably a reality. Just had no idea how she felt or why and I couldn't stop thinking she hated me because of that. But.. I have had some controlling personality traits and some emotionally abusive personality traits towards her. It may of not been incredibly serious, but I really don't know. I don't know how she felt and how she feels.

But.. I've done a lot to counter those negative tendancies and I guess you're right.. She failed me most of all. I failed to be a certain way or act a certain way.. But she did fail to love me.

Thanks again for the reply

[Rysuko]

Ugh.. I had her blocked for like 5 days. Occassionally thought of her but just let it go. Now that she's there on my list, kinda reminds me of stuff. But it doesn't seem like pretending she's not there for a long time isn't gonna help.. But neither is seeing her name. Just seems like what it'll take most of is time, and thought. Where eventually it just gets old and becomes a part of the past. Heh.. Man I feel like crap. Normal or not, it sucks.

[Madeleine]

Everything that JHXMT said, and Ryan Tiley. I'm not going to say lot (because it has already been said) but I'd just like to reiterate that you need to get out there and keep yourself occupied! It will be damned near impossible to stop thinking about her but the best thing you can do right now is keep your mind busy and keep on moving on in YOUR life. As others have said, get out there and do the things you enjoy, whether it be a sport, a new hobby or whatever. What about looking for a job? I don't know if you need the money right now or not but it doesn't matter, work, or even just looking for work, will keep you busy as well. If you don't think you have the skills you need to get a job that you'd like, then maybe you could enrol in a short course or something to upskill yourself. Someone else said exercise makes you feel better - well they weren't lying. Go for a run, or if you don't like running do something you do like. Just do what you have to do to keep on keeping on. Focus on yourself right now and look after yourself. It might take a long time to get over it, but you have to get over it so it is important that you do what's good for you in the meantime.

[Rysuko]

Everything that JHXMT said, and Ryan Tiley. I'm not going to say lot (because it has already been said) but I'd just like to reiterate that you need to get out there and keep yourself occupied! It will be damned near impossible to stop thinking about her but the best thing you can do right now is keep your mind busy and keep on moving on in YOUR life. As others have said, get out there and do the things you enjoy, whether it be a sport, a new hobby or whatever. What about looking for a job? I don't know if you need the money right now or not but it doesn't matter, work, or even just looking for work, will keep you busy as well. If you don't think you have the skills you need to get a job that you'd like, then maybe you could enrol in a short course or something to upskill yourself. Someone else said exercise makes you feel better - well they weren't lying. Go for a run, or if you don't like running do something you do like. Just do what you have to do to keep on keeping on. Focus on yourself right now and look after yourself. It might take a long time to get over it, but you have to get over it so it is important that you do what's good for you in the meantime.

Yea.. Thanks.. I keep thinking I'm through the worst of it, but then it comes back. I'm up right now just because of that.. It's 4:37 AM. Had some good talking earlier last night with a few friends.. made me feel better. Was feelin good, but when I layed down I kept thinking.. and eventually just broke out into a good cry.. I just feel so lonely. I just wanna be a big baby.. and have someone to hold me and comfort me and care.. I just feel so alone sometimes. Just wanna let go of all that stuff. I know it doesn't sound very 'manly', but right now I don't really care.. I'm an emotional guy. I really miss having the love there. Feeling so cared about or feeling like someone was always thinking about me..

I've just drawn on every resource I can for support, spreading it out as much as possible so no one gets the full burden.. Talked to friends about this.. I have some really caring friends that've listened and talked with me, my mom, people on this forum.. I do appreciate everyones replies, because it shows you care and the opinions and advice is helpful. I'm just so exhausted.. I'm really looking forward to the day when I can truly leave all this behind and it never bothers me again.. heh, just so tired.. barely getting any sleep lately, or peace of mind.. :zzz:
:zzz: :zzz:

[Madeleine]

Try not to lose much sleep over it... I know easier said than done, but it's easy to get more upset than you need to when you're really tired. If you find yourself awake at night try reading a book or something to relax, take your mind off it (one can hope...) and hopefully tire your eyes enough so you can get to sleep... It's important that you eat, sleep and drink (water!) properly so that you can at least be one step up (healthy body, healthy mind right?) or at least one step closer to feeling a bit better.

[Ryan Tiley]

I've just drawn on every resource I can for support, spreading it out as much as possible so no one gets the full burden.. Talked to friends about this.. I have some really caring friends that've listened and talked with me, my mom, people on this forum..
It sounds like you're doing the right thing. Spend lots of time with your family. I spent a fair bit of time with my dad.

It's natural for you to think you are over it, then later to start feeling sorrow again. It'll come in waves, and sometimes it will feel just as bad as when it first happened. But over the coming months you'll go through different stages and you'll know that you're getting over her because your attitude will change. You'll cry less, and then get a bit angry, and then at one stage your anger and sorrow will be gone but then you will probably get depressed for a while. You will change. Change is good, it means you are getting better.

[Rysuko]

Hi Rysuko, I think it is completely normal for you to be going through all of this. Wanting to buy her that gift is something that I went through too. The girl who broke my heart likes writing and I thought about buying her an expensive pen and notebook.

It's also normal for you to want to talk to her and try to establish what she is feeling. And you may want to let her know what you are feeling - although that is a stage and you may or may not be out of it at the moment.

It's also normal for you to turn inwards on yourself and become concerned about your personality.

I think the most comforting thing I could do for you now is to tell you that all of that is normal, and others have been through it. I know it doesn't make it easier for you.

When I was going through something similar, lots of people gave me advice. Some people's advice really hurt me because I wasn't ready to hear it. I only later realised how appropriate their advice had been.

I'm going to give you some guidelines for what you should do. But they may really hurt. Please, even if you hate this advice, please consider it. I care about you.

1. Cease all contact with her. This includes talking, sending gifts, ICQ, telephone, email, everything. There are a few reasons for this. Firstly, your feelings are in a muddle at the moment and they seek her company. Don't give your feelings false hope. You will find yourself apologising to her all the time, and you'll find that everything little thing she says will either make you overjoyed at the thought that she cares for you overall, or deeply depressed and anxious at the thought she doesn't like you. Talking to her is not good for your feelings. Secondly, realise that there is a difference between not talking to her, and giving her the silent treatment. If she initiates contact, then by all means have a pleasant conversation with her (try not to open old wounds though, keep to small talk). But if you are always the one initiating contact with her, then you are giving her all the power and control. One of the most painful things somebody told to me was that if you really love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back, it wasn't meant to me. So, stop initiating any contact with her. If she is not initiating any contact, then the friendship wasn't meant to be and perhaps it would be easiest for your emotions if you kept away from each other. Maybe one day a couple of years down the track when you have met someone else, maybe then you can talk to her. But now, you're too fragile and vulnerable to talk to her.

From her point of view, she might feel guilty, or awkward, when you try to talk to her. She will be self conscious about what sort of messages she has been giving you and she wants you to get over her. She doesn't want you to hurt.

It's way too fresh now. Try leaving it six months. Talk to people who actually do love you. Like your family and close friends. Not her friends though.

2. Don't blame yourself. I am concerned that you are labelling yourself as having a controlling personality, and you are telling yourself you have social anxiety. You need to realise that in this situation, you are the one that was hurt, and she is the one that hurt you. As much as that really pains you to realise that the person who loves you hurt you, in plain and simple terms (getting some perspective) it is true. By blaming yourself, you are just using your own faults as an excuse for her not loving you. If she did love you, she'd love you despite any faults. You need to realise that she is not perfect, and she is not any better than you - in fact, because she failed to love you, she is worse than you. It's a phase you're going through, and later, hopefully, you'll realise that despite any of your faults, it wasn't your fault that she didn't love you. Stop feeling bad about what you did when she is the one that hurt you. Realise that even if you had been controlling, or had been socially anxious, if she loved you she still would have stayed with you and if she hadn't she still would have abandoned you. By picking faults with yourself, you are just lowering your opinion of yourself.

The most wonderful thing about you is that you have so much love to give. Unfortunately this one girl doesn't want it. But because you have this amazing capacity to love people, you will have lots of meaningful relationships throughout your life and you will make people very happy, whether that is your family, your friends, or someone you meet in the future. Listen to "I will survive" by gloria gaynor. You have all your life to live and all your love to give.

3. Don't worry about what she feels. This is probably the hardest thing to do, since you care for her so much you'll always worry about what she feels. Realise that you are vulnerable right now because you've been hurt so you need to worry a bit more about what you feel for now. Give yourself 3 more months or so, then if you feel a bit better, then perhaps you can start worrying about other people. Hopefully, by that stage you will have realised that she isn't worth worrying about any more than yourself. She's just a person.

I know you're probably frustrated that she doesn't understand the pain you're going through. But think for a second - what if she did know? How would that help?

By all means, keep thinking about her. Gradually you'll get more perspective and realise that in simple truths, you got hurt, she wanted to end the relationship, and that's all. It was one episode in your life, and you will be able to spend more energy and time thinking about people who will love you back. Give it a few months and it will happen. In the meantime, spend time with family.

So just to summarise:

1. Do not initiate any contact with her at all
2. Don't blame yourself
3. Don't worry about what she feels

I feel sorry for JHXMT, because it sounds as if he has gone through the same as you and I have gone through. He is absolutely right. Stop contact with her. Over time you'll realise that it simply didn't work, and it doesn't really matter. There's nothing you need to patch up, except your own feelings.

Oh and the whole "stop thinking" and "stop theorising" bit is hard, because you can't really tell your brain what not to think about. But you do need to realise that's what you have got to do - eventually. Well, time will help. Oh and in the meantime, try not to drink alcohol. It won't help you stop thinking, it'll make you depressed about what you're currently thinking. But DO some exercise, because that actually makes you feel better. And do stuff you enjoy. Get up really early one morning and go for a jog before work.

It's been about 3 months now, I went 3+ weeks without talking to her and I sent her a casual link to something I made cause I didn't think it'd be a big deal, but she didn't react that well to it and it put me in an even worse mood than I was. I feel like it's too late to do the no contact thing now, cause I keep doing little things like that. But I didn't say anything, just sent her the link. Just still brought a lot up in my mind and heart. Coming back to read this makes me feel a little better though. Heh..

[Ryan Tiley]

So as I understand it, you sent her something small and seemingly insignificant, and she either didn't respond or she didn't seem as happy about it as you hoped she might have been.

You're definitely making progress. But from my own experience I understand that at this stage, every little hint of a reaction from her will put you in a bad mood.

That's just a sign that you're not quite ready yet for a 'normal' friendship with her - that is, you're still a bit anxious when you speak to her. That's still quite normal, and it might be quite some time before you are over that. Even though your head says it will be fine, your feelings tell you otherwise when you get anxious and you get a tight feeling in your chest. So it's just a sign to hang in there - you're not quite ready to restart a friendship yet...

There's not much you can do to speed the process up I don't think, I mean, it will get better in time (everyone says that, but it's true). But while you are feeling like this, it is going to be painful when you contact her because you'll be anxious about her reactions.

You mentioned that you think it's too late to do the no contact thing. Well if you are still feeling bad, then it's not too late to try another strategy :)